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Salomé

Advice? My boyfriend is a groomsmen at his best friend's wedding, I'm not invited.

Salomé, on November 13, 2020 at 10:34 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 44
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My boyfriend and I have been in a loving, committed relationship for the past 3.5 years. Living together for 1.5/ LDR for past 5 months (my partner received a job offer in his hometown, which is across the country from where we used to live). I’ve met my boyfriend’s best friend on numerous occasions, and we’ve always gotten along wonderfully! We also loved his girlfriend/now fiancée and genuinelly considered them to be very close friends of ours! Even though we didn’t live in the same city, we often came to visit and got along great.

They got engaged 2/3 months ago and we were simply overjoyed! We were hesitant to assume ANY form of invitation because of COVID 19, and knew it was a delicate situation. My BF was (within 2 hours of the engagement) invited to be a groomsmen, an invitation which he of course accepted. Assuming this meant we were both invited, my BF said we would be honored to join, hoping to get a clear and immediate confirmation/understanding of where the groom stood. We figured, if the groom is so confident and set on inviting him the day of their engagement, they’ll invite me too, right? Their wedding was going to be in 4 months and my BF and I would have to coordinate flights/accommodations/time off work quite in advance. The groom agreed and insinuated we were both invited.

We were thrilled that our friends were getting married, it was going to be a wonderful celebration, and a great opportunity for my BF and I to have fun together after months of LDR. We couldn’t wait.

Weeks pass, I’m still adapting to a LDR but thrilled my BF and I have a date to reunite now, and am genuinely super excited about the wedding. I even updated the bride about how excited I was to buy a new dress for the occasion, thinking all was well. Meanwhile my BF is making plans with the groom about the upcoming wedding/ bachelor’s weekend. They’re buying suits, booking flights, etc. My BF hasn’t received a formal confirmation that I’m also invited, but is quite certain I am. Over these past few weeks, he keeps hinting to delicately see if we are indeed both invited (He remind the groom that I am thrilled to join etc). The groom never corrects my BF and for weeks keeps dodging the question directly.

Eventually, my BF feels the need to clarify and asks him outright “Hey I just want to confirm X is invited?” At this point, the groom makes it clear that they don’t have the space to invite me, and that they aren’t giving anyone plus ones.

I understand space restrictions due to COVID, but am still shocked. Apparently the groom and bride ran the numbers down the line (closer to the wedding date) and realized they didn’t have space? I asked if only close family was attending, apparently not. Childhood friends, college friends, colleagues, couples, family etc. were all invited. I considered them not just my BF’s friends, but mine too? I’d understand if they barely had any friends and mainly family…

Somehow this feels disrespectful to our relationship. We’ve been together about 1.5 years longer than they have, and something about being called a plus one feels hurtful? What’s worse is my BF didn’t clearly verbalize his discomfort with the situation – he tells me they still go on as normal friends? Talk about plenty non-wedding stuff and pretend this didn’t happen?

A few weeks pass, I fly out to come see my BF as I had time off before the start of my research fellowship. The couple in question fly into town for an engagement party – which they invite us to – we go and celebrate with them, I feel uncomfortable but am still kind and sweet. I wish them the best. They invite themselves over to my BF’s place (without letting us know), and somehow don’t address the issue at hand? They tell us to come visit them in their new apartment…?

I don’t understand why my BF’s “supposed” best friend would put him in this position? Why not be honest from the start? We’re understanding people. It hurt to know plenty of young people / friends were invited and I somehow didn’t make the cut because I was friends with them, but not somehow good enough to be a stand alone invite? I thought it was rude to split up serious couples for formal events. I thought I wasn’t a “plus one”. One of the bridesmaids is bringing her husband, even though he’s never even met the groom. I’ve invited, housed, and served these people in my tiny student apartment countless time, even when I didn’t love the idea/was tired/on a student budget – to make my boyfriend happy. I thought I’d get some sort of affirmation and validation from him that this wasn’t respectful or ok.

I know we aren’t married or engaged, but anyone who knows us knows we are as serious and committed as any engaged/married couple. We’re waiting a few years (I want to finish graduate school and be financially independent before marriage) before making that step. I’ve been to countless weddings on my BF’s side of the family, have traveled and met almost his entire extended family. I guess it doesn’t help we’ve been together ages longer than they have… but somehow they felt it’s ok to tell me months after their engagement I wasn’t invited.

