What would you do? Skip brother's wedding or no?

I should also note this is her 2nd wedding & my brothers 1st. This is not the brother we know & we are devastated by his actions.

Also, my brother did tell me I could "excuse myself & my daughter from the wedding if we didn't like their plans" for the hair.

Wow. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Everyone deals with family and family issues differently...They probably think you won't back out because this is your brother's wedding but if I were in your situation, I personally wouldn't go.

Wow, what jerks. I'm sorry your family is dealing with this. Normally, I would say don't go, but maybe you should just to be there for your mom. She's going to need support and kind people to get through a day with those two.

Just go get your hair done at 8 and then do your daughters hair yourself at noon.

I’d go to support your mom as a PP said and so you can be the bigger person and they can’t hold you not going against you. But once the wedding is over, I would seriously distance myself from your brother and his soon to be wife.

I think it'd be okay to not go, but I would put on a poker face and attend anyway for the sake of your mom. I'm sorry you're having to go through this!

Sounds kinda like you dont wanna go. Just know it'll probably be a line in the same for them....which is fine.. Maybe another season in life everyone can really be cool with each other and the bonds stronger. A special moment like a wedding is too important to have weird vibes there. Don't stress it don't go

(No shade in my response tone)

If you haven't already I would talk to your brother about why you don't want the 8am appointment and if he doesn't get it then tell him that neither of you will be in the wedding but you intend on being at the ceremony

I’d go to the ceremony. Put on a poker face and then leave after. Personally my brother and I have a very close relationship so I can’t imagine missing a major event like this for anything. Even if him and his soon to be wife were being awful. But I wouldn’t go to the reception and I’d probably tell them I wouldn’t want to be a “candle lighter” (whatever that is).

I would just reschedule hair and bring your daughter to get hers done at a later time more convenient for her. For the rest of it sounds to me like your brother is about to marry someone he clearly loves and cares about to put you and your family in these positions. I’m sure she is saying things that bother her to him as well.. for example for him to say he doesn’t want you on the party bus...i don’t know if you would be happy to be there anyway and maybe they can feel the tension between you guys I mean I think it would be hard to miss. And your mom paying is just her wanting your brother happy because she does not have to do that. All I’m saying is I understand you do not like her and she changed your brother, I have a brother to who I am extremely close with and he is also with a girl I am not so fond of BUT i know he loves her dearly. I know his girlfriend and I think differently and my mom may know I don’t like her but I don’t let it bother me like that. He is doing him and I think everyone has to adjust. I think in your soon to be sister in laws eyes she may feel hated and reacting to it and that is causing a chain reaction to your brother acting the way he is because he would do anything for her and building his own family now not saying your does not matter!!! But could be wrong ! I think you should go to his wedding.

I meant I could be wrong with the whole thing not that your family doesn’t matter because he obviously loves you all doesn’t seem to show it but he does!

I agree with the fiance' that 12:00 is too late for you and your daughter to be getting hair done if you have to be at the lake to take pics at 130. You still have to get dressed and go to the lake and your hair may not be finished in time. And truthfully if your hair appt is that early and you are not in the same city you need to get a hotel room. But the way she went about it is wrong. But with everything else you said I personally would not go after my brother told me he would have security to escort me out. And I would cut him off until he came to me personally explained his actions and gave me a sincere apology. People only treat you the way you allow them to

