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Beginner February 2020

When is it okay to ask someone to go away?

Emma, on June 19, 2019 at 8:08 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 15

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I am having an issue with my partners best man. Now this person has been a good friend and has helped us in times of need. Because of this I don't want to cut ties or damage the friendship.

A little background information: We have recently finished a 14 month lease term with this person. When the lease came up for renewal we informed the best man that we would be looking for other housing options without him. This was partially because his living habits clashed with ours and it was just time for us to live alone since we have had roommates our entire relationship. The best man seemed fine with this. However he also seemed very unmotivated to find a place of his own. I sent him several apartment listings to get the ball rolling for him so he could stay close by with the intent that he and my partner could hang out at HIS new apartment. Instead of getting his own apartment he moved in with his parents who live several hours away.

Now he lives several hours away and got a summer job at the college in that town. No problem right? The issue is he continously calls off work and makes excuses to come back and stay with us. He also doesn't even try to respect our living habits (not taking his shoes off, wanting to come in and out all hours, ect) even though he doesn't live here. My partner and I have had many conversations about just wanting time away from the best man to enjoy some alone time together. In the end the best man doesn't take no for an answer and will just show up. This person can also be quite dramatic if things don't his way. We feel like we have no choice but to accommodate him whenever he shows up out of fear of him pulling out of the wedding.

Does anyone have any experience or insight on ways to ask this person to just leave us alone without making it seem like its a personal issue with him?

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15 Comments

Latest activity by Emma, on June 22, 2019 at 1:26 PM

VIP July 2017
Becky · on June 19, 2019 at 8:42 PM
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Does he still have a key? If yes, change the locks - he doesn't need to feel like he still has free run of the place.
Does he call and ask if it's convenient? If yes, tell him no. If no, when he shows up, you're super busy and can't have someone in the house.
Unfortunately, I don't know that subtlety is going to work, and being up front may end with hurt feelings, so you may have to just leave things alone if you don't want hurt feelings
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Beginner February 2020
Emma · on June 19, 2019 at 8:49 PM
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This is a new place that we live at so he does not have a key. However he knows my partner works from home M-F 1pm-9pm so its almost guaranteed that he will be home. It really does seem like we may just have to just let it slide but it definitely puts strain on my relationship since we can never truly get a moment alone.
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Master June 2020
Anna · on June 19, 2019 at 8:59 PM
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Oh, dear.
I guess he thinks of both of you as sort of family now that you have lived together.
He has found a comfort level with both of y'all , and he may be lonely.

I'd have your fiancee talk to him alone. Man to man. Make an effort to keep in touch maybe double date. Just set up a time in advance and say you are spending quality time together, so please call in advance if you don't have previous scheduled plans.

He will understand when he's in a serious relationship❤ I think he's depressed and/or lonely.
Change is difficult. He just needs a nudge
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Beginner February 2020
Emma · on June 19, 2019 at 9:27 PM
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I guess I didn't think of it this way. It makes it a little more tolerable to just think of him as an annoying family member. I guess I will just need to review my house rules with him to make his visits less stressful.

He has always been a great friend and actually the person who introduced me to my partner. so if its more that hes lonely or depressed I would
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Beginner February 2020
Emma · on June 19, 2019 at 9:29 PM
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Rather have him here
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Master June 2020
Anna · on June 19, 2019 at 9:51 PM
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I think he misses the two of you. Fix him up with one of your friends. You know how you feel when you go home to your parents house? That's how he feels with you two. He feels safe and "home" it's kinda sweet...annoying at times, but sweet
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Dedicated November 2020
Gabriela · on June 19, 2019 at 10:59 PM
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It sounds like he’s lonely. Does he have their friends outside of your guys. I have had similar friends experience this because it was usually just them three for a long time then two of them got in a relationship so he was just desperate to keep his friends. I would have a talk with him and tell him if he’s okay that he needs to be there all the time but try to be soft with him. Maybe remind him that you guys are going to be married and you’re growing up and need space.
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Dedicated September 2021
Holly · on June 21, 2019 at 12:52 PM
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Reading all the other reviews after I drafted my response made me seem cold and heartless so here goes:
Set up a weekly thing where you all meet and go over the weeks events someplace neutral. It gives him something to look forward to without being in your home or overstaying a welcome. It isn't you or your FH's responsibility to manage his emotions/control how he reacts to things. You should be very straightforward with him and let him know that you are starting a new chapter in your lives. It doesn't change the friendship, and chances are the bond is strong enough not to cause a rift or drifting apart. He may not realize he is being intrusive, but maybe he does. He may be hurt and angry, but that is necessary for the outcome you are seeking. Both of you should express that you care deeply for him and you are incredibly happy that he will be in the wedding but the marriage will include you and FH only. He will still be a major part of your lives but does not need to be under your feet all the time.
*That may have still come off more harsh than intended! Good luck!
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Expert June 2019
MrsJohansson · on June 21, 2019 at 6:10 PM
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I would stay out of it... It was a bit of an overstep by you to be giving him apartment listings. I know you two will be married but you sound like the only one with the problem with him.. you are pushing things onto this guy for him to do, complaining about he is in your house, taking up too much of your private time.. is there a reason your FH has not dealt with this himself? Assuming he feels to the same degree as you do 🤷‍♀️ I would reconsider trying to ban him from your home, FH will resent you eventually for that.

