What would you do? Re: Postponing/starting a family

Your fertility doesn’t start dropping off until closer to 40. But if you want to start a family right now then go for it! But also know it could take a little while to conceive and there is a possibility of being pregnant at your wedding. There are definitely pros and cons but there is no wrong choice here.

Agreed with what Kelly said, but I'm in a similar boat, OP--I understand a bit of the anxiety.

Our wedding isn't until October of 2021, but with social distancing rules, I'm nervous there's a chance we'd have to push back or cancel. FH is 31 and I'm 27 (definitely not old, but we're looking to have three or four kids). I know that doing a mail-in fertility test helped me orient my thoughts on the matter (I did Modern Fertility and quite enjoyed the process) but I also only have one ovary (super-fun experience of having a cyst overtake my ovary to the point of removing the whole thing when I was 16) and know that women in my family have some history of early-onset menopause. I think perhaps doing some research may help you and FH make an informed decision?

Definitely pros and cons of being either pregnant or new parents on your wedding day, but definitely far from impossible. Even totally fertile and healthy couples can take around a year to conceive, so if the delay is causing you more anxiety than not, I'd say you should go for it!

I’m the same age, want 3 kids as well and are waiting until after our postponed wedding next year. Unless you have known health issues, you are no where near the end of your fertile years. That being said, do what’s right for you and your soon to be husband. Only you can make that decision for yourself.

View Quoted Comment Hi Emily, thanks so much for responding. I am in good overall health as far as I know (had my most recent physical in November) but I do have chronic anxiety and depression. My depression is being managed with medications but recently my anxiety has been out of control especially in regards to fertility. My fiancé is in good overall health as well but what concerns me is that a couple of years ago he had an issue with pain in the “family jewels” (sorry TMI!) The pain has since gone away but I still have anxiety over whether there might be an issue with his fertility. What I’m worried about is that waiting and not knowing will only make the anxiety worse... and it seems to have gotten much, much worse over the past year or so even before this pandemic started.

I especially don’t want to wait a year only to find out there’s a fertility problem and we could have spent the past year doing something to fix that...

View Quoted Comment If it will ease your anxiety, is it possible for you both to get tested for fertility concerns? Him, at the very least since he had that issue. That way you can make a more informed choice.

View Quoted Comment He did take an at-home sperm test which came back positive (which means he should have a normal sperm count). The issue is that a lot of fertility clinics are closed right now due to COVID and I have a feeling they wouldn’t do a fertility workup on me anyway unless we’d been trying for a year without success. I don’t know if there are any other options for fertility testing.

View Quoted Comment If the test came back with an all clear, I would try to focus on that instead of the anxiety. If you have a therapist, try talking to them about different strategies you can use to reduce your anxiety if the ones you typically use aren't being effective. While you can't be 100% certain about anything, one of the most effective ways of countering anxiety is becoming more comfortable with living with uncertainty. Take a deep breath, relax, and try to focus on the positives. If there is nothing that directly points to a potential fertility issue, odds are that you'll be ok.

I would think it would be quite a different experience having a wedding when you already have a child but not necessarily worse, just different. with this virus on the loose i would personally choose not to pursue getting pregnant as you would risk your life going to a doctors office for checkups. i have friends who say being pregnant right now is a complete nightmare. If its something youre dead set on then by all means.

View Quoted Comment I’m actually really curious what you thought of Modern Fertility and did the information you get prove to be useful in any real way? I just saw an ad for it. I’m likely past any age for getting pregnant naturally (or even with assistance, but hey, never know, according to my doctor who says not necessarily too late for me)

I am on the same boat except that I’m 30, turning 31 in Nov. and we had to postpone our wedding from Spring to Fall 2020. Our plan was to start trying this summer but that’s not going to happen now 😔. Fall is not looking good either and honestly I wouldn’t mind postponing a second time but that means no 👶🏼 until 2022 and that’s just so depressing 😭

I'll be 33 when I get married this fall. We're pretty certain our area will be opened up enough for what we have planned and if not we're still planning to have a private service and celebrate later. Just to kinda point out that your post sounds a bit desperate and a bit hurtful to the brides here who are older and still not able to start a family just yet.

I think one thing everyone needs to do right now is to stop looking at these situations negatively. I know there are a lot of things that suck, but I have faith that things work out the way they are meant to work out.

