Advice for wedding planning with a terminally ill parent

I'm so sorry your FH, yourself & the rest of your families are going through this. Explain to them that in extrenuating circumstances, 2 ceremonies are allowed. This definitely is one of these times. Plan the ceremony for your FIL. And if people ask, and if you feel comfortable, explain that circumstances are what they are. Best of luck & know we are praying for you guys.

I am sorry for the situation
I think that having two weddings is a ver good option. In that way you can have the wedding you dreamed about and at the same time your are giving an opportunity for your fiances father to participate. Family is very opinionated about weddings sometimes, but eventually they will respect your decision, wich is the best your you a d your fiance. Give them time to get used to the idea of 2 weddings.

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Thank you, Atabey.

I'm curious what people's thoughts are on signing the legal documents a year before the second ceremony...? We would sign a religious document during the second ceremony. I know it doesn't make logical sense, but it doesn't seem like that should matter in a situation like this. Right?

Slightly different situation here but... My best friend was engaged and had the whole wedding plan then found out she was pregnant. The did not change any wedding plans she was just going to get married 7 months pregnant. At six months things went horribly wrong and they had to do an emergency C-section, and she and the baby had to be in the hospital quite a while. They got married in the hospital so she and the baby could get on her husbands far better health insurance, and cancelled the wedding. Almost two years later after things settled down they had the wedding they had always wanted. Everybody knew they were already legally married but nobody cared the slightest bit about it because they understood the situation and why they had gotten married before the wedding. I would hope people would be just as understanding in your situation.

Have both ceremonies. Your parents/family need to look at this through the viewpoint of a dying parent. If it were your mother or father that was dying, wouldn't they want to see you saying your vows? That's how your FH's father is feeling now. At this point, what is important is what you and FH want to do given his father's situation. Truly caring people will understand why you would have a small, early ceremony for FFIL and stick with your original plans for September 2019.

I don't think you will ever regret having an early ceremony for your FH's father. Doing so shows how thoughtful and loving you both are.

I am so very sorry to hear this. I know it is going to be a rough year on you and FH, and I wish you both the best. I think the civil ceremony is a wonderful idea! It will be a lasting memory and bonding moment that will help your FH through some rough times ahead. My mother died last year, so I am on the other side of this fence from you, and I hope my insight can help.

If having a civil ceremony will allow FFIL to be in attendance, and you and FH want to do this, you NEED to DO IT! Period. The recent loss of a parent haunts you and looms over your wedding day; it breaks your heart beyond words that they are not there to share the moment with you. You can put a price tag on most things wedding related, but not that. It impacts how you experience and celebrate your own wedding. If you have an option, and dont take it, you are risking a big regret.

I never got to call and tell my mom I was engaged, she never got to see me in a wedding dress. Not being able to share that or my excitement with her breaks my heart. I just barely missed out on something SO IMPORTANT; she died so close to being able to share it with me. If your FH wants this, do it for him and his peace of mind/healing.

As far as your family members who cant see the forest for the trees, they may need to have it put in perspective. Challenge them to see it through his father's eyes: "what if you suddenly got a diagnosis and wouldn't be alive to walk me down the isle? Would/should other people seeing the big event as a "fake" wedding prevent me from doing whatever possible to share that moment with you?" How would that make them feel? Also, explain what it means to FH, and underscore that you are being a supportive FW, doing whatever you can to make the upcoming life transition easier for FH. IMPORTANTLY, Invite them to attend the civil ceremony so they dont feel left out.

In a million years I would not consider the wedding to be "fake" because you had a private civil ceremony in order to share the moment with a dying parent. That is absurd and superficial. Personally, anyone who would begrudge this gesture is rather short-sighted in my opinion. Try to help them understand, invite them, and explain it to them. Do NOT let them talk you out of it. As someone living in the aftermath, knowing how it impacts your ability to experience your own wedding, trust me. DON'T. I would say that if they can understand it, they will just need to come to terms with it.

View Quoted Comment It matters legally, because it is legal documents. It DOES NOT matter when it comes to why you are doing this, and has absolutely NO baring on the sentiment behind your big wedding. So no, it does NOT matter in any way other than legalities.

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Weddings are rituals that have different meanings for each person. They are not only a ritual for the couple, but for the family two. The important thing here is that your fiance and you agree in what is the best option for you and your families. I think its great that youu would have two days, instead of one, to celebrate your love with the people you care the most. I think its a beautiful way to handle this situation. Forget about what other people think, and do what your heart tells you.

I would just do two. It's important his father is there. You could even do a courthouse ceremony & a nice dinner after.

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This. Before marriage equality was passed, some churches would still do commitment ceremonies and allow same sex couples to sign religious documents which did not make it a legal marriage but just showed the church's support for the couple. Those couples then had to go back and get "legalled" after it passed, basically just doing civil ceremonies for the legal documents. Both sets of paperwork say different things for you as a couple and it is ok to do them at different times, it will not diminish the personal significance of either of them for you.

I wanted to give an update. With one and a half months to go, James and I pushed against my family and planned our wedding in Vermont, the state where his father was living. The timing was shocking. His father had been doing relatively well until the week of the date we set. We had to move him into hospice care on Thursday, moved our wedding ceremony to the respite home for Saturday, and his father passed on Sunday.

We'll still have our second ceremony exactly one year later as a celebration of our loved ones who supported us through the first chapter of our marriage and, of course, a celebration of the two of us and the love we have for one another.

Thank you to everyone for your encouragement. I have grown so much from this experience and the advice I would share is to trust your gut and remember that this day is for YOU and YOUR PARTNER and you CAN trust your decisions.

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I'm so sorry for your loss. But I'm glad you went with your heart and had the first ceremony you wanted because it is going to be with you in your heart forever.