If you do go, get a mid-morning appointment at a regular hair salon, near you or on the way to the wedding, and plan to arrive at the lake for pictures at 1:15, 15 minutes before showtime. . . . All this trouble about things that are totally unnecessary. Unless you are a lot further into rural America than we are ( like in a desert or an island) it has never been necessary for all of the bridal party to take turns with one hair dresser who comes to the wedding site. That is the fad for celebrity treatment, and a bridal entourage. The traditional way that has worked for a century or so before reality TV and the internet got hold if weddings, was people getting ready in ones and twos at separate locations, all at the same time, not all taking turns planned around the queen Bee's schedule. To preserve your family, just don't schedule things that are dependent on one another. Planning a family vacation? Locate where you want to go and reserve it. Find a place very close, send them info: if you want to vacation here, with us here at the same time, this place is available. Call them to reserve and make payments if you are interested. So, they come, they don't, neither if you will crash the other's plans. Never plan a surprise, or plan something like massages, where you expect a share to be paid. Or where you are stuck paying anyway if they do not show. You tried being nice, and it did not work. That does not mean turning around and boycotting them and creating more nastiness will help, though I understand why that would feel satisfying. This crap makes me angry too.
Down the line brother may realize her nature of doing things is immature and self centered. But for now, so you do not lose your brother in the interim, and to model for your daughter the idea that family togetherness takes a positive effort, but is worth it: plan a parallel universe in anything that involves each other. You do your part, arrive ready. They plan anything related to them. You meet at a location ( wedding, vacation, baptism, graduation) having each taken care of your own expenses, advance planning, grooming and transportation. Take the friction if your inability to plan anything with each other, out of each activity. That way you will not always feel set up and frustrated. This wedding means a lot to your mom, who put it together, and your brother ( when he regains his senses , or when he gets divorced, whatever comes first) is your brother, and could be your daughter's favorite uncle in time.
They are acting like teenagers, not adults. Very self focused, confusing self interest and bitchiness with confident and intelligent decision making . But most parents get through their teens bad rebellious and disrespectful years best if they simply avoid conflict, but neither cut off contact not actively fight. And if you want to wait it out, your brother will get over this and mature. Get through a couple years by simply being civil, never planning anything dependent on them, but leaving the door open. Down the line, you, sisters, brother, and your daughter, and most of all your mother, will be glad you did. Whether or not this FSIL gets with the program, avoid any situation where brother has to take sides for a few years. Without blowing up your family. He likely thinks he is now putting his future wife first, before his family, as he is supposed to when he married. He never read the fine print, that he should support his wife first whenever she is being reasonable, over family when they are being unreasonable.
Not all the time, no matter how badly she behaves.

Added, I agree with you she is the source of the problems, and you have my sympathy.
But one thing I think you should take off your grievance list: their saying no to vacationing with you so they could plan their wedding, then taking a vacation at that time. Our best, most productive wedding planning was done on a few 3 day and 1 week vacation times. No interference of work, family, friends calling, dropping by, inviting us to do things. No housework, no hobbies. Never around anyone who would offer an opinion which we frankly, did not need or want. Talking over a restaurant table for hours, walking place to place together, picking up where we left off, having thought things through. No distractions but being undisturbed and in love. We had a month engagement, with many weekends taken up by other people's weddings, and still finished every last detail by 3 weeks ahead, except last RSVP's, which my mom took over. They likely would not have been able to do that, without any opinions from others, on vacation with you. That one thing may have been a positive thing for them, not intended to be rude to you. Lot of brides here positively cry out for their FI and them to set aside time not working, playing, or with any distractions, to get hours and hours of planning done for several days in a row. . . . . The other stuff, unnecessarily unpleasant on their part . Hang in there .

Are you prepared to lose your brother over this spat with his fiance? I wouldn't want to go either, and he is also treating you very poorly, but if you don't go to the wedding he may never forgive you. He may never care to see your side, only that you weren't there for him when he asked you to be.

If it were me, I would do everything the fiance asked for (even though it sucks). The wedding is 1 week away and it's too late to be changing around appointments and timelines, that does cause a lot of stress on the bridal party just for the unknown. It is their wedding, and when you and your daughter accepted the invite to be in it, you also accepted this journey... no matter how rough. Go, support your mom, don't give your brother or his fiance fuel to hold against you. After the wedding... I would take a long and hard look at your future relationship with your brother. They sound like a toxic couple, I would distance myself away politely.

If he get her hair done at that time let my child be herself because I'd be dammed if I'm going to yell at her until 1:30 from 8:30 am to meet her hair perfect. When her hair isn't what the bride expected it to be so those hours later karma will be payback enough. Also it sounds like she is awful I would go just for your mom and to watch you know things aren't going to go her way. Be there for your mom as a stress relief but also to watch as the universe let's you have a great view for the karma for being horrible. 12:30 is to late the candle lighting is Bill crap job she didn't want you in the wedding your brother did it's his way of getting you in the wedding when she was fighting against it.

I would attend for the sake of my mom, but I would also be encouraging everyone to stop supporting them financially. Your brother will need the money for a divorce lawyer

As a mom, I would appreciate you attending, but at the same time be absolutely furious at the way they were treating you! I would not be happy at all. I’m sure this negative family energy is felt by your bro on some level - not a good vibe to start a new life with someone- ugh. Agree with others to keep your distance for your peace of mind going forward. Good luck sweetie!

I wouldnt go.. They treated yall very badly she is inconsiderate you have a 5yr old yall could of gotten a later appt cuz 8am for a 4pm the baby hair is a mess who is gonna fix it not her selfish self... And i feel like she is wrong and so is your brother... I understand cuz my bro fw is the same i dont like her sneaky ways