a Case for the Black-tie Wedding

I completely understand your disappointment. Weddings take a ton of planning, and are very personal events. Most brides have a specific aesthetic in mind for their big day. However, when you break it down to its most basic form, what your guests wear is just aesthetics. At the end of the day, it really isn’t that important. If people who are important to you are indicating they cannot/will not wear black tie attire, I would just let it be. It’s really not worth creating an uncomfortable relationship with these people over a dress or a suit. Also, black-tie formalwear requires most people to purchase items, or to rent a tux. Whether they can afford to or not is really beside the point. As brides, we should not dictate how our loved ones spend their hard earned money. Just because they could afford to do so, does it mean spending money on a fancy gown or a tuxedo is what they wish to spend their money on. Spending hundreds of dollars for a new outfit to wear one evening is not something many will prioritize financially. I would reassess your priorities and determine which is more important to you-having your guests in black tie attire, or just being surrounded by those you love, regardless of what they are wearing.

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Thank you for your response! I absolutely agree the aesthetic is not important. However, the true issue is not about the aesthetic at all. I truly do not mind that they will not be able to wear the indicated attire. I know there will be individuals, for a number of reasons, who cannot appear in a tuxedo. I understand that much. However, the true issue is simply that I felt it was very hurtful and rude to tell me months in advance that they would not even try to accommodate the request.

There have been points in my life that my fiancé and I have had to thrift, rent, borrow, etc. to ensure that we would be able to appear in the right attire for an event. Sometimes we were not able to accommodate the request, but we at least tried! However, we always gave it our best effort until the last moment because it was important to us to try.

I suppose by communicating this, these individuals have made me feel like my event is not important to them - that they won't even try their best! This is my issue with these exchanges. I feel that time is of the essence, I would have rather they "tried" until the time of the wedding. I certainly do not wish to create an uncomfortable relationship with those in my life, and have no intention of doing do, but that is the issue. They have already created an uncomfortable relationship by indicating our event is not worth any of their efforts.

Please know I am so appreciative of your insight.

Warm regards,

J

I think they are rude complaining to you when you have a partner who shares equal decision on dress code. When they come to you again, just smile and say "you don't need my approval on what you're wearing". Let them be in their feelings for they won't be in pictures. Photographers don't know who guests are and will only capture guests in theme.

As for why they were quick to refuse, it's not your business anyway whether it be socio-economic anxiety, anti-rules, or anti-wedding. I don't think they mean to slight you like you're not important. However, if they called you a Bridezilla and told you dress code is "frivolous", then I would retort such statements are hurtful and they should decline the invitation then. But, more likely the male eqo's knee-jerk response is rooted in arrogance or deep-seated financial insecurity. No need to delve into that.

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What a fantastic point you make! This is very helpful. Thank you so much for responding. Wishing you the best.

View Quoted Comment I think you are looking at this from a hyper sensitive standpoint because your wedding is obviously incredibly important to you. It doesn’t sound like your guests are indicating your wedding isn’t important to them…. They are indicating that they are unable to satisfy the dress code, or that financially the dress code for an event is not a priority to them- both quite valid! Tbh, it seems really selfish of you to want to put your guests into a situation where they have to skrimp and save down to the last minute in order to purchase attire for your wedding. I would be horrified if my guests were put in that situation! They are being respectful by giving you ample notice that they already know they are not in a position to wear the attire. Most brides would appreciate the forewarning and would be incredibly stressed out if they found out last minute many other guests suddenly are not going to wear the suggested attire. I think you need to look at the situation from outside your own viewpoint as a bride, and adjust the way you are interpreting their responses. I would focus more on the fact that you are very blessed to have the people you love taking time out of their own lives to attend your event and show support of you and your fiancé’s relationship; and less on what they are wearing (including why, or the time frame in which they are informing you of it).

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Thank you for your perspective! Perhaps I will try being less sensitive.

I wonder if their early mention of their issues with the black-tie attire could be a testing of the waters. They may be doing this to see if the invitation is withdrawn (but not likely) or to see if there is leniency on this dress code so they can decide whether they can come dressed a step down from black-tie. If they brought this up last minute and refused to go black-tie, the options for your or them are fewer.

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That is also a great point! Thank you.

Dress codes can get people into trouble for sure. Although it is rude of them to complain, black tie attire is very crowd-specific.

Renting dresses and tuxes can get pricey, and for them, it's not a priority what they wear. It's not that your wedding isn't important, but they aren't seeing why the dress code is important.

