Who chooses the Officiant at the wedding - daughers parents paying for everything except rehearsal dinner

Unfortunately, when other people are paying, that money may come with strings. Your options are either to do what they ask, try to discuss it with them, or pay for things yourself.

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Thanks Hannah

Hannah’s on point- you also have tie option of not having a rehearsal dinner. The rehearsal dinner is totally optional. Still have your rehearsal but you could either not have a dinner or just order some pizza, have a BBQ etc at your place. It’s unfortunate that people think they can control you by using their $$$.

I agree with Michelle and would opt out of a big rehearsal dinner. I would have pizza with the wedding party. It’s crazy they are only paying for the rehearsal dinner and that demanding. The whole ceremony is essentially the officiant so you should have someone you want and are comfortable with. What does your fiancé think?

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He is pissed about it but wants to compromise but I am afraid if we compromise then they will try to control other things like they always do

View Quoted Comment My FILs were kind of like this but maybe less demanding. We told them if they wanted the perfect wedding they should get married again or pay for the entire thing and we’ll do whatever they want. It took a lot of conversations between the fiancé and I behind the scene (not in front of them) to get on the same page but we did. Until we were on the same page, we didn’t talk about the wedding to them. We also booked our vendors with signed contracts and deposits and told them only after. Since they are paying for the rehearsal dinner, we are letting them have full control over that.

I disagree with PPs that if the in-laws contribute to the rehearsal dinner, they have a say in who the officiant is. Your parents are paying too, what happens if they insist they want a specific officiant?


Easiest thing is to decline the money and have your FI tell his parents he's disappointed in their actions.

It should be whoever is paying. Of course you can do research and make suggestions.

I also disagree with PP. Just because someone contributes to your wedding, doesn’t mean they get to make big decisions for your wedding.


We had problems with my mom involving this. She’s paying half of our venue cost, and insisted we have several flower girls and ring bearers. After trying to compromise, and her being stubborn and not satisfied, we decided to go with our original plan and not have any.
We just called her and told her: “We really appreciate your contribution to our wedding, and we’re grateful for the help. But we’ve tried to compromise with you, and you cannot be satisfied. We’re going with what we want and what we feel is right for OUR wedding.”
I also think that if you allow them to make this decision, there’s a good chance they’ll use money again to make another decision. If sitting them down and talking doesn’t work, then I’d suggest opting out of a grand rehearsal dinner, and doing something casual that you and your FH can afford.

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My thought s exactly thank you so much

I would absolutely decline their offer to pay for the rehearsal dinner and choose my own officiant. They are being very clear about the terms of accepting their money, so I think your decision should be an easy one.

By the way, it doesn't really matter if anyone thinks money gifts should come with strings or not. This money absolutely comes with strings, so there's nothing to do but refuse it.

The couple picks their officiant. That is childish to use that as punishment to get their way. Order pizzas and have them delivered or pick up a few at Costco and don't allow them any say. Set up boundaries and maintain them together. Say no as often as you have to because if you allow this bullying, they will push your limits knowing they have control over you by dictating your future life choices for you: how many kids to have and when, where you will live, etc.

Some things go to those who pay, like specific guests ( in reasonable number), or menu items, decorations. Party details . But never, even if they pay 100% and gi e you a year salary, can they buy some things. The couple marrying always choose the general nature of their reception and ceremony, as in destination, beach, formal ball. The religious content of the ceremony, if any, and who will officiate, is solely your decision. You choose all details of the wedding party, who and generally how they will be dressrd. And your choices for clothing. Those are non-negotiable. If the threaten to withhold rehearsal dinner money, be prepared to tell them that you will pay. Or that you were only having one to please them, and do not need to have one at all. ... Something that may help, depending how you feel. My hubby was raised Roman Catholic, and is a middle child. the 6 marrying ahead of him or engaged, all married a person from their local area, all RC, in one of two family parishes. Hi by has not agreed with the church for many years. But parent assumed, because I jave no religion, I would have no issues with being Catholic. Well I am religious, just not a Christian religion. We went to the family priest, explained that neither of us believe in the church's teachings, and we would not stand up before God and man and lie about it, to make family happy. We know people who are Baptist, Jewish, Saints, and Lutherans, and Anglicans, who have gone directly to the clergy. Every time they say, in that case, I cannot marry you. ... If you just want your own minister, it is different. But if you don't want the full religious wedding, having the clergy say NO, sorry, to the parents, takes a little of the wind out of their sails. Either way, your marriage is the beginning of your new family, and you need to establish boundaries for your parents. Some things do not matter life long, give pn those. But your degree and type of religious observance or personal moral decisions are not something to compromise on.