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September 2020

What to do when someone assumes they're invited to your wedding?

Taylor, on August 23, 2020 at 1:06 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 12

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Need some advice please. Our wedding is about two weeks away and we just sent in the final headcount for catering. Here's some background information for the situation.
FH's parents divorced when he was a freshman in high school and his dad remarried by the time FH graduated. This marriage meant FH had a stepbrother, and while they're not the closest, they get along well and FH chose stepbrother to be a groomsmen. Stepbrother has a half sister and they share the same dad. Stepbrother's mom (AKA FH's Stepmom) is very close with the half sister and thinks of her as a daughter.
Now in the last 6 years of my fiance and I being together we have spent some holidays/celebrations where the half sister was included. Maybe about a dozen times in total? She's nice, however, FH is definitely not close with her and doesn't think of her as family. We just found out that half sister assumes she is invited to our wedding and is planning on coming. We did NOT invite her. Nothing personal, but again we are not close to her and have tried to keep this wedding relatively small for numerous reasons. Pretty much only close family will be attending.Half sister mentioned coming to the wedding in front of FH's immediate family and none of them seemed surprised. In fact, they all acted as if they assumed she was invited. We didn't say anything as that would've been extremely awkward. However, now we feel as though we have to include her. I guess I'm just feeling really stressed and annoyed by this. I would never assume I'm invited to an event. Especially when it's this close to happening and I haven't received an invitation. So what should we do? Politely point out that she isn't invited? Just allow her to come? If so, do we need to change our catering order? (Catering is buffet style fyi)Any advice or support would be much appreciated. And sorry for the long post! Just really needed to get this off my chest!

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Latest activity by Taylor, on August 23, 2020 at 9:29 AM

Master October 2022
Jana · on August 23, 2020 at 2:03 AM
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Some people don't care about manners. Do not feel pressured to invite her or explain yourself. Let her know that you have space and budget constraints due to Covid and leave it at that.
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Master November 2020
Kristen · on August 23, 2020 at 3:48 AM
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Wow. Major faux pas on her end. If I don't receive an invitation I wouldn't assume. I mean you have two options : if you can afford it then maybe invite her or have the awkward conversation of her I heard that you were planning on coming but invitations to all guests have already been sent. You could lie and say that you want to keep the wedding small due to budget and covid and you limited the guest list and hope she understands. I wouldn't say due to close friends and family as she may take that wrong. Some people assume that their invited to life events by default. Can I ask would it be too much to add her? If so, sadly weddings involve uncomfortable conversations. Gotta pull that band aid. I needed to have two this weekend but luckily turned out well.
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Dedicated June 2021
Jei · on August 23, 2020 at 4:36 AM
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Always keep in mind that this is YOUR wedding, YOUR celebration, YOUR day. If you and your FH don't want someone there tell them a polite but stern no. So many people have needed to cut their guess list this year for one reason or another. To assume you can simply attend is very inconsiderate, and forces you and your FH in a position you shouldn't have to be in. Unless, you truly want her there and can make the arrangements, kindly explain that unexpected guess are just not an option.
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Master April 2021
Mrs. Spring · on August 23, 2020 at 7:21 AM
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Your FH and/or his stepbrother need to contact her and politely explain that the final headcount was given and that you cannot go above the number because of your budget and COVID restrictions.
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Super September 2020
Leanne · on August 23, 2020 at 8:28 AM
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That’s a tough one. I feel like maybe she could have made the cut originally, but you’re right in that she obviously never got an invitation so why the heck would she assume she’s invited??? I’d have FH handle it with family and say “thank you so much for wanting to celebrate with us. Unfortunately due to circumstances related to covid we have a limited number, sorry if you assumed you were invited. We look forward to getting together later.”
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VIP July 2017
Becky · on August 23, 2020 at 8:56 AM
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She (and the rest of FH's family) *may* be assuming that her invitation got lost in the mail, as siblings (even as convoluted a relationship as this seems to be) are generally invited. As a result she probably said to someone "hey, my invite got lost, so can you give me the details" to someone.
This is especially likely since the USPS has been in flux the last little while - but wasn't beyond the realm of possibility even before. I mean, to be fair, I still haven't received my invitation to my best friend's wedding (and since she got married 9 years and 3 moves ago, I don't think it's coming).
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September 2020
Taylor · on August 23, 2020 at 8:59 AM
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Covid and budget were definitely in our minds when we created our guest list. Good news is we wouldn't have to lie if we politely ask her not to come. That being said it honestly wouldn't be that much to add her. Although, FH doesnt think we would have to actually change the catering order. His reasons are 1.) it's lunch that we're serving and people don't eat as much for lunch. And 2.) there are a handful of children attending, and they don't count as a full person because they won't eat as much. I understand where his mind is, but I don't know if I agree with his assumptions.
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Super March 2021
Kimberly · on August 23, 2020 at 9:09 AM
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Since FH is ok with her attending at this point I’d just leave it alone. You don’t need to change your catering order for one person as they should automatically prepare for a small overage. Are your tables being preset with anything (silverware, glasses)? You will need to increase your count in this case because they need to know to set this extra place.
It is extremely rude of her and the others to just assume she is invited and even more so that no one told you until 2 weeks out. I mean even if she thought her invite got lost and she got the info from someone shouldn’t she have “RSVPd”? Not cool on her part, but if FH is ok with it and you aren’t over your maximum just let it go.
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September 2020
Taylor · on August 23, 2020 at 9:13 AM
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It is comforting to hear that we most certainly do have the choice and wouldn't be in the wrong if we decided not to invite her. I just don't want to cause tension with FH's family. I think they would accept it, but would be confused and hurt by that decision. I just want as peaceful as a wedding as possible. I'm already super stressed about the fact that FH's Mom and Dad will be in the same room together.
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September 2020
Taylor · on August 23, 2020 at 9:21 AM
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We actually used e-invites. The Joy website makes it so easy to have a wedding website/app and have all the information in one place. RSVP's were so easy because people just replied by a simple click. I kinda have the impression that FH's family straight up invited her though.
Oh no, sorry to hear your invitation never arrived! That is definitely one of the risks with mailed invites which is another reason we chose to do electronic.
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VIP July 2017
Becky · on August 23, 2020 at 9:25 AM
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That's something else then. It is rude of her to invite herself, but I would just let it go at this point. You probably don't need to change your catering order - you may have "no-shows" and caterers usually bring a certain amount over and above what people are expected to eat as a just in case.
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September 2020
Taylor · on August 23, 2020 at 9:29 AM
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Yea we are leaning towards just letting it go. It honestly seems like the easiest and less painful choice at this point. Thanks for the advice in regards to catering! We will need to plan on setting another spot up for her, so we will update that number.
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What to do when someone assumes they're invited to your wedding?

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