Why my mom made me cry, why I stopped and how it applies to you

Several months back, my mom gave me a super early invite list scribbled down quickly from when my older sister got engaged in 2007. She told me she knows she forgot people so ask her later to update it. She doesn’t know electronics. She can’t even turn on the tv because they have cable now. So she only watches a 12 inch tv with an antenna (requires only one power button). So I have been emailing my dad stuff to show her to keep her involved (you can’t show pictures over the phone). Because, well, I’m a glutton for punishment. My dad said he was showing her. I sent him the list to revise probably 5 times in the past 3 months and heard nothing. We had a 2 year engagement but we want to send Save the Dates in January because the only decent hotel nearby has 90 hotel rooms and there is already another wedding block there and they will be expecting more. I’ve been calling my parent’s house at least twice a day, at least 5 times a week, for the past month. My dad never answers the phone even if it’s next to him. They just got caller ID and since then they haven’t answered my calls. Let’s give them the benefit of doubt and say me calling once in the morning and once in the evening was just coincidently always bad times. I gave my mom the list when I went to their house on Sunday. She said my dad never told her about any of the emails. Okay. Believable. But annoying that my dad lied.

Today she called me just before I started work. She raised her voice and full on screamed at me for 38 minutes. “You are stabbing me in the heart with this list.” “It’s not like your wedding is 2 months away.” “Why do you need it now?” (btw – I never asked for it right now. I asked to have it back by late October) “They only gave $75 for 4 people at your sister’s wedding. Why would you invite them?!” And is angry because I didn’t have on the list people who gave her her second babysitting job when she was young (note – my sisters said my parents would be contributing $5k towards the wedding but they have never mentioned anything to me and at this point, I doubt we would accept it. So it’s not like she has a financial interest in this wedding.). I was full out crying at work as my bosses were getting in and passing my desk. I feel bad for how awkward they must have felt. She just went on and on. I won’t go in depth, but it got worse from there. Then, I was silent for the last 10 minutes but said “I have to get to work”. She says in a calm voice “Well, call me after work because I want to talk about this more. I think we’re on the same page now. Do you agree? We’re on the same page?” I didn’t respond and she went on like she was the most innocent thing on this planet. I said “ok, bye.” And hung up. I posted on FB that wedding planning brings too much crying and that I need a drink (I know, it’s immature to post stuff on FB. I’m guilty). I stopped crying realizing that my mom has really lost it because she genuinely thinks she does the right thing by screaming and then switching on a dime to pretend she is sweet and caring. And this planning has brought to light how she truly feels about me and the fact I need to get her out of my life if I’m ever going to be happy and healthy.

The reason any of this applies to you? A lesson that you shouldn’t let people bring you down. I gave her the permission to make me cry. I didn’t have to answer her call. I don’t have to include her. But I did. And I cry a lot because of her. After posting the FB post my fiancé’s SIL posted that she wished she were closer so she could help me feel better and be there for me. And a friend I didn’t consider super close made plans with me to go out tonight. So I’m finding out that people actually do care about me in my life. I don’t have to let my mom talk me down saying I’m a terrible person and making me feel invisible. I’ve gone my whole life thinking no one will ever care about me. My fiancé came along and I thought he was just looney for caring about me and it’s a one in a million thing. But meeting his friends and becoming friends with them myself, meeting his family… it really has made me feel special, appreciated and that I have people who care about me. So don’t let other people continue to bring you down. You are important and you deserve to have a beautiful day where you get attention for a day. Even if you are not girly and not princessy at all!

Sorry for the long, emotional post. I wanted the brides out there who don’t have the most confidence or who are being berated by family all the time to realize that they are special and they don’t have to let certain people bring them down. That there are plenty of people out there who care about them and want them to be happy.

As always, I hate leaving posts with anyone feeling down. So enjoy a puppy picture.

AAAMMMEENNN.

Your mom sounds like my FMIL. Our last two conversations have been about her screaming at me all of the reasons why I don't deserve the dirt I walk on. She's officially out of our lives and it feels awesome.

Kathleen, I am so happy that you came to this conclusion, but I seriously think you need to see a therapist. You were abused as a child. That's why it is so hard for you to cut her out of your life. Most people may get yelled at on here, but they didn't suffer the abuse you did so it's really not the same. I think you need to stop talking to your family. They are nothing but abusive people who are crazy and they hurt you over and over. Please seek out a professional to help make this transition easier for you because it will only continue to hurt you and your FH every time you go back to them, whether it be in person or just on the phone.

Kathleen I am so sorry about what your mom puts you through. It honestly sounds like emotional abuse, especially with the cycling between screaming at you and then turning super sweet. However, you, my dear, are a champ! You handled her with grace and didn't let her see how she was succeeding at bringing you down. Keep focusing on all the positive people in your life, it sounds like you have some wonderful support from your FH and his family and your friends.

Misery loves company and it sounds like your mom is president of her local misers chapter. IF you do talk to her about this again, remind her that you are including her in the guest list planning as a courtesy at this point. We cannot choose our family, but we can certainly choose whether to include them in our lives. Keep up the positive thinking!

I'm really glad that you made the conscious decision to not allow her to steal your joy. Anytime you post something about your family I cringe because I know its going to be awful. I cannot even imagine having a family like that and it just makes me realize how lucky I am to be supported. I do agree with Melissa that you should see a counselor about this - because what you describe in your posts is abuse, and it will help to talk through all of this with someone. It sounds like you have found yourself a very loving fiance, and a family that is going to accept and love you without conditions. I think its time to cut the ties with your family, as hard as it is, and move forward with the love that your in-laws have for you. You deserve to be loved and respected, not used and abused.

Proud of you for finding peace and happiness from all of that pain and misery.

Thank you.... I needed that. I've been having difficulties with my mom ever since FH and I got engaged, well before that actually! Thank you for sharing your story and showing me that I'm not alone... and that I don't have to let ANYONE ruin our wedding day and marriage.

Kathleen Thank you for sharing. I am so sorry you are going through this. I truly wish you the best of luck and I will be praying for you and your future I know it is only Tuesday but I can't pass an opportunity to use this meme lol

Ugh. Just hugs.

My mom use to treat my dad terribly & he was the sweetest man you could meet. I completely understand what you're going through. I realized that you can't change how your parents are & the way they raised you but you can learn from it & not do the things they do. I always say I'm not going to act the way my mom used to.

Don't let her get you down.

**HUGS**

I hope everything works out.Keep your chin up! I know how it can be, and you are right even though it is hard.

Thanks, everyone. It really wasn't a "pity me" story. It was just to reach out to those brides who don't have high confidence and who have people making them think their wedding is not important.

A couple hours after I talked to my mom, my aunt texted me and said "Are you really inviting all of ____'s ex husbands to your wedding?!" I said "I didn't even know she had previous husbands...." She said "Oh, grandma told me" So it was evident my mother instantly called my grandmother and started spinning stuff to start problems in my family. Even though my mother ended the call in the sweet and innocent voice saying that we are all good. I texted my fiance and he just said "Great." I told him I was genuinely concerned that my family craziness will make him call off the wedding. He said he knew my family was crazy before he proposed and he just wants to get me away from them I told him good, I'd much rather enjoy spending my time with him than having to go on a murder spree and having to spend the rest of my life in jail, peeing in front of people. He told me he's glad I feel that way. Lol. We're a strange couple (he's out of state for work so we were just texting).

I appreciate the kind words.