A Bridesmaid Stepping Down

She doesn't have to contribute time to the shower either. This is not a bridesmaid requirement. She is busy with a new job and stress financially. She doesn't have to prove her friendship to you by spending time on a shower so stop making her do so (or stop letting the MOH try to guilt her into contributing time since she can't contribute money). She can't contribute time OR money right now, so leave her alone. Asking for a time to meet with her to discuss it IS ALSO ASKING OF HER TIME! Text her to tell her you would like her at the wedding day (and if you can help pay for dress or lessen the cost- do so), but she doesn't have to show up except when the wedding starts and leave it at that. Haven't you ever had a busy time where you couldn't make time to meet friends or do other things?

Even after telling her she doesn't have to do anything but buy the dress and show up, she isn't responding to my texts and I just feel like if this is such a burden on people why even have a shower. This whole process has gotten so overwhelming and the maids didn't want me to be involved but here I am whirling in the middle of this and its not fair.

It sounds like your BMs have been told that helping throw the shower is one of their responsibilities, rather than being asked if any of them wanted to be involved or not. It sounds like your MOH told them they needed to help pay for it and just gave them a number she wanted from them, rather than asking those who desired to help plan and host the shower how much they could afford to contribute and then plan within that budget. It sounds like when this one BM said she couldn't afford that, your MOH or the other BMs told her that she owed them her time towards doing things for her shower, rather than just saying "okay, you don't have to help host."

I don't know where this mentality is coming from. Only you know whether you placed an expectation on your BP to throw you a shower or whether your MOH decided it was an expectation of your entire BP to help fund the shower she offered to throw. A shower isn't their responsibility. Showers are optional. They are the responsibility of the individual or group (BP or not) who decide they are able to and want to throw you one. The only responsibilities your BP has are to get the agreed upon dress and to show up on your wedding day.

I'd apologize that she was made to feel that she had to do more than get her dress and be with you on your wedding day. If you did place any expectation of a shower on your BMs, let her know that you see, now, that you were wrong. Let her know that planning and hosting the shower isn't anything that she or the other BMs have to do if they don't want to. She may still want to step down after hearing you say all of that. I'd respect her wishes. It's one thing to know something isn't a requirement of a BP, but it's another to stand up to a MOH who refuses to take no as an answer. She may feel like it's easier to step down from the BP rather than tell your MOH and the other BMs that she won't be contributing money or time to the shower and have to deal with them after that.

There should never be a financial barrier to be in a wedding.

I agree with BlueHen bride. Your MOH sounds out of line insisting on this shower and it sounds like you need to talk to your MOH about her behavior, not your BM. Try to apologize to your BM for how you MOH probably made her feel.

ETA: BM not FM wrong acronym

@Blue Hen....I totally get what you're saying and honestly I have to talk with my MOH she is messing things up here and I am just about to plan my shower and take on the reins (a bit of a type A bride already) If it cannot be done right do it yourself. It just sucks because my shower is January 20th so time is not on my side. This should have been made clear months ago and I'm embarrassed it led to this.

Oh geez, don't plan your own shower. That is not ok. Speak to your MOH and tell her to please back off on making demands of your bridesmaids. They can be involved if they want to and if they OFFER.

Good on her for being honest with you

Waaaaaaiit a minute. While I think it may be appropriate to talk to your MOH about how you're saddened that she's not planning within the budget of the whole BP or giving those who don't have the time or money to be a part of the shower planning team the option to say "no thanks" to helping plan....it is in no way acceptable for you to take over the planning and plan your own shower.

Showers are optional. You get one if someone else offers. You do not automatically get a shower just because you are getting married. A bridal shower is a gift giving event in your honor. It's rude to plan or host your own shower because you would be inviting people to come celebrate you and bring you stuff. It would be very inappropriate if you took over the planning.

It's also not okay to make a person or a group feel like they are obligated to throw you a shower, or ask anyone to do it. No one is obligated to throw you a shower. Showers are thrown by a person or group who think to do it all on their own and who are willing and able to throw it. Showers can be a big time and financial commitment. If someone is going to do it, it should be because they truly want to.

Don't take over this shower. You will look very bad to your guests if you do. Simply mention to your MOH that you hope the shower isn't becoming a burden to any of your BMs.

How about just cancel the shower? This seems the easiest. I didn't have any bridal shower or bachelorette party for this reason- it would be an imposition on everyone else and I don't like that.