As for whether you try for a child now or wait until later, that's up to you, for me I would never consider it, but there's a lot of other things that are popular culture that I would never consider as well.

View Quoted Comment I’m honestly sorry if I came off that way. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone... I think it’s just part of how my anxiety has been affecting me. I guess I don’t always realize how it makes me sound to other people. I wouldn’t want to minimize anyone’s feelings though regardless of their age. We all are coping with this as best we can and I just wanted to be honest about what my feelings are even if they’re overly anxious and irrational.

I am 26, FH is 28, and we are so excited to start our family that we have decided to just start trying this month even tho we aren't getting married until July which will be a very smaller scale wedding than originally planned (fam only). You have to do what you and your partner want, for us, we want to start trying ASAP Personally, if I was any older I definitely wouldn't wait another full year, but that is just my opinion! best of luck!!

View Quoted Comment

I do understand that, Anna (nice name by the way). And this has definitely been hard and I imagine it's even harder on people who already struggle with issues like anxiety. I think the person who suggested a therapist probably has a really good idea. I hate that "seeing a therapist" still has a bad stigma to some people, but they really do help us to process emotions and feelings and find ways to cope. Finding and listing and reminding yourself of things you're thankful for are great ways to change your perspective.

I'll definitely admit that I never expected it to take me this long in life to find my love, to get married, and to try for a family, but I'd also just about given up on ever finding him, and so my focus is more on celebrating what I do have rather than whining why couldn't he have come sooner. Also, I'm keeping my paternal grandparents strongly in mind. My grandma didn't think she could have children (she was widowed before she married my grandpa), and at age 40 she welcomed my dad. And I also think this could help you as well. While I'm sure 28 for you feels like your clock is ticking away (my mom was done have kids at age 28, I felt it strongly when I hit that age and was still hopelessly single), there's still plenty of time. So I would definitely recommend taking some time to step back and breathe, journal, meditate, whatever relaxing hobby you enjoy. And I would say this being a conflict with your mom is super key to pay attention to. It's definitely not like a disagreement on a wedding detail, rather something that could and likely would affect the relationship between the two of you the rest of your lives.

Thanks to all who have commented. I think we are going to go ahead with our backup date of May 15th, 2021 and wait until then. I have ordered a Modern Fertility test kit and if my test results indicate a possible fertility problem we may decide to start trying sooner. If they indicate that everything is fine then hopefully that'll ease my anxiety in the meantime.

I definitely understand why getting pregnant right now during a pandemic might not be the best idea. I think the reason I have this sense of urgency is because of my anxiety first and foremost but also because of how much death I have witnessed in my line of work (I'm a community mental health worker so sort of a therapist myself, and I see people with chronic and severe mental illnesses as well as comorbid health problems and/or addiction), as well as a friend of mine who died suddenly and unexpectedly very young about a year ago. It's made me feel more than ever that life is fragile and we don't necessarily have all the time we think we have because anything can happen.

View Quoted Comment

I'm glad you came up with a plan. I am 35 and very worried about my fertility, so I understand how you feel. I was okay with postponing until December because I don't want to be pregnant right now, but if I did I would probably just have a small ceremony on my original date and start trying, then re-evaluate having a party later.

Good luck to you with your wedding and your pregnancy.

View Quoted Comment

Hi Christina! I really enjoyed my Modern Fertility experience. I will say, I have the Mirena IUD, and that definitely effects how much information you get (I got much less than you typically do if you're off birth control). They also set you up with a phone call with a fertility specialist to discuss the results you get. The lead time for mailing/results might be a bit long (especially due to the pandemic), but I found the results very useful to know, especially when they were augmented with my conversation with the fertility specialist. All the best to you and your partner!!

Hi Anna, we are in a similar boat. I am 32 and he’s 33 and our wedding was postponed from July 2020 to September 3rd, 2021. We decided to start trying last month and will keep trying until July. Figured giving birth five to seventh months before the wedding would be doable. If we don’t get pregnant by July we’ll wait a bit longer and retry during our honeymoon. We want at least two children, maybe three so time is ticking. The way I see it is work from home arrangements will be more flexible over the next two plus years and if I can have at least one child during this time that would be great! Also, if this pandemic lasts longer and large weddings have to be canceled yet again, I would have waited 14-16 months for naught. Good luck to you and your decision. Whatever you choose will be Gods will. After all, we all planned for this year to be a great one and here we are! I say go for it and if it’s meant to be it’ll workout for the best.