What to do with fh refuses to fly on an airplane

Why doesn’t he want to fly?
My husband does not like to fly so we drive when we can, but when we can’t drive he will fly. Just doesn’t enjoy it.

View Quoted Comment That’s the thing nobody really likes to fly! He has been all over the country and just doesn’t like the idea of being 50,000 feet up. He won’t take anything to help him “relax” on the plane.. and about 13. Years ago after coming back from California he just decided he will never fly again. Nothing ever happened to him...

View Quoted Comment I mean I love to fly haha
But I guess my question was if he was scared of flying. Sounds like he’s not relaxed on a plane.
Some people have fears, and while we can think they’re irrational, they’re still very real to the person. I think you need to have a conversation on what you want and what he wants for your honeymoon and come to a compromise, but honestly if he’s terrified of flying then forcing him on a plane will not be fun for either of you.

View Quoted Comment I also love to fly!! It just has been the conversation in our house especially for the last few weeks. It’s just frustrating and certain places we could never go because he won’t fly. (Umm Punta Cana!!) he doesn’t care about traveling like I would like to. He also knows how much it upsets me, especially because I would do something I don’t want to do for him..

If he doesn't want to fly and if he doesn't want to work on overcoming his fear of flying, there is not much you can do.


You could do a fun road trip maybe where you stop several times on the way until you get to your dream destination. But of course that depends on how much time you have for your honeymoon.

If he wants to overcome his fear, there are many ways to do so. As far as I know some airlines offer courses for people who are afraid of flying.

I hated flying for a long time. I still don't enjoy it but overcame it for my dream job overseas. Now I fly more than most people (and usually alone). I had put in my head that I didn't want this stupid fear to stop me from the life I wanted.

In my teens and early twenties I didn't mind flying. Then I had one flight in my early twenties - is wasn't even a bad flight or a very long one but after this flight for many years I just hated it and was afraid. I had a number of strategies that helped me when I was flying and afraid. I had a special song that I would hum and somehow that helped me calm down. I always made sure I was sitting at the aisle and not window. I did not want to see anything. One time they put me in the window seat even I had booked aisle and I was totally freaking out and felt so out of control. Somehow feeling like I still have some sort of control while being on the plane, helped me. But I survived that flight in the window seat and it actually helped me that I realized I can do this if I have to. I also always wore earplugs on a plane because every time I heard a noise I was thinking oh no what happened now. Surely the engine broke. Hahaha. With the years and many many flights it has gotten much better.

Maybe some of this helps. But he has to want to overcome his fear. If you pressure him it won't help much. If he doesn't change his mind, your options are a long drive or staying close to home.

View Quoted Comment Ash I am so happy to hear your success story!! Thank you for some positivity and light on the subject. His fear does not bother him or make him feel like he is “missing out” on anything. It’s just hard, I am venting, knowing we can never go to the Bahamas LOL

The train from Florida to Maine is only 32 hours and can be a fun adventure. You can even take your car. It would be more like 80 hours by train to colorado.

You could take a boat from Florida to anywhere in the Bahamas, Caribbean.

In my opinion, he probably is afraid and just can't admit it. Of some or all the parts. The loss of control, claustrophobia, fear of crashing, airports etc....

It would be cruel to try to force someone to fly who doesn't want to. Glad your not going that route.

You’re an angel for still marrying him lol! We travel way too often and internationally so I cannot even imagine not experiencing the world!! I have no good answers other than drive to a nice resort in AZ, CA, UT, etc. Best wishes!

At least you live near major cruise ports (once Covid is under control). Have you considered a cruise?! I also love the train up the eastern coast...

PS Deanna: You have plenty of time to drive to Vermont on your honeymoon, since Ski areas in Vermont open 6-8 weeks after your wedding, many years 10. Easy since only 4 days are needed for the drive. Getting the snow weeks before season for your lifetime trip will be harder. ( I live up in the northern kingdom).

Mine doesn't either and I had the same issue with trying to plan a honeymoon with limited options. We ended up just planning a road trip from MA to FL and maybe finding cool places to stop along the way.

My FH has a severe fear of flying, by which I mean, flying one hour to meet his new niece was a really difficult challenge and we almost didn't make the flight, and one hour is the most he will even consider flying (with great hesitation, panic attacks and more). Unluckily for me, a by product of anxiety that has worsened in the last few years, I too am now scared of flying myself, however, I have a desire to travel and I am determined to try beat my fear. This now means that we either holiday by cruise, or we take a roadtrip somewhere.

Years ago, I was ready to leave the relationship because I didn't want my dreams of travel to be forever put on hold because he wasn't willing to come with me. I begged him to go to therapy but of course, you can't force therapy on someone, and even then, it can take quite a bit of time to achieve progress, if you're lucky. I ultimately decided that I'd be stupid to throw away a fantastic relationship all because for 2-3 weeks of the year I would prefer to be somewhere else on the other side of the planet. While COVID and my own fear of flying has hindered travel, FH and I came to the agreement that he's ok for me to every now and then travel on my own or with girlfriends. Sure, I'd rather be watching soccer in Italy or boating through Greece with him, but at least this way I am not stopped from travelling and we don't have to hire a house-sitter since he'd be home.

It sounds to me like your FH has developed a fear of flying but hasn't come to terms with it. Even if he doesn't want to fly again, it doesn't mean its the end of the world - it means you need to have a discussion and establish whether it is something he is willing to work on, and if that isn't an option, consider alternative methods of travel. Good luck!

I am a terrible flyer.

I get horrifically airsick every single time.

(No, I'm not AFRAID of flying.)

Dramamine, sea bands, and gum only help so much. I pretty much have to half starve myself, utterly exhaust myself, and hope I can doze on the plane to even get remotely through it without feeling like I'm going to be violently sick for days. (...My first trimester of pregnancy felt like constant flying. I was VERY unhappy.)

Does your FH have this issue?

It's not really something I can get over with therapy - I have the same reaction to roller coasters, stop/start driving, and driving in mountains/hills.

Alternatively, can you take a train someplace?

View Quoted Comment Does he also have a problem with getting aboard a ship? The Bahamas are not only accessible by air. Just as in your first letter when you say he is making it impossible to have the VT ski honeymoon of your dreams, and you do not mention that your honeymoon is not in ski season by a couple months, it makes your letter seem not genuine.

Is he a numbers guy? I suggest making a presentation with statistics showing how much safer air travel is for long-distance trips. Kidding! MaybeXD

How about a train? I know it'd be a little bit longer, but at least YOU wouldn't have to drive! I think the best part about the honeymoon is relaxing. Me driving? Not relaxing!