What to say when your stepson married a total hoarder style person?

Maybe your husband should say something. That is totally unacceptable and dangerous for the kids. I'm sorry to hear that.

Keep personal feelings out of it, hoarders will go on the defensive if you use words like “gross”, bring up the more important reason, that it’s a danger to their health. People understand something is dangerous a lot more than they understand it’s unpleasant. Do your research, print them out what you can find about the side effects of living in filth. Bring up the legal aspect, their house could be condemned. I would tread cautiously about any legal aspect involving their children, it could be seen as a threat from you.

You want to approach this from a place of concern for their health and safety. You don’t want them to be sick or harmed, you don’t want them to lose their home.

Offer to help with the labor and paying for the services to fix their broken home. DiL needs therapy, cleaning the house is only temporary.

I understand the frustration as my dad’s house is never spotless and I know my sister will not bring my nephew there. It is not horrendous, but not the place for a toddler to be running around in. I would have your husband let him know that maybe they should pick up a bit more. They may be overwhelmed with kids to notice so much. Your standards may also be much higher. Maybe gift them a maid service or let them know you want to gift them or the kids something that would require some cleaning and organizing. Some people are set in their ways and maybe invite them to your house instead of going to theirs.

I would have a chat with your stepson alone. If you have a good relationship, you and your husband can talk to him together. If you're not super close, it may be best for your husband to approach him about it on his own. Come from a place of caring. Don't use words like "filthy" or "gross." If his wife is the one with the problem, your stepson likely already recognizes the issue and may need help handling it. This is something you may need to seek professional help for.

Hoarding is a mental illness, or often a symptom of one. You need to remember this before you do anything. Mental illness is NOT logical and will take years to improve. This is not going to change overnight and you'll need to remember that for the whole process.
Overall because this is your stepson you might get a lot of pushback. I'd try to have your husband remind his son oftentimes when a home isn't clean you can see and smell it on the children, once those kids go to school the staff will notice and might have questions. One of my friends had DCF come for an inspection, failed, and had the kids removed until they passed. You might want to tell your husband at the end of the day you're worried someone is going to notice and his grandchildren may be taken from them, and youd rather help them now than later. Let him think about it for a while, I am sure he knows it's a problem.
Your daughter in law and son will likely need counseling from a professional, you could see about helping them find one or paying for part of the co pays.

View Quoted Comment I completely agree with this as well. Best of luck 💕

It takes two to have a filthy house; it's not just your DiL's problem. So your husband needs to have a talk with his son. He can at least point out the risks (the kids getting sick, them possibly being taken away), and talk through options. Maybe they need a regular cleaning service? Or at least a one time organizing consultant?

But it's also important to pick your battles. Toilet isn't cleaned regularly? It may look gross, but it's not endangering anyone. If they think your husband is expecting the house to be spotless (particularly when they have young kids), that's likely so overwhelming that they were just resist. If he can focus on areas that actually make a difference (e.g., food surfaces), he is more likely to get cooperation.

This is incredibly hard to deal with and it's like that your daughter in law has a mental health issue or grew up with people who were hoarders. My mother was one until the day she died. I loved her but living in it was hard as a kid and now as an adult I have to be very careful or my place can look like hers. I wouldn't mention legal issues unless the kids are actually being hurt or neglected. As you may know legal battles over children are literally the worst thing. I would talk to your son with your husband and offer to help clean maybe just the kids rooms and the kitchen and bathroom to start. If you believe in God I would also pray regularly for guidance, patience at to remain loving. I wish you the best moving forward this is really complex.