I would just talk to your MOH about not requiring anyone else from the bridal party to contribute time & money to the shower and/or bachelorette. If she insists on certain things then she needs to be prepared to plan and pay for them, if other members of your bridal party wish to help- then so be it.

You have reached out to the friend who has stepped down and tried to make things right, now leave her be and give her time to cool off and respond. You have let her know you feel bad about this, now just give her some space. You were forced into the middle of this and it sucks but the solution is not to take over planning of these events.

In no way am I planning to host my shower but try to organize things. This is my MOHs first time being a MOH and I have been in that position before so I get it but she is clearly being more demanding with expectations that are not mine. I am just about to say cancel the shower but the invitations went out two weeks ago. It has just left such a bad taste in my mouth and I wouldn't imagine other brides having this issue. I have gotten involved simply because now my one bm is saying she needs to step down. I won't force her to be involved and if she wants to step down I get it but now I am being told my MOH makes decisions without confirming with the others and I think my MOH expects everyone to be equal and share the planning. I'm getting overwhelmed with all of these extra things and we are going into finals already

I would just let her step down. It doesn't have to end your friendship. She's just being honest about her situation. My cousin stepped down because she just didn't feel comfortable being in front of a bunch of people and didn't feel confident in herself. There were no hard feelings. I still paid fir her to come get makeup done with us and I left her on the website. I sat her in the front row with her husband and kids as a place of honor.

I can tell you that a MOH can make or break a bridal party. When planning my oldest daughters wedding her MOH was a bitch....told me to shut the f up, tried to run over everyone and wanted everything to be what she wanted not what my daughter wanted. It got so bad that the rest of the bridal party was going to step down as they could not deal with her. Talk to her again and see exactly what the issue is...if it is a financial issue then you have the option of accepting her decision to step down or assist her financially. If the issues are more than that then you might have to reel in your MOH. Please realize that a new job is a stressful time, add in new finances, time constraints, etc.

I can't imagine anyone who is hosting a shower would be thrilled at the idea of the bride telling her "you're not doing it right" and "I'm taking over the planning from you, but it will still look like you're hosting it." Your MOH would likely be insulted if you took over planning the shower she's hosting and wouldn't stick around to pretend to host it. You can talk to her about scaling things back or not burdening the BMs that don't want to be involved, but you can't take over planning the shower and expect there not to be any consequences to your friendship or her willingness to still host.

Are the bridesmaids paying for your shower? I know this isn't uncommon but maybe this is why she can't do it. My future mother in law paid for my shower and I gave my MOH a decorations budget. Together mother in law and MOH played the whole thing, but MOH didn't spend a dime. I don't like asking friends to do all that.

As it is, bridesmaids have to buy a dress, hair, makeup, etc it is a financial burden.

Can you contribute $$ to your shower but let them host it and plan it? I know WW tends to be against this but I disagree. Life is expensive and no one wants to come out of pocket $$$ for your party

@Magarita. --I was actually thinking this. I would "annonmously" have $$ so no one complains its coming from me lol. It seems that the expectations from my MOH were higher and through this whole process she was telling the BM's...well this is what the bride wants...making me sound like a total bridezilla. I may have chosen the theme and wanted a brunch but that was it. My girls are telling me that my MOH kept saying that and it makes me look bad.

Definitely have a talk with your MOH and make sure she is clear with expectations that all the BP needs to do is buy a dress and show up. I have a BM who is a single mom and often has things come up at the last minute where she can't make it to things. My BP threw us an engagement party and this one BM couldn't make it (all the rest of the BP contributed financially, but her). Sad to not see her, but nbd. For other of my friends' weddings we would get together to look at bridesmaid dresses and have a lunch afterwards. I organized this, same friend had to miss it. At this point my MOH said I should kick her out of the wedding. Thank you WW, because I know how that's a huge no-no. I set a new expectation with my MOH: it's okay she didn't make it to these things. She just needs to buy the dress and show up. Unless she doesn't order the dress on her own (at this point she has), she's staying in the wedding. Anything she wants to put together is awesome, but know that it's not my expectation that everyone attends or contributes.

She stepped down let her if she doesn't have the time .I am making sure that everyone can afford everything equally and I can't see what she would really be paying for. Talk to her about it.

I think you should leave her alone. After your shower tell her that you'd like her to read a passage or say a poem during the ceremony or reception after the toast. This will make her feel included, she doesn't have to dish out a ton of cash and it will relieve her of stress. Some ladies just can't handle it all. But don't jeopardize your friendship. Include her and I'm sure she will give you a generous gift which is equally important as a bridesmaid's duties.