Who’s walking me down the aisle?

I'm not going to pull punches. From the little bit of the story you provided, your father is being emotionally abusive to you mother. That could be why you feel uncomfortable around him. Or maybe because he's been manipulative with you too? I'm sure there is much more to the story and I'm guessing it doesn't make him look any better. With his behavior over the last several years, he's lucky he's even invited AND being offered the dance with you. He really shouldn't push things.

You need to do what makes you and your FH happy and comfortable on your wedding day. It doesn't sound like you with feel either if your father walks you. Talk to your FH about how your feeling. He's going to have a different view than anyone here since he's more familiar with the details. But, in my opinion, as an internet stranger and someone who has been in your mother's shoes, do what will make you happy, which sounds like your brothers. I wish you and your family all the best and hope your wedding day is everything you dream it will be!

I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about. Your dad has put your family through a lot of turmoil and you had to deal with the effects of his behavior which I'm sure was very difficult. The fact that he keeps leaving and coming back must keep you all on edge wondering when he's going to leave again. Your dad sounds very manipulative. No one deserves that. You asked your brothers for a reason. I hope you can find a way to feel comfortable with that decision and enjoy your special day. I hope your mom finds the strength to stop taking him back. She deserves better!

He should be happy his sons, your brothers, and you, have such a close bond. If he does not want to do a spotlight dance, and just wants to dance with you during general dancing, you could ask him to make a 1-2 minute speech and toast at the reception. . . . Often parental break-ups after a long marriage are very emotional and messy. It is hard for many grown kids to separate out the different elements. The divorce was about his relationship with your mother. And you have no idea of the inner workings of their marriage all those years. But that does not mean he does not totally love his kids. . . And though you are angry about the "other woman" , you have no idea , your father may have considered parts of his relationship with your mom intolerable for years. And only stayed as long as he did, out of love for you kids, so you would have more years as a complete family. Yet you put all the fault with him, not your mom, though clearly he would not have had a long affair or ever left if things with mom were so wonderful. . . . I would say, you need to look at things with an eye to the future. Keep your plan to have your brothers as escorts down the aisle. But if not dancing, then do find another way to say, you are important, too, to your dad. Will you have children? Do you want him to be an active and involved grandfather with any kids you have, totally separate from whether he and mom ever live together again? If so, let him know that. That and asking him to toast your happy future, and at the wedding, only talking of the years and years of good times between dad and you kids ( leaving out mother), could be a big step toward having a lifelong good relationship with each of them, though they may never live together again. . . I know so many people in their 20's and 30's who are married for a period of years, to outsiders seeming happy, then for many very good reasons, they divorce. And they get angry that their parents keep trying to push them back together again, and will not accept their children's new SO, maybe reject every one and their next spouse. And those adults keep telling their parents how unfair it is to base everything on the parents feelings marriages are forever, when they do not know and should not know, all the private details that were very good reason to split up, divorce, and each have a chance if a clean slate to start their life with new people, or however they choose. . But here, the situation is flipped. You do not want your father to be able to move on as he was ready to do when he started this affair years ago. And while I understand it, I think now you might want to say, what happened is past. I will never know my parents marriage from the inside. So I am just going to start from here. I love them both, whether they see each other, or move on and at some point have new partners. And clear that bad feeling and put it in a box labeled, old business, and start a folder in your mind and life, with room for only new and current relations with each parent.

I would stick to your brothers who knows if your dad will be around or even show up. He's a flight risk!!

He’s absolutely right- walking you down the aisle is a father’s job, but from what you said, he hasn’t been much of a father. People who are emotionally abusive are great at manipulating situations to make us feel guilty. I’m in a similar situation with my dad. He’s not invited to the wedding and my grams is walking me, since she was the true parent figure in my life. Do I feel guilt over it? Yes. My FSIL’s wedding was this past weekend and i cried as her dad walked her down the aisle and I bawled during the father daughter dance because I know I won’t have that. You have been kind enough to allow him a father daughter dance after what he put your mother and you through and he should be thankful for that. Don’t let him try to control your moment - it’s time for him to suck it up.
Stick to your guns girl - and know there are people who know exactly what you’re going through. Hugs ❤️

Absolutely agree with pp.

In general, whether parents are divorced or have problems, should not affect daughter’s decision on who is walking her down the aisle. But in your case, your dad is being a j*rk (sorry for being so blunt). He doesn’t deserve this honor, because of his heartless, emotionally abusive & manipulative behavior. I would tell him how I feel about what he did (repeatedly) & how that affects the way you feel & that you are uncomfortable with him walking you. You should not feel guilty & you should not just “suck it up”. Do what makes you comfortable & happy.

The person who walks you down the aisle (unless you prefer to walk alone or with FH, which many do) should be parent / family member with whom you are close & who has been there for you throughout your whole life. This should never be based just on gender.

My sister and I have different Dads and hers left her when she was two years old and then came back into her life after she was 18 and a legal adult, so for her wedding she had our two brothers walk her down the aisle but still did the father daughter dance with her Dad. If that's an option you may be interested in.

I feel that you should allow your brothers to walk you down the aisle. Based on information you have given... Your father didn't have any sympathy for your mom nor his children whenever he decided to make a mess out of their marriage. If your brothers were thrilled and they have been there for you- It only makes sense to have your brothers walk you down the aisle. and IF you feel like your father should be honored to dance the father daughter dance with you- then let him do that. But, in the end this is your decision a hard decision and I am sure you will make the right call. My sympathy goes out to you and your mom. Seems like you had to pick her up many times. Thank God she is still here and going.

View Quoted Comment Thank you so much, I think you’re right. We need to do what will make us happy and comfortable and not makes a decision out of guilt and tradition. I think I know the right answer I just need to make peace with it and stop stressing!

View Quoted Comment She does deserve better!! Thank you so much for your input ❤️

View Quoted Comment Thank you 🙏🏼 I do need to get past it. I agree that he can take pride in knowing how close his children are and that we supported our mother and each other through this mess.

View Quoted Comment Thank you so much, I’m so sorry to hear of your situation. I hope you have a wonderful wedding and your day is filled with love and happiness with the people who are truly there for you. I guess that’s all we can do, find the people with pure love for you and hold them tight, forget the rest. Best wishes ❤️

View Quoted Comment Thank you!! The blunt speak is what I need, I have a tendency to get wishy washy with these types of situations, I always see both sides and it muddles my own thoughts ❤️❤️❤️

View Quoted Comment I think that’s what I’ll do, thank you!

View Quoted Comment You’re so right, thank you so much. You have no idea how much I appreciate the input! I’m endlessly thankful that my mom is still here too, she is a wonderful person.

View Quoted Comment True, thank you!

Stick to your decision. Please do not let him guilt trip you into changing your mind. He didn't just walk out on your mom, he walked out on you too. Based on his behavior, he does not deserve to walk anyone down the aisle. Walking your daughter down the aisle is a privilege, not a right.

View Quoted Comment I completely agree. What do you think about my brothers walking me halfway and my dad walking the rest??

View Quoted Comment

That could totally work if you like the idea!