Why won’t he marry me?

My advice would be couples counseling. It’s clear by his actions or lack of action that you two aren’t on the same page. A neutral third party can help you both work on your communication so you can get on the same page or at least find out if you both still want the same things.

Angie, I’m so sorry to hear this. I can hear your heartbreak in your story. First I want to say that you deserve someone who not only says they love you and want to spend their life with you but shows actions that reflect this. I think you need to have a serious conversation with him about what you both want. It sounds like conversations have just been in passing. I would recommend choosing a time with limited distractions in a place where you both feel comfortable. Let him know how you are feeling and hear his thoughts. Be open to any thoughts or feelings he expresses and be honest with yours.

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I totally agree with Christina (and also Sarah). I'm so sorry to read your message, as it's clear that you are very committed to this relationship and want it to progress to marriage. I would recommend what Christina mentions as a first course of action....if that doesn't work, I would recommend couples' counseling, like Sarah mentioned.

I'm confused by your partner (seemingly) recommending getting married on the beach and then (seemingly) getting upset that you reached out to an officiant, etc. I would recommend using some of the following talking points:

- I was excited to hear that you were interested in getting married this summer on the beach, as I love you very much, and I'd really love to take the next step with you and get married. I interpreted your message (“that’s a great idea, I wonder if the facility does stuff like that”) as a green light to put out some feelers and get an idea of what it would cost. Then, I was disappointed to hear that you thought I was going behind your back, and that you didn't want to get married on the beach anymore.

- Can you please fill in the gaps for me? I think there may be some things I don't understand, and perhaps there was a miscommunication or misunderstanding. Do you still want to get married? Should we get married on the beach this summer?

Angie, if the sit-down, heart-to-heart conversation doesn't result in a mutual interest *and commitment* to set a date and move forward with planning a wedding, I would probably recommend counseling - and if that doesn't work, it might be time to re-evaluate your life goals and whether they align with his. It's clear from your message that you want to set a date and get married. It's not clear (from what you've said in the message, and from the length of the engagement so far) that he wants to get married. I'm sure he was excited to get engaged, but perhaps he has some hang-ups about actually getting married again?

Sending you hugs and wishing you a happy, healthy outcome for you!

It's been 3.5 years since engagement and no real progress. When he expressed curiousity about getting married at a specific location and even spoke with you for a couple weeks about it, he gaslighted you when you looked into prices.


This isn't a partnership. You're letting him take you along for a ride. He is not marrying you because he doesn't want to. For whatever reason, he got cold feet or was never serious about the proposal in the first place. He doesn't want to be single, and he is content to string you along.
I'd do individual therapy to sort out your feelings, get a neutral outsider's perspective, then decide if you want to do conjoint. Something tells me he' just try to win over the joint therapist to gaslight you further

I'm sorry this is happening to you! My personal opinion is that if he truly wanted to marry you, he would have. From what I read it seems like he's stringing you along. You deserve someone who is not only sure but shows you that as well.
The other commenters gave great advice! Definitely start there. Hope this helps!

Angie, my heart goes out to you.. It’s so frustrating and disappointing when our partners do not show the same level of excitement and commitment. I’ve been there.
Be strong and don’t settle for less than you deserve.

My heart hurts for you while reading this. Unfortunately some people are not serious about a commitment with someone else. They care more about power than love. It sounds like that is possibly happening here, especially since he is stringing you along with no intention of following through with plans. Seek out counseling for yourself and go from there. The right person is out there and will not behave like this.

8 years and no marriage has to be heartbreaking. So sorry about this.

Like others have said, this is a manipulation tactic. Remember it's not your fault and you didn't do anything wrong. You seem really invested in the relationship, so I would suggest having a counseling session on your own, then going back to that person as a couple.

I think counseling is your only option here if he won't tell you why he proposed years ago but refuses to set a date/plan a wedding. Maybe you need a third party to get him to communicate his real feelings to you. At a certain point though, you are going to need to decide to believe his actions instead of his words.

I’m so sorry you’re going through that, I know that must be very hurtful. As others have said, I would recommend couples counseling at the least, to help figure out your differences and where you’re not on the same page.


I think it’s also worth considering if this is someone you want to be with- I know you do want to be with him if you want to get married, but decide if getting married is a dealbreaker for you. He obviously has some kind of fear or aversion to the commitment of marriage, and I just don’t want you to get dragged along for the ride, particularly if marriage and children is something that you very strongly desire. If it is, I would be honest with him about your feelings, and telling him that you feel like he’s not serious about getting married, and that marriage is very important to you, so the relationship won’t work if you’re not on the same page. He would likely try to tell you that he wants to get married too (and gaslight you again) but I think you just have to stick to your guns and ask him for a specific timeframe. If he won’t give it (after you give him a couple days to think about it) personally I think I would call it quits- you don’t want to waste your time with someone who isn’t giving you what you need out of the relationship.
I know the second option is probably NOT what you want, as you seem very invested, so maybe couples counseling is the way to go? And you could even have the hard conversation about if you’re getting what you need out of the relationship, but in the context of counseling and trying to work it out.

I would recommend couples counseling and individual counseling. I am so sorry you're going through this rough ordeal.