The guy is obviously lonely and sounds like he has a limited social circle. Have FH have a private convo between the two of them which clearly expresses both of your wishes. Outline rules and boundaries. Have FH take him out to social events with a common interest. Have FH, not you, help him meet other people.
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Beginner February 2020
Emma · on June 21, 2019 at 6:37 PM
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It is perfectly my place to send apartment listings to a friend who I know is having issues getting out there and looking for themselves. I was friends with the best man before I even met my partner so I do have a relationship and bond with this person outside of my partner. I have talked to my partner in depth and he agrees with me about needing space from the best man. However we are not trying to "ban" the best man from visiting our home but set boundaries that he is obviously over stepping and aware that he is over stepping. I had talked to the best man previously about needing space and time to settle into my home with my partner personally and would never force my partner to have a confrontational conversation with a friend. There is no reason for a grown adult to call off work and drive 4+ hours three times a week with little to no notice to crash at my house which is what I have issues with. I posted this because we are unsure how to approach the situation without coming off as not wanting him around after already addressing the issue in what I thought was a nice way.

Your response was extremely unhelpful and quite judgemental.
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Beginner February 2020
Emma · on June 21, 2019 at 7:10 PM
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I guess the main issue is he is now a few hours away from us and will just show up out of nowhere. Your idea of requiring plans to be made will probably be the best way of limiting the random pop ups. I still see him wanting to spend the night whenever he shows up but at least this way I won't be blind sided by him. I'm sure when he finds an apartment close to us his visits will feel less intrusive since he will have his own place to go back to at night.
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Beginner February 2020
Emma · on June 21, 2019 at 7:18 PM
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He does have friends outside of us but I think it's safe to say we are his favorite. We do want him to be close by and he knows that so I'm not sure if he is worried about losing us as friends or if he is just bored after moving back in with his parents. He, my partner, and I play video games while he is away so even though hes several hours away we all still talk daily.
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Master 0000
Judith · on June 22, 2019 at 2:41 AM
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I think your idea of setting a day in the week, or maybe every 2 weeks, when you as a couple, or FI as his friend, invite him over, but make it clear that the rest of the time you need to do other things, including sometimes just be alone, is important. And enough visits. FI needs to not be intimidated by the fuss this guy might make, and nicely but quite firmly tell him, no more. Set boundaries now. He has had separation time, but now, cut the cord. Go to a longer time between visits, but plan some friend time.
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Expert June 2019
MrsJohansson · on June 22, 2019 at 3:41 AM
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And I found your OP to be come off as really mean toward the best man, that you don't want him around and me me me. "I'm' having an issue". Not 'we' in the opening line. "I sent him several apartment listings to get the ball rolling for him so he could stay close by with the intent that he and my partner could hang out at HIS new apartment." The point was not that you don't have the right to do it but that in combo with the complaining about shoes and so on you sound like you are trying to ban him. People provide advice based on you write and that is my perspective based on what you wrote.

It's perfectly OK to want space and necessary but it's not judgmental to outline what your role is in this so both of you can stop it. you and or your FH have enabled him. Does he have a key to your current house? Is there caller ID? Why is he getting so much latitude? Someone can still be the best man and boundaries be created and enforced. I still stand by that you need to stay out of some things and let FH handle some things with this person. You have talked with the best man and it seems to be a problem still. So how would it be confrontational for FH to do it? In the same way that you did it? The idea was that maybe the friend would listen to FH more than you and take it better.

This doesn't require a lot of thought and easily solved.. sweeten him up by telling him how much he means to you both but that you will all have to dial back the visits. No unannounced visits, and whatever your other issues are. Plain and simple. If he ignores them, don't let him in. And honestly, if he is taking off work just to come and see you guys the way you describe then maybe he is having a mental health issue and you need to consider that. Be sensitive but firm.
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Beginner February 2020
Emma · on June 22, 2019 at 1:26 PM
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My point was this person is my friend so I don't need to have my partner do everything to buffer the behavior. When I approached him about it I let him know we needed space and time to settle in which was well received. I tend to be a bit more sensitive to him than my partner is who told him he would be banned from our place if he forgot to take his shoes off again. So anything between them is going to be a little confrontational when it comes to this. I sent him apartment listings so he could be close to us not and we didn't always have to be in my home.

If you read anyone else's replies to my post you would have seen me responding to them about how i plan to use their advice by trying to plan things out so that he doesn't feel like he needs to randomly show up. He just moved in with his parents which is probably extremely boring after living with two of your best friends for over a year.

Your idea of my "role" is sexist assuming that I need to "stay in my place" and have my partner handle a situation with someone who is very much both of our friend because they are both male. Its an extremely outdated view which is why I called you judgmental.
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