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Just Said Yes August 2021

Widowed father and newish girlfriend- i don't want to invite her

Jenna, on June 2, 2021 at 2:03 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 23
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My mom died about 2 years ago. My dad started dating someone casually last September. They see each other weekly, and are either thinking about getting more serious or possibly breaking up in September this year depending on how things go. One sticking point is that my dad's gf doesn't like how he prioritizes his family and she wants to be "number one." So she is giving it until September to see if she wants to deal with that.

Meanwhile, I am getting married in August. I do not want to invite her to the ceremony, but I feel guilty about it and don't know if it is the right thing to do. It will be a small wedding (50ish people) and it is compromised only of people that we know pretty well. I have never met this girlfriend. Despite living one town over and seeing my dad fairly often, I have not been invited to meet this gf or anything. So she is a stranger to me. And to make things worse, she has a "live and let live" attitude towards gays (this is a lesbian wedding) which is not the vibe I want from people attending my wedding.

My dad had told me two weeks ago that his GF doesn't care if she attends or not, so that made it easy to not extend the invite. Now he is saying he wants her to come because she wants to use the event to see how the family dynamics would be with her around.

I am at a loss about what the right thing to do is.

23 Comments

Latest activity by Jessi, on June 4, 2021 at 11:32 AM
  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
    • Flag
    If they want to see how family dynamics are with her around, they should throw a family dinner. Your wedding isn’t the place for your dads girlfriend to figure out if your family fits her plan with him. Usually I’m pro invite a SO no matter what, but if she’s already saying they might break up, I don’t know that I’d care to invite her.
    • Reply
  • Cool
    Super July 2020
    Cool ·
    • Flag
    I’m sorry for the loss of your mom. I do not think you should invite her mainly due to her not caring and your dads reason for wanting her there. Your wedding is not a social experiment. It also sounds like an inconsistent relationship and you’ve never met her.
    • Reply
  • Stacey
    Super May 2021
    Stacey ·
    • Flag

    Well, technically she should be invited. But, I totally understand where you are coming from. I guess my response to your dad would be that if he's really interested in seeing the family dynamic with her included, he should start with a dinner, or brunch, etc. It isn't really respectful to use your wedding as that platform, especially if he's showed no initiative to incorporate her into family events in the past. Frankly, it would be a distraction that isn't fair to you unless you are a willing participant. Also, if she's expressed she doesn't care either way if she comes, she's really not that invested in this relationship - your dad might need to hear that.

    • Reply
  • L
    Lady ·
    • Flag

    Invite her 100%. If she doesn't want to come, fine, but if she decides to come and be there for your dad, then great.

    • Reply
  • W
    Super September 2020
    Willow ·
    • Flag
    In this case, I would not invite her. They have mutually agreed to be in a trial period with an expiration date.


    If your dad and gf want to test out how she'll get along with your family, they can do so at a dinner or lunch or any other time.
    • Reply
  • T
    Dedicated October 2021
    Tammy ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Agree completely. He should host a family dinner.
    • Reply
  • Allie
    VIP November 2021
    Allie ·
    • Flag

    I'm going to give a different response than most others. You've never met this woman, so you don't really have a grasp of her personality yet and the things that are being said for/about her could be portrayed completely incorrectly. Unfortunately, when we become adults, our parents' priority should come off of us and be more towards their happiness as you are moving more towards finding your own happiness. Maybe she isn't so much upset with how he prioritizes you, but she's trying to figure out where she fits in and it could even be that she's upset that he hasn't invited you around yet. My mom is engaged to a man who was a widow and they started dating less than a year after his previous wife died, he had 2 kids and I know the feelings were the same until they actually sat down and met. Now his 2 kids are very much a part of our family and we really enjoy spending time with them. I don't think you can make a decision on this until you get a chance to meet her. If your dad is completely unwilling to set something up for you all to meet, then she has no business being at your wedding. If you do meet and she is everything that is being said about her, then maybe leave her off. But you could meet her and be completely wrong about her. You just won't know until you meet her and I think once you do and actually talk to her, your answer as to whether she should be invited will be more clear.

