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Savvy December 2019

a fiesty sister of the groom

Elizabeth, on July 13, 2018 at 1:05 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 23
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I need some advice here... my future husbands sister is a bit challenging. She is the same age as myself but there is a huge maturity difference there. She likes to find small things to debate over and she is intense about it. Even during a casual conversation she will find something you said and twist your words and begin to debate until there is a screaming match, which I never participate in. She doesn’t have a job and complains much about how expensive everything is. She is an extreme feminist and doesn’t wear make up, or shave her armpits or legs. I am not that close to her and neither is the groom, however it would hurt her feelings and my mother in laws feelings if we do not include her in our wedding party. The groom doesn’t really want her in the party but I don’t want to start our marriage with his family not happy in our choices. If we do ask her, out of kindness, then I am concerned that she will complain the entire time and drain my energy. She doesn’t wear dresses or heels and I require those who are in the party to look presentable, which means shaved, make up and a nice hairdo.
I know it would make everyone happy if I included her in the wedding but she is a big handful. Call me selfish, but on my wedding day I want it to be about me and he groom, not about how she hates wearing a dress.

Has as anyone been in this situation or does anyone have any advice for us?

Many thanks in advance!

23 Comments

  • MrsV1027
    Master October 2018
    MrsV1027 ·
    • Flag

    Can she just be an usher so she's not up there with you and in so many of the pictures? Then she could wear nice pants and a nice shirt?

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  • Going to the chapel
    Master July 2017
    Going to the chapel ·
    • Flag

    She is your FH's sister and should be on his side of the bridal party. His headache. Smiley smile She can wear a pantsuit if she doesn't like dresses. That solves the shaving issue. It would go overboard to require her to wear makeup. Let her be natural on that point and as long as her hair is combed don't complain.

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  • MrsD
    Legend July 2019
    MrsD ·
    • Flag

    I wouldn't ask her. I was in a wedding last year and the bride didn't ask the groom's 2 sisters to be in her bridal party, and they were fine. She had met them, but they weren't close. I'm including all 4 of my fiance's sisters, but I'm close to them and talk to all of them regularly. It sounds like asking her will only stress you out.

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  • DC Wife 10.27.18
    Master October 2018
    DC Wife 10.27.18 ·
    • Flag

    I wouldn't ask her. If she's difficult now, she'll be worse later. Its your bridal party and no one should be guilting their way into it.

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  • HayMrsO
    Master October 2018
    HayMrsO ·
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    That sounds like a plan! Usher or something like that.

    Or, you can just be honest with her. "If you would like to be a bridesmaid, we would love to have you. We would require you to wear a dress, get your hair done and be properly groomed. If you are not comfortable with that, we totally understand. Perhaps you could be an usher?"

    Maybe discuss it beforehand with your FMIL. She may be able to give you some good insight.

    All of this based on the premise that you feel like you *have to* have her do something. Because in all honesty, you don't.

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  • Amy
    Devoted July 2018
    Amy ·
    • Flag

    If you feel like she needs to be included, what about having her do a reading? It doesn't have to be religious if that's not for you, if could be some song lyrics or a poem or whatever. She could wear a pantsuit or whatever she is comfortable in so she shouldn't have anything to complain about in that respect.

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  • char
    Expert September 2018
    char ·
    • Flag

    OMG, you have described my FSIL to a tee. However, I never even once considered having her in my WP. She has made it very clear that she doesn't like me and doesn't think I am good enough for her brother. It wouldn't smooth any ruffled feathers if I did ask her, and would probably give her an opportunity to create yet more drama, so I will send her an invite and she can just be a guest.

    I wouldn't include her if you're not close. But that's just me, and I AM selfish Smiley winking



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  • M
    0000
    Mim ·
    • Flag
    I wouldn't have her in your party, she's not one of your nearest and dearest friends and family. She could stand with your fh if he'd like her to.

    On another note, are you planning on paying for hair and makeup? If you aren't, you can't really require it. Just something to keep in mind.
    • Reply
  • E
    Savvy December 2019
    Elizabeth ·
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    Great question! Yes I will provide hair and makeup for all who are in the party.
    • Reply
  • M
    0000
    Mim ·
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    Super! Too many brides don't want to take on the expense, but still want a made up look for their parties.
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  • E
    Savvy December 2019
    Elizabeth ·
    • Flag
    That would be very unfair if a bride required that without helping to pay for it.
    • Reply
  • M
    0000
    Mim ·
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    Stick around! Your voice is needed.
    • Reply
  • E
    Savvy December 2019
    Elizabeth ·
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    I did talk with my FMIL and she said that the sister of the groom would be upset if we didn’t ask her and now that I had he conversation with my FMIL I feel like she will be disappointed if we didn’t ask as well. Tough spot. I am a people pleaser but this is the one occasion where it should be about what we want, so I’m struggling a bit.
    • Reply
  • E
    Devoted August 2018
    Emily ·
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    I think your honest approach is worded beautifully, and is a great compromise.

    • Reply
  • Deirdre
    Super March 2018
    Deirdre ·
    • Flag
    You could always ask her to do a reading or something like that. I wouldn't ask her to be in your wedding party especially since you said neither you or your FH are close with her. When planning a wedding there is no way to make everyone happy and you will inevitably hurt someone's feelings. It doesn't sound like she would even have the money to get an outfit for the day. Your BP should be your nearest and dearest and who you want standing up there with you. Stay strong and say no. Ask her to do a reading or be an usher or say a toast even. I just don't think you want the stress of having her in your BP.


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  • Jen
    VIP July 2018
    Jen ·
    • Flag

    Why don't you have our FH include her in his party? That's becoming quite common now and it would his headache then and not yours!

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  • E
    Savvy December 2019
    Elizabeth ·
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    He doesn’t want her either, which sounds horrible I know. He is having a best lady instead of a best man.
    • Reply
  • Jen
    VIP July 2018
    Jen ·
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    Oh wow! We'll I'd tell him he has to have her or he gets to deal with her and your FMIL.

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  • Kiwibride
    Super November 2018
    Kiwibride ·
    • Flag
    I definitely wouldn't make her a BM. The people standing with you should be the people closest to you, that's not her. It would be more appropriate for her to stand on FH side but again, if he doesn't feel close to her then he shouldn't ask her. Don't feel obligated to include her to keep the peace, a reading or being an usher is a good compromise to keep her involved but just inviting her as a guest is fine.
    • Reply
  • AshleyR
    Master October 2016
    AshleyR ·
    • Flag
    It’s up to your FH to decide whether or not he wants to ask her to be on his side, and let him deal with any fallout with his mother, it’s not your fight to have. On another note, you can not dictate that someone wears makeup, a dress, or shave if they’re not comfortable with it.
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