Why do some in laws and family members do this?

I think your mom has good advice. I would let his family be his family. The second you say something they’ll turn on you so it’s probably best to stay out of it and keep it neutral. I have to keep my mouth shut about my brother in law. I think very little of him but it’s not my place to say stuff, as long as it’s not directly impacting me.

View Quoted Comment Exactly. When my sister was dating this guy who was obviously using her, I told her and it almost created a rift. Funny enough, he did use her and ended up dating someone else. It’s good to keep quiet.


I also just learned to never be in a room alone with my sister in law, mother in law or BOTH bc that’s when they ask ME the personal questions bc they both know my husband would shut them down (like I’d reveal anything to them lol)

View Quoted Comment Yes, sometimes you just have to let someone learn the hard way. If you’ve kindly told them your feelings and they make their choices, hopefully they won’t do it again. And if they do it’s not on you.

It sounds like that family has long-established traditions and "rules" and ways of behaving. I know this is easier said than done, but I would try hard not to take it personally. They have been this way for a long time and don't appear to be changing any time soon. It's not about you. I also don't think you can generalize that this is a woman vs. man thing; this is just how this particular family works.

I would follow your husband's lead for how much interaction you have with them as a whole or as individuals. But it's definitely fine for you to stay home from family gatherings if you don't feel comfortable. He can attend alone.

My family is the same way. Someone gets kicked out for a while, then they pretend it never happened, and wait for someone else to violate the unwritten rules of the family.

I knew my mother was angling to kick me out, so I just ... removed myself. And I won't go back.

I wouldn't push your husband to withdraw, but I would point out the damage they do to each other... and maybe you could go to couple's counseling. It could help you decide what's best in supporting each other and dealing with families.

This behavior is generally not acceptable in society. The reason they get away with this garbage is because they have created their own cult of family. Every newcomer experiences all of the family vs. them, with their loved one and their children leverage the family uses. The rules are arbitrary. People enjoy hurting others for the power it gives them. Living close and spending so much time together they are each other's main friend group, and pass this hateful misery through generations.
... My Hubby has 12 siblings, all but 2 and us us settled near parents and a slew of cousins, More than 100 relatives within 15 minutes, 5 aunts and uncles I parents' neighborhood. (at the time we married.) Since then, 4 families have started at marriage moving near us, 4-6 hours north. And I have 9 siblings, parents families large, many close together, many scattered. But together, all family gets along. There is none of this playing with people's lives, making people bend to mind games, power plays. The strength of the families through the 4 generations I know is about acceptance, helpfulness. Happy families, with a few oddballs, but any occasional situation of some not treating other well is immediately noticed by the group, and called out. Niceness rules. No one is rich as long as someone is in need. No jealousies, spitefulness, favoritism. Make a deal with your FI to separate from his family. Tell them no news, share nothing on media where they, or friends who report to them, will see it. Just get off media, and messenger completely. Use personal email to contact friends, individually. No groups, no blasts in email. Their guns do not work without ammunition. Settle at least 30 min to 2 hours away. And agree on a set number of visits a year, max. Like 4-6. Or less. Set an example for your children that you are nice and supportive of each other, and friends, and never mean. Be nice, or no contact, rules for his family. Cut off anyone not nice. When asked why you do not visit, tell them straight out, in person or by letter, that the meanness, favoritism etc. is out of bounds in the family of you and FI. Not tolerated. That some in the family are poisonous, and you are killing the poisonous stuff before it spreads further.
This is the place it stops. If FI won't agree to this, he prefers them and their ways to you. Wave goodbye. If he will put you and any family you have first in his priorities, he is a keeper. Your relationship will not last long without withering or tearing each other apart, if you do not do this. There may be individuals who gravitate to you, and will be nice. Spend time with them. Make an effort to become friends with nice, normal people. Go the extra steps to make a friend group that will give you the happiness you miss due to having to separate from his family. ...... My first husband's mother was vicious , sneaky, deliberately invading privacy, ruining anything she could not dominate and control. Cutting her off , was the best thing. Husband blossomed, in self esteem, became more relaxed and happy, everyone noticed. He kept up with his Dad, and his sister, til his ( my 1st husband's death.) Never saw mom again since before our wedding. His sister cut out mom a month after we did, never introduced her new boyfriend. What a relief.My youngest sister had a miserable MIL. Husband agreed to limit contact , then would talk to this one and that, and set his mom off. He could not put himself or his wife out of reach. Their divorce was sad but predictable. ....It is within your control. Set boundaries now. I wish you strength and happiness.

Your mom is right, and the PPs have good insight, too. Set boundaries to protect the family the two of you are creating from the unnecessary drama, but, as my grandma always said, you can't keep people from people - so make sure you aren't coming across as giving an ultimatum or trying to distance him from the people he loves. Often it isn't that we can't acknowledge the flaws, it's just that the love is there despite those flaws. It doesn't mean you have to give in or be part of it, either. For your sanity and your future, agree to some boundaries and keep your head up. The two of you will be fine

As long as your husband realizes how toxic a lot of those relationships are, which it sounds like he does, it's probably best for you to just limit your interactions with your husband's family as much as you can without making your him feel like he's losing something. Your mom is right that you shouldn't say anything to them, but it's okay to talk about them with your husband. If the two of you can agree on what appropriate boundaries are (discuss specific things that you don't want to share with them before you see them so you know you're on the same page) it will be a lot easier to avoid getting sucked into the drama. You can't change who they are, but you can limit their ability to hurt you.

View Quoted Comment I appreciate what you said about how it’s the family’s way of how they behave and operate. Thanks for the enlightenment. I don’t necessarily agree with it but you’re right, I shouldn’t take it personal. Thank you!

View Quoted Comment Oh wow, I’m sorry to hear that. Interesting what you’ve said with the first few sentences. My husband’s sister got into it with her cousin- the oldest cousin aka the favorite. The oldest cousin brought along her two sick kids to meet her new born. Their grandmother had a lip infection thing and was kissing the baby all over. I don’t particularly get along well with husband’s sister but I did stand with her on that issue. Sick kids with a newborn? Grandma with possibly hpv? Yuck. They got into it when she established boundaries. They avoided each other for a while. Oldest cousin called her one day to say that needed to show up at family parties bc it looks bad (not like the rest of the family doesn’t know since they all gossip). A year later it’s all good. Husband’s sister is back at it with sucking up to her grandma and oldest cousin. Families are weird.

OH. MY. GOSH.

My Fiance's family is SO similar! I come from a military family, so although we are very close, everyone is too busy in their own lives to wonder what everyone else is doing. My fiance's family is VERY nosy. They expect us to live where they do (all on the same road) and always go on vacations with them. When I mentioned going back to school his mom and sister asked me a lot of questions then his sister paused her life to go back to school. This gets under my skin SO bad!! He is the youngest cousin and they always make jokes about us having kids before the wedding and having to live with his mom. They're just rude sometimes. They have honestly pushed me more to move away to continue my education.

However, I have learned to just take it in strides. I know what I want in life, and my Fiance and I have a plan that we came up with together and plan to follow. We know that WE are in control of how our life goes. And, quite frankly, I can't wait to finish college and watch them all eat crow when we come in to visit.

Best of luck honey, I know how hard it can be.