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Brandi
Just Said Yes September 2020

a wedding guest's girlfriend use to hook up with the groom

Brandi, on May 25, 2020 at 2:20 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 27
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A close friend of the groom is dating a girl who once was involved in an intimate relationship with the groom. They just hit their 1 Year but are not engaged. The Save the Dates went out and she is not invited. There is a negative history between me (the Bride) and this girl. I don't feel comfortable with her attending. Do I have to/should I invite her? tenor.gif



27 Comments

  • M
    Dedicated October 2021
    Megan ·
    • Flag

    Sorry, the gif just makes this whole post feel very juvenile.

    I'm not sure why you're asking this question if your save-the-dates already went out and she wasn't on them. It's definitely customary to invite all significant others, regardless of the time they've been in a relationship, as you don't really get to decide the seriousness of someone's relationship. If you're uncomfortable, that's a valid emotion. It sounds like it might be a moot point if she wasn't invited--this is really something to be discussed between you and the groom.

    • Reply
  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn Online ·
    • Flag
    You don’t have to, but you’re rude not to. He’s marrying you, I think he’s over the hookup. I would fully expect this friend to decline your invitation. This seems really petty on your end.
    • Reply
  • Gen
    Champion June 2019
    Gen ·
    • Flag
    Do you think the guy dating her will understand her not being invited? Will he be upset by not being able to bring her? Does he have other friends attending the wedding that he can hang out with? When/if THEY get married, do you and your husband expect to be invited to their wedding?
    • Reply
  • Samantha
    Dedicated August 2020
    Samantha ·
    • Flag
    Honestly, its your wedding. And if you dont want someone there, then dont invite them. I dont find it rude at all... This is a day your paying a lot of money for to spend with people you love and celebrate. Why put urself in an uncomfortable position. Like u said, they're not married and you personally dont like her.
    • Reply
  • N
    Beginner August 2021
    Naoomi ·
    • Flag
    I don’t think you have to, if he’s a close friend of the groom I’d say talk to your fiancé and talk to him about it. He may want his friend there and his friend may be okay coming by himself. But it’s your wedding your money I don’t think you’re entitled to have anyone there that you simply don’t want to.
    • Reply
  • Jai Butcher
    Rockstar May 2020
    Jai Butcher ·
    • Flag
    Its not rude to not invite her. I wouldn't.
    • Reply
  • Katherine
    Just Said Yes May 2021
    Katherine ·
    • Flag
    My FH and I didn't have an actual conversation about it beforehand, but his cousin is now dating my FH's very serious ex girlfriend. They are cordial now but didn't end on good terms initially. He automatically said he will not be paying for this girl's to have dinner yet another time, so his cousin will be invited without a plus one.


    I have an ex that I am friend's with, but I know it makes him uncomfortable that we're friends. Therefore I am not inviting him, which will be awkward because the rest of that friend circle is invited.
    I wouldn't want my FH to be uncomfortable or a day that is ours, so you shouldn't be uncomfortable on a day that is yours
    • Reply
  • M
    Beginner September 2020
    Mel ·
    • Flag
    I don’t blame you. I am not quite sure why people try to hold others to these antiquated etiquette standards about who to invite. It’s you and your FH’s wedding and I am pretty sure having an ex there is not your idea of the perfect day - and that is exactly what you deserve. Don’t let anyone guilt you into inviting people you don’t want there.
    • Reply
  • Courtney
    Super September 2019
    Courtney ·
    • Flag
    I would probably ask your fiancé to speak to his friend about the situation. If it’s going to make everyone involved uncomfortable then maybe she shouldn’t be invited but I would also expect the possibility that his friend might not attend. He might be understanding of the situation and the girlfriend might not want to come in the first place. I do think it’s more tactful to address the situation personally than just leaving her name off the invite though.
    • Reply
  • M
    Devoted December 2020
    mrswinteriscoming ·
    • Flag
    I’m somewhere in the middle with this; it’s your wedding and the whole ‘you have to because...’ (it’s a significant partner) is totally wrong! I have people I don’t want to invite but they’re family / we don’t have bad blood per se, but this i think you’re off the hook with.


    You really don’t need to justify it to anyone, and even so, many people follow a ‘no ring no bring’ rule. Just be prepared the friend might not want to come solo or might ask if he can bring his partner.
    • Reply
  • Elizabeth
    Rockstar June 2021
    Elizabeth ·
    • Flag

    I'd talk to your fiancé about it and decide together. Yeah, it could be considered rude if you don't, but it's your day and if you two decide not to, it's your decision to make.

