2 Months 'Til Wedding - Getting Serious Cold Feet

Something is behind all the fighting. ...what about a neutral 3rd party to help sort out what the issues are and tips to constructively work on differences...counselor....minister...social worker...just my thoughts...

You need a weekend a way just relax and enjoy these last two months and realize. it will be worth it in the end also remember to smile it helps with being positive with every thing

Maybe you are just having a few jitters. How about taking a few days "off" from wedding planning/talk. Do something for yourself: mani,pedi,massage. And then have date night with FH and just talk about life and catch up with each other. Just don't talk about the wedding and try to not fight. Maybe you two just need to reconnect. Good luck!

I've heard of many brides and grooms getting cold feet and fighting badly soon before the wedding. Many of the times its because both of you are under so much stress so close to the wedding. What about planning a weekend getaway for the two of you, no cell phones, no computers, no wedding talk, just a weekend to re-focus on the two of you...plan something near by and it doesn't have to be expensive. FH and I had a getaway only 1 hour from home and it was great to go out to dinner and talk about things not wedding related. IMO you may just need to realize why you fell in love in the first place.

Do NOT have the wedding without filing the marriage license, unless you tell your FH and you decide to do that together. That will only lead to more fighting later when he finds out. Omitting the truth is the same as lying.

Is the fighting related to wedding planning stress? I know it's easy to complain about, but like the other girls said, try to enjoy it and keep in mind that once it is over with, you never get to do it again (hopefully).

But if there are more serious, underlying issues and you know deep down this is not the right decision, you should discuss this with your FH as soon as possible.

Good luck!

Losing thousands of dollars in wedding deposits is nothing compared to what you'll lose in a divorce. I'm not saying that's definitely what will happen to you and your FH if you do go through with the wedding, but please listen to your heart and reread what you just wrote to us.

Best of luck to you either way.

Have you and FH taken Marriage Counseling? If not I recommend it, it helps. I was having similar issues a month ago, then we started counseling and it opened both mine & FH eyes up to so much. I agree with Ren DO NOT have the wedding that way, because already you are starting your marriage off on a lie. Also take sometime away from the wedding planning and see what the real issue is.

I hope it gets better.

Take a few days off of wedding planning. Relax, and try to reconnect to what it was that you loved about him when you agreed to marry him. Sit down and take a good long look at what you are facing in the future. Based on what you know from your relationship, is the future you are headed for the one you want? Getting married does not solve a problem, it only makes it bigger, so you two need to settle this NOW. Maybe look into some premarital counseling?

I would try to figure out what is behind all the fighting. Have you done any pre-martial counselling?

I would rather be out a few thousand bucks now than have a lifetime of misery either together or divorced. Remember divorce isn't cheap either.

I seriously don't think just a weekend away is going to solve this mess. You two need to straighten it out ASAP! Can you communicate with him? Can you have a calm rational discussion about your feelings? I think a third party to help you out is a great idea! Maybe you should make a list and use it as a guide line to talk it out. It just doesn't seem right that the fighting is just about planning a wedding. If you love him and he loves you then do everything in your power to make it work. I think a lot of the other women here can say that a true loving relationship doesn't have to be hard work. Just communicate and trust in it. But remember, women have a sick intuition, and you need to trust that.

As for having a wedding and no marriage license...that is such a big slap in the face of all attending and helping you out.

You need to talk with someone and get help for this situation. As others mentioned, maybe a pastor, priest, counselor, or someone else with experience can help you.

As someone who's been there:

You may think canceling a wedding is expensive, but I can assure you a divorce will be even more so. After 5 years of marriage I spent about $3000 on top of the cost of my wedding to divorce my husband (and it wasn't as ugly as it could have been).

And that's just the financial cost. The emotional cost of a divorce is even worse. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

It could just be nerves and knowing that this is a huge commitment, but DO NOT go through with the wedding if it doesn't feel right to you. I did it and I promise it's a mistake I will regret for the rest of my life.

Planning a wedding is stressful for most couples. Often times it results in people fighting over wedding related and not related issues. The main problem seems to be that you, as a couple, are not dealing with stress very well. That's certainly something that needs to be addressed. Keep in mind that conflict, yelling, and escalating IS under your control.

You need to take a very good look inside yourself and see if your fears are wedding related or not. Many people are scared of big changes, and getting married is a huge life change, even when you love the other person very much. Take a weekend off. Go somewhere where you can try to reconnect as a couple. That may give you some more insight into where your relationship is. After all, canceling the wedding is not the worst thing ever, if you decide that's the way to go.

Good luck, don't give up just yet.

It could be that the stress of the wedding is just getting to you both, or that there's some other underlying issue in the relationship that the two of you aren't dealing with directly. You should take a little break from wedding planning to talk openly and calmly about what's going on, possibly with the help of a counselor if you are having trouble communicating.

But if after that, you really don't feel like you want to get married, don't go through with the wedding just so you don't lose your deposits (or do the wedding without the actual marriage). Losing the money and having to call off the wedding would be painful, but ultimately much preferable to going through with a marriage that doesn't feel right and possibly having to go through a divorce down the line.

Good luck!

Thank you everyone for your advice and kindness. It is very difficult to determine if my feelings are solely wedding-related or if they are a result of a bigger issue. I can only say that the arguments have gotten worse the closer we get to the wedding, which may be an indication that it's the wedding causing the arguments.

But a wedding is a big life event - and it won't be the last. If we can't handle the stress of planning a wedding, how will we handle the stress of all the other overwhelming things that are bound to come our way? That's my biggest concern... and why I feel like I'm getting cold feet.

How long have you been together? Is this the first big event you're dealing with?

We've been together 3.5 years... And we've lived together for 2 years. Moving is stressful, so we've had to deal with that but yes, I would say this is the first "big event" we're dealing with as a couple (unless you consider moving, paying bills, etc, to be a big event).

I went to counseling for 9 months during and after my divorce. It was the best thing I have ever done for myself. My therapist was excellent and really helped me work through a lot of things that I didn't realize were an issue. It also helped me to understand why I made the choices I did in my life up to that point.

Seeing a therapist is not a weakness or a negative thing. I think by the time most of us are into our 20s and 30s, we have plenty to talk about.

I feel like I know myself a whole lot better. I also learned to just like the person I am, and stopped trying to be someone I wasn't and would never be. Age might have had something to do with that though too.

I don't know, you have a lot to consider, but like others said, I don't necessarily think you need to throw in the towel just yet. I just think it's worth exploring these emotions and triggers for your arguments.

Sophia, I think that both of you have to go together to apply for the marriage license. If you don't get one, you'll need to let your officiant know ahead of time (and s/he probably will not be willing to do a ceremony w/o a license).

It may just be cold feet, but I think counseling would certainly help.

Well, it could be that the stress got the best of both of you. Moving is certainly stressful, but it's kinda shorter than wedding planning. And divorce aside, moving sounds less "final", if you know what I mean. When you're not married, it's not that difficult to pack your stuff and move out.

What did your FH do when you said you didn't want to get married any more?