Honestly, this is why black tie is not a great idea unless the vast majority of your guests are very used to attending this kind of event. I totally understand you have a vision, but it should not change your enjoyment of the day if people show up in slacks and button down instead of a tux. I think they're actually being polite telling - honestly, id just show up in what i could and call it a day.

The bridesmaids' husbands are probably annoyed because they don't really have a choice about attending (given that their wives are bridesmaids). I grew up attending lots of black tie weddings with my family and they're a pain in the butt for people who don't own tuxes and fancy gowns. Usually my husband and I outright decline invitations to black tie weddings these days. It would have been nice had these people asked you if it were ok to not show up in a tux rather than told you, but it's probably coming from a place of frustration or possibly financial issues. I would just let it go and enjoy your day.

FWIW, we had a six-figure wedding with a 9 piece band, ritzy venue, 4 course plated meal, passed apps, full open bar with top shelf liquor, white glove service, and valet, and we didn't do black tie. Guests showed up in suits and a mix of cocktail and long dresses and they all looked lovely. Just because you can require black tie doesn't mean that you have to. Even though these guests may have gone about it in a rude way, it's a good thing that they have at least been honest with you that renting tuxes isn't a possibility for them

People who feel entitled to be rude to get their own way at other peoples' weddings, whether it's by brining a kid to an adult-only wedding, complaining about bar options, or, as it is here, making a fuss over a dress code, is one of my pet peeves. In the case of dress codes, people adhere to dress codes at work, when they go out, etc. without issue, but when it comes to weddings (which have historically been considered a "female interest")? This sort of thing happens. Brides get raked over the coals if they don't adhere to every rule of etiquette, but somehow this kind of guest behavior is pervasive. If black tie attire is too much, either decline or just wear something as close as possible to black tie without making a big scene about it.

I think it's rude of your guests to complain (especially so if they had an attitude about it), but I also think you handled it as well as possible. "The dress code is black tie because our wedding will have black-tie service. We understand if black-tie isn't feasible, but we hope you'll do your best," is a great response. I wouldn't give it any more attention after that.

FWIW, if someone doesn't meet the dress code standard, you probably won't even notice. I was so wrapped up in the day that I couldn't have told you what most of my guests wore.

We haven't sent invitations out yet but we've indicated dress code on our website and have an expanded explanation in our FAQ. For us, we LOVE dressing up. We regularly go out to and throw themed parties, dress up to just go to dinner, and both collect vintage clothing. The weddings I've been to in my home state, despite some saying black tie, you usually only get people wearing normal suits, polos, and khakis, and regularly sneakers. So with ours, we worded it in a way that talks about our love for dressing up and how we'd love to see everyone dressed. All of the pictures on our site show us dressed up in various locations. We mentioned that we are both wearing vintage 1920s/1930s wedding attire. We've also given people a little bit of an out with saying "creative vintage" (we chatted with our vintage minded people to see what they used on their invites) and gave people an inspiration board. We wanted to make it more fun, an excuse to go a little crazy, instead of sounding mandatory. My mom, who lives in jeans or sweatpants, is like "bring on the ostrich feathers!" I think you can also mention to them that it doesn't have to be expensive. The majority of my partner's suits and dress shoes come from thrift stores.

It’s not that it’s rude to complain this far ahead of time, it’s rude to complain at all. While it’s perfectly appropriate to host a black tie event, I think there is an element of knowing whether it would be an imposition for many or most people in your crowd before planning one.


Black tie is not strictly speaking a dress code but an indication of formality. Traditionalists would say there’s no such correct thing as black tie optional, either an event is formal ie black or white tie, or it’s not. Dark suits and ties have always been acceptable substitutions for those who can’t buy, rent or borrow and and no one is going to bounce guests for non-compliance regardless.

I think your guests are being rude if their tone was really that confrontational. I would never reach out to a couple and say “btw I’m not following your dress code.” I think it’s personally fine to reach out for clarification or run a compromise by them due to finances, inability to get the proper attire whatever, but it’s all about tone. Some venues even require a certain dress code, so for all they know this isn’t even coming from you. This is a dress code, not a request for your guests to wear a specific color or otherwise turning them into photo props. I do agree with prior posters who have said you probably won’t even notice that a male guest, for example, wore slacks and a dress shirt because you’ll be distracted by so many other things, but black tie is like any other wedding with extra hoops (like a destination wedding): maybe you’ll get more declines, but as long as you’re fine with that, have the event that matches your vision.