I will NEVER tell my boyfriend what to do, and don’t want to rob him of any happiness or any opportunity he wants. I don’t have a “my BF and I have to go everywhere together” attitude, but this feels rude. I know it’s not ultimately my place because it’s their wedding.

I just wish my boyfriend would feel hurt as well, and outraged, or something (he tells me he’s mainly hurt because he’s seen how upsetting it’s been for me). He says I have to look past it, accept no one is perfect. G-d bless him he’s a pacifist at heart.

My BF’s friend insists my BF come to the wedding – went out of his way to inform him it’s totally ok to come without me, he wanted to make sure I wasn’t forcing him to NOT go to his wedding. Said he was looking out for him as a friend?

My BF doesn’t want to lose this friendship, I don’t want to be in the position of asking/saying anything and coming off as the bad guy. I want my BF to make up his own mind – which is proving difficult.

Any advice or help? Much appreciated !!

44 Comments

Latest activity by Lee, on November 28, 2020 at 1:45 PM
  • M
    Super October 2022
    Michele ·
    • Flag
    That is incredibly rude. All significant others are invited as a unit regardless of the length of time they have been together. It is not ok in any capacity for a bride and groom to ask someone to celebrate their relationship while disrespecting those of their guests.


    The best thing to do if they refuse to allow you to attend as his significant other is for your boyfriend to turn down the position as a united front.
    • Reply
  • K
    Just Said Yes June 2021
    Koy ·
    • Flag
    I’m am sadden for you that they won’t invite you or even let you know in the beginning. Making you think you were invited too. I understand if it was strictly immediate family but like you said it is not. If it was me I would feel really hurt and hope that my boyfriend would be on my side and not attend. Hopefully you can express everything you are feeling to your boyfriend because its not ok. I’m not in your shoes and I’m mad for you
    • Reply
  • Victorian Bride
    Master April 2021
    Victorian Bride ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    I agree! So sorry this has happened to you.
    • Reply
  • Stacey
    Expert May 2021
    Stacey ·
    • Flag

    They are being incredibly rude and disrespectful to your relationship and frankly to their friendship 😕 Your feelings are totally valid!

    • Reply
  • Apryl
    Dedicated March 2022
    Apryl ·
    • Flag
    I'm sorry that you feel this way and that your feelings are hurt. I think at this point its best to give your boyfriend your blessing for him to go be a groomsman. I think anything else would just cause more drama and stress for you.
    • Reply
  • Soon2Bemarried
    Dedicated October 2022
    Soon2Bemarried ·
    • Flag
    This is definitely beyond rude. The common courtesy would have been to minimally verbalize to your boyfriend whether or not you’d also be invited. It looks bad optically in their part, for the best man’s partner to not be invited. At some point, couples that aren’t married are viewed as a packaged deal by their associates/public. Especially since the friend know this to be the case for you two, I don’t see why they chose not to be clear with you two.


    It really comes down to which ramifications of his actions is your boyfriend less willing to deal with. If he’s less willing to deal with the potential fallout with you that could result from attending the wedding, he’ll stand with you and not go. But if he’s less willing to deal with the potential (and maybe likely) friendship loss, he’ll side with the best friend.
    I feel for you and it hurt me reading this. But when people show you who they are you believe them. On their part, this was disrespectful. Act accordingly. Good luck to you 💫
    • Reply
  • Yasmine
    Rockstar October 2020
    Yasmine Online ·
    • Flag
    If my husband was invited somewhere and I wasn't he simply wouldn't go. It doesn't matter if it was a relatives, bestfriends, co workers etc the ONLY reason he would go is if it was an all guys event. And it would've been the same if we were
    Dating or engaged. Your fiancé needs to step up and talk to his friend.
    • Reply
  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring Online ·
    • Flag
    Oh no. Im so sorry, I would feel hurt as well.
    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith Online ·
    • Flag
    I think your boyfriend should quite clearly say, if you do not respect the fact that Salomé and I are a couple and go together to social functions together, then I cannot be in or at your wedding. How awful .
    • Reply
  • Jai Butcher
    Rockstar May 2020
    Jai Butcher ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    I agree 100% yall r a team
    • Reply
  • M
    April 2021
    Michele ·
    • Flag

    One of the most difficult things about planning a wedding of any kind can be how you narrow down a list of guests. Someone is bound to be hurt, feel insulted, or maybe even relief to be honest. I understand that you want to be their and you want your boyfriend make a decision that would also hurt his friend. What point are you making as well? It doesn't sound like you were simply dismissed but that a very difficult decision based on venue had to be made and held too.

