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Kate
Dedicated June 2019

What to do if your best friend is ghosting your invitation?

Kate, on May 11, 2019 at 7:11 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 8
I'm going to try to make this as easy to follow as possible so bare with me!


I moved to Sweden last year to be with my now fiancé, and our wedding is in almost 4 weeks! We decided to have our wedding here vs Los Angeles (where I'm from) for a few different reasons but mainly because he has a much bigger family than I do. I knew that by choosing to have it here, many people from my side would not be able to come, which I was totally ok with and still am, and even mentioned on our invitation. That's also partly why I had a bridal shower when we visited for Thanksgiving last year. I wanted to make sure that my friends were included in whatever they could be included in, in case they wouldn't be able to come to the wedding. We actually have 20 people coming from the US which is surprising and awesome and I'm relieved it's not more than that, to be honest. But I'm having a weird thing with my best friend right now and I would love some advice.


We have been friends since we were 7 years old (so that's 27 years). Let's call her Olivia. She's the kind of friend who would do anything for me, if she could. So I'm not exactly taking this personally because I know it's not on purpose, but it's making me feel uneasy. I feel like if you consider someone to be your best friend, you should be able to be honest with them. And she and her girlfriend (let's call her Teresa) have been avoiding talking to me about my wedding like the plague for the past few weeks.

After we sent our invitations in February, Olivia (bff) told me she was putting in the request at work to take the time off, and then she updated me when the request went through. Teresa (who is the planner of the two, her girlfriend) was often texting me asking me for travel and accommodations advice, seemingly trying to plan their trip. A month or two after that, Teresa told me she was going to propose to her while in Sweden so that I could be a part of it since my best friend would want that, which was so touching and made me so happy. But not long after I just had a feeling that they weren't coming. Every other guest updated me whenever they were booking their tickets, but these two weren't saying anything. At one point, I asked Teresa if they still needed help with their travel just to see if I could get her to tell me they could no longer come, but she just ignored the text, which is so unlike her, and it happened a few times. So I stopped trying.


Teresa also ended up proposing to my best friend on her birthday last week, saying to me that she just "couldn't wait" which I was completely understanding of, but again.. that would've been the perfect opportunity to be honest and say "we actually realized we just can't make this trip. we're so sorry" but again.. radio silence.

Olivia literally texted me yesterday, apologized for her texts being so scattered lately (we had been texting about their engagement), saying things have been super crazy there, a lot going on with work, it takes up so much brain space, but "how are things in sweden?" like.. what? How about my wedding which you have been ignoring talking to me about? I'm not upset, just baffled that they're avoiding this and not being honest with me. We're 34, not 7!

But I guess there's nothing I can do. Would appreciate any advice or if you've gone through something similar with someone you're close to, I'd love for you to share your story.



8 Comments

Latest activity by Emily, on May 21, 2019 at 7:03 AM
  • Tara
    Expert June 2019
    Tara ·
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    I think you need to call or at the very least send a text and just be blunt. They are avoiding it so they will not come out and tell you. You need to say that you are hurt by their actions and it is okay if they do not come, but they need to be honest with you if there is a friendship. You do not want to give an ultimatum, but you need to stand up for yourself. It is not fair that they are ignoring it and acting like nothing is happening. I would definitely reevaluate my friendship because that is not what a friend does.
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  • Melissa
    VIP September 2019
    Melissa ·
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    I think you need to be upfront with her and just flat out ask. Like I need the headcount to be correct for the caterer. Will you be here or not?
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  • Kate
    Dedicated June 2019
    Kate ·
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    You are both right. I find their actions to be very childish, and I just want to move on and not have this awkward elephant in the room. I will figure out a nice way to say something to my best friend later. She still hasn't replied to my response to her asking how things are going here...

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  • E
    Super October 2017
    Emily ·
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    Have you tried facetiming or skyping? Maybe tell her you'll be getting a glass of wine and calling on X day. It could be easier for both of you to have the conversation more "in person". Especially since they can't continue to avoid you that way.

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  • Kate
    Dedicated June 2019
    Kate ·
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    I have not. Surprisingly i don't really FaceTime with my friends. Haha. But yes, you are right. I will suggest that and see what she says. I truly believe that both she and her girlfriend are gutted that they cannot come and are afraid to talk to me about it. So most likely I am the one who will have to bring it up.

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  • H
    Savvy October 2019
    H G ·
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    Yeah, that's annoying. No one is "too busy" to respond to a text and answer a simple question; that's a total cop-out. I'm guessing they are no longer coming and she doesn't know how to tell you. Some people get really weird about saying no to things.

    I think it's time to start being direct with her. Send both of them a simple text saying "we need a head count for the caterer, so I need to know if you are coming to the wedding. If you don't respond to this by Friday, I'll assume your plans have changed and you won't be joining us. We'll be sorry to miss you if that's the case!"

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  • Kate
    Dedicated June 2019
    Kate ·
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    I meant to respond with an update, but life has been a bit crazy! I wrote to my friend and everything turned out fine. She admitted that they were not able to come, but we're fine! Thanks so much to al of you for giving me the courage to say something. These conversations can be so hard and I'm relieved that it didn't drive a wedge between us.

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  • E
    Super October 2017
    Emily ·
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    I’m so glad it worked out! Nice work having the tough conversation with her!

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