    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    If they are still together closer to the wedding, like a 10-12 weeks out when you address a tual invitations, then yes, she should be invited. This is clearly an established relationship, not just a few dates. Such people may not get saves, but definitely get their own invitations by name, as SO. These are not plus ones. You invite couples together. Now that groom is with you, all previous relationships are history. Close the door, don't act as though they are an ongoing threat. That would say, I do not trust my fiance. If that is true, don't marry him. You do not have to like people's choice of boyfriend or girlfriend. But couples are invited to couple social events together. It is your respect for your friend or family member you show by accepting that whoever they live or care about, comes with them, without you passing judgement.
    No ring, no bring is considered rude in standard Etiquette. This very close friend of the groom who has been with this woman a year already, deserves to have you respect his girlfriend. ******No ring , no bring went out as acceptable manners 50 years ago. It is a carryover from times when the primary goal of any adult woman after age 18 was to marry, and any woman not engaged or married had no social status and was a non-entity, had no importance, except with her family, or a man she was marrying or had married.
    Most women now would gag if told, whether you have been together 6 months or ten years, you are not part of a couple, and your boyfriend or live in love, is considered a bachelor to be invited to couple events on his own. I am sure you would not want to be treated as unimportant after a year, or even much less, with someone. Not everyone who loves, marries. That does not make their relationships worthless or unimportant. Don't be so rude to your groom's close friend, as to decide not to invite her. Ask him if he wants her invited, and if he says yes, take down her full name and address, and politely send her an invitation. And ignore as bad manners /bad advice, anyone who says "no ring, no bring. "
    • Reply
  • Serena
    Devoted October 2020
    Serena ·
    • Flag
    Nope. Wouldn't do it. Like PP mentioned, have your fiance talk to the friend and explain. It's YOUR day. You should feel 100% comfortable
    • Reply
  • Emily
    Devoted September 2020
    Emily ·
    • Flag
    In making the decision, I wouldn't really weigh etiquette. Obviously it's not to have some nemesis out there 😂, but sometimes people don't get along.


    It's you and your partner - express how you feel rationally (e.g. you think you'd feel uncomfortable, etc) and talk it out. The guy friend may cancel as a result, so just need to take into account how badly that might hurt your partner and impact his time at the wedding.
    I've got a few people on the guest list that aren't my favorite people, who I would never agree to dinner with, but they are +1s or family friends. The way I've tried to get over it is knowing that I won't be at their table, I'll probably not even speak to them or see them most of the night. But you need to do whatever will give you and your partner the happiest night.
    • Reply
  • Leanne
    Devoted September 2020
    Leanne ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Thank you for this comment! I have a girlfriend that I regretfully hooked up with 10 years ago, and have remained friends. But my future husband hasn’t met him, knows that we are still somewhat friends, but I didn’t think it was appropriate to invite him to our wedding. Your reply confirms that for me. Glad I’m not the only one with these sorts of situations!
    • Reply
  • Leanne
    Devoted September 2020
    Leanne ·
    • Flag
    I agree that you don’t need her distracting you on your big day. I’d get your FH to talk to his friend. Just be honest and let him know it would make you uncomfortable and see what he says.
    • Reply
  • Dawana
    Savvy February 2021
    Dawana ·
    • Flag

    Girl its your wedding, invite who you want at the end of the day you should feel happy at your wedding and not uncomfortable at your own event. This is an important day its not about pleasing anyone else, just have the conversation with your fiance. Its about you two no one else.

    • Reply
  • C
    Dedicated 0000
    Chloe ·
    • Flag
    Absolutely do not have to invite, nor justify her not being invited. Its your day and you don't have to share it with those your not close to.
    • Reply
  • Brandi
    Just Said Yes September 2020
    Brandi ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Him and his family are apparently moving to Florida at some point this summer (as planned prior to COVID). He has other single guy friends attending (college roommates). We also, have too many people invited as it is and our venue capacity is 175. So we decided married and engaged couples only so I think he would understand. It's just a touchy subject, because everyone is aware me and this girl had issues in college. Nothing I did, but it's awkward and uncomfortable.


    As far as if they got married.. I would not care to be invited. If they live somewhere we have to fly I doubt we will be able to attend. I would go if my fiancé wanted to, because we are married. She just put me through a lot for absolutely no reason and I'm not sure I want to be reminded of that on my wedding day. :/
    • Reply
  • Brandi
    Just Said Yes September 2020
    Brandi ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Yes! I completely agree. I am pretty good friends with one of my ex's. I did not invite him and his long term gf even though I thought of them. It is just the one day I don't want to be reminded. Thank you for sharing!
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