    • Reply
  • L
    Lisa ·
    • Flag
    I’m sorry for your loss Jenna.
    I agree with Sarah, your wedding is not the time or place for her to critique your family dynamics.
    Good lord, I have a visual of an uptight critic, pen in hand taking notes, while eating a finger sandwich, nose in the air looking like she smelled a fart. Let her organize a family gathering for critiquing on her own time using her own money and resources. This is a wedding, your wedding. Without guilt or apology, surround yourself with those who support you and your loved ones and who are there to celebrate your union.
    • Reply
  • A
    Expert June 2021
    Allie ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    I totally agree with Cool on this one. My condolences on the loss of your mom, and I wish you a lot of happiness in life going forward, especially with your wedding Smiley smile

    • Reply
  • P
    January 2014
    Pam ·
    • Flag

    I wouldn't invite her. You've never met her and she seems to be looking for an out on her relationship anyway.

    Not sure what's meant by a "live and let live" attitude that would be a negative. Sounds pretty sane to me, actually.

    • Reply
  • ArizonaDreaming
    Devoted September 2021
    ArizonaDreaming ·
    • Flag

    I personally would allow her to attend, but do not include her in any of your family photos. You don't know this woman and if things don't last for them, you won't have to look at your photos with her in them. Let her be his +1 and leave it be.

    • Reply
  • Jessi
    Rockstar October 2022
    Jessi ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    I think OP means that while this woman isn't going to actively harass gay people, she doesn't exactly agree with the idea of them or their relationships. And while that's not the worst stance for someone to have in their daily life I can understand why that type of person wouldn't be welcomed with open arms to a LGBT+ wedding.

    • Reply
  • Jessi
    Rockstar October 2022
    Jessi ·
    • Flag

    I agree with others that your wedding is not the place for her to scrutinize your family's dynamic. I think the advice of others to see if your dad can have a smaller get together first is the way to go. If he can't or doesn't want to then she doesn't need to be invited. I wouldn't want to go somewhere and meet a ton of people knowing that in a month I could break up with my date and have all of those people wondering what happened.

    • Reply
  • Florida Marlins
    Expert October 2017
    Florida Marlins ·
    • Flag

    As a mate of your dad's you really should invite her. She may not come, but suppose he does marry her? Awkward. I would, however, put out clear boundaries on photos - who is included and who is not included.

    • Reply
  • Judith
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    Extend the invitation. It will be up to your dad whether he brings her or not. As to her feelings on gay people, how do people come to realize that though there are differences, LGBTQ people are good people who matter in this world, if they are barred by their friends and family from attending good parties and celebrations? If you never go to places where all people are accepted, how do you change attitudes? Don't exclude people because their Vibes don't suit you. Let them come and have a good experience .
    • Reply
  • J
    Just Said Yes August 2021
    Jenna ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    Yes, that's exactly what I meant

    • Reply
  • Jessi
    Rockstar October 2022
    Jessi ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    Lol it's not her job to teach this woman that lesbians aren't terrible people by inviting her to a lesbian wedding. There's nothing wrong with OP not loving the idea of inviting someone who doesn't agree with her relationship to their WEDDING

    • Reply
  • Samantha
    VIP October 2022
    Samantha ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    THANK YOU!
    • Reply
  • Judith
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    Except that I am not white. And I do not see it as a responsibility to teach, nor a reason as they give to keep people out. Widowed father and newish girlfriend- i don't want to invite her 1
    Imagine if the worst problem with race or religion, or any other thing, was tolerance.
    • Reply
  • Cool
    Super July 2020
    Cool ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    A wedding guest should not “tolerate” the couple. They should love and celebrate them.
    • Reply

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