    You could express your disappointment, give your blessing for your boyfriend to attend so he can support his friend, and move forward. The idea that they delayed telling you because they knew it was going to be difficult is telling.

    • Reply
  • Yasmine
    Rockstar October 2020
    Yasmine Online ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    My thought exactly!
    • Reply
  • Claire
    Just Said Yes July 2022
    Claire ·
    • Flag
    This is such a crappy situation I’m sorry you’ve been put in this situation! I wouldn’t tell me boyfriend not to go, as you’ve pointed out that’s not something you’re comfortable with, but I would address it directly with this couple. Not only was it rude for you not to be invited, it was incredibly rude how they handled it. Since you have said that you consider the couple to be friends as well I honestly think you should reach out directly.


    Sending an assertive (not aggressive) message to the couple just expressing that you are thrilled for them, and would never encourage your boyfriend to turn down something he wanted to do, that it was very hurtful for them to imply you would be invited, retract that and then act like nothing was wrong. That it would have been kind of them to tell you directly, and that you are hurt by the implication that you are “just a plus one”. This way you are setting a boundary with how they can treat you, but not putting pressure on your boyfriend either way. Personally, I agree that he should also be addressing this directly with his friend. Boundaries are so important in friendships, and if these are very close friends then honest communication is usually the best bet.
    • Reply
  • Annika
    Expert November 2020
    Annika ·
    • Flag
    Wow. That is incredibly rude. It would be one thing if your BF was a distant cousin or something and they didnt know you were dating so they didnt make room for you, but as you said, BF is the BEST MAN and the 4 of you are all good/best friends. This is completely unacceptable, especially when they KNEW it was going to be hard to let you know and dodged the question for MONTHS. I would NEVER do that to my FH best man who i also consider a best friend, or any of my wedding party. You need to stand up for yourself regardless if your BF will, and tell them how you feel.
    • Reply
  • Kameran
    Just Said Yes November 2021
    Kameran ·
    • Flag
    If my fiancé was invited somewhere and I wasn’t he wouldn’t go. I wouldn’t dare invite someone to my wedding and not their partner that’s absolutely rude. I say tell your boyfriend how you feel and if he still chooses to go then that’s a conversation y’all need to have in person and not over the phone.
    • Reply
  • Dj Tanner
    June 2021
    Dj Tanner ·
    • Flag
    Are you sure that there wasn’t anything that may have happened that you can think of at all? His friend said to him “he’s just looking out for him “. What on earth could that possibly mean? Also, did they invite you to the engagement party, or did you just show up? Something just isn’t adding up here. Another thing that seems odd is the fact that your bf from what I gather it doesn’t seem to be bothered by this. As a bride, there are certainly significant others that I didn’t want to have to invite simply because I don’t know them, but when you think about weddings especially for a slow dances, you want your guests to feel comfortable and have a good time. I didn’t give single people +ones, but if they have significant others, especially if they live with them we certainly invited them. Can you think of anything at all that may have put you off on a bad foot with them? I really think you need to have a serious talk with your BF about this situation.
    • Reply
  • T
    Super April 2021
    Tiger Bride ·
    • Flag
    I have been in almost this exact situation, in your shoes. Like (most) other posters have expressed, if this isn't a Covid restriction type thing, it is incredibly rude. It sounds like they subscribe to the "no ring, no bring" line of thought for determining who should get invited. That is blatantly disrespectful of your relationship, and your BF should step down. How incredibly rude.
    • Reply
  • CountryBride
    Expert April 2022
    CountryBride ·
    • Flag

    First off hugs I am so sorry this happened it is extremely rude in my opinion for them to invite him and not you. I would let it go and encourage your boyfriend to still be apart of the wedding and that you will see him next time.

    • Reply
  • Tonilynn
    Dedicated September 2020
    Tonilynn ·
    • Flag
    Yea that would not fly with me sorry! That’s is super rude and cause issues in my relationship if he did not man up and explain to his “friend” that it’s both or NONE
    • Reply
  • Kelli
    Savvy May 2021
    Kelli ·
    • Flag
    I feel for you because I’ve been hurt in the past for not having “a ring on it” but waiting to be done with residency as well. So frustrating and my heart breaks with you. I think helping your BF see it thru your lens will help??
    • Reply

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