What to call each other?

I would use ”partners”.

Can I ask why you want to ”leave the government out of it?” I would definitely look at the very least each getting a will set up and any paperwork you need to be each others decision makers / point of contacts in the event of an emergency.

It's also worth looking up common-law marriage laws in your state.

I guess I would go with "significant other", but I'm also curious why the desire to leave the government out of it. Sounds like you are there conceptually, and you're going through all of the other motions, so why not just add a license from town hall and at least get the benefits that come with it? Not judging.....just curious.

The government will treat you like spouses (depending on your state) tax-wise, after awhile of being together anyway. I don't see anything wrong with husband & wife, personally. Or literally whatever you want!

I live in Arkansas which is not a common law state. However, in the case of a divorce Arkansas always divides assets equally, regardless of if they are from prior to the marriage, unless there is a prenup that says otherwise. So we would have to pay to have a prenup done, plus with our current incomes we would actually pay more, not less in taxes. I have worked very hard to accumulate some assets, whereas my fiance's net worth is what he has in his checking on that given day. We already have each other listed as beneficiary upon death on all of our accounts, and are each other’s emergency contacts on everything. We also have each other listed on the HIPPA forms with all of our doctors so we can get medical information, however a power of attorney is something we're looking into. If either of us really starts accumulating assets our plan is to set up a trust and make the other the beneficiary. We also don't want to be married in case we decide to have kids, because there are too many things out there that are only offered for children of unmarried parents. Then my biggest fear of all... what if one of us gets hurt or into trouble. If one of us is severely injured in an accident and whoever caused it can't afford to pay, we can't qualify for any help unless we are both broke, or worse one of us causes an accident and we both get financially wiped out because of it. As long as were are treated as two individuals instead of one unit... one of us should always be in a position to help the other. Those are the main reasons I don't want that piece of paper.

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I know you're not judging, and everyone is curious. We are doing things a little different and I don't mind at all telling people why. If you don't mind my asking, what benefits come from a marriage license?

View Quoted Comment Ummmm....I'm going to guess that the benefits I was thinking of are not going to seem so beneficial to you. I think our basic ways of thinking are fairly far apart. You might want to just stick with "significant other" if you decide not to get married yet feel you need a title.

View Quoted Comment You’ve clearly done your research and thought this out!! Thanks for sharing, I had honestly never thought about it that way.

I think in social circles you would be totally fine to call each other husband and wife. Partners or significant others work too.

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Yea, I think that is what we will use because we really do want to be married. I just don’t want to feel like I’m lying to people by introducing him as my husband if he technically isn’t. I was hoping enough people are starting to do this that there is some new term that I hadn’t learned yet.

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That figures. Every time someone asks why we don't want to get legally married and I ask them why we should, they won't give an answer. When I was young, I dreamed about being married someday. Now that I'm an adult I can't remember what made it seem like a good idea. I just wish somebody would give one benefit to being married that can outweigh my fear of being legally linked, and therefore able to be held responsible for another person’s actions. It's okay to not answer though, I'm used to it. I live in the heart of the bible belt, so it is hard for people to respect our decision and I 100% understand that, because I struggle with it myself. That's why we haven't completely ruled out getting married, but all we see are potential downsides.

View Quoted Comment Arkansas (like many states) is equitable distribution state when it comes to a divorce. This means that your marital assets in case of a divorce would be split equitably or fairly, which sometimes is 50/50 but not always & will depend on your case. Most importantly, equitable division relates only to marital property (what was created during a marriage) and not pre-marital property (what you bring into the marriage). So your pre-marital assets would always be protected.

Second important point is that two of you should write a valid Last Will. In case that either of you builds any assets outside of what’s on your bank accounts, neither surviving partner will have a right to any of these assets if you’re unmarried, unless you define this in a Will, or create a trust, as you mentioned. To create two Last Will documents or a Trust document properly, you should use a lawyer. And that will cost you same or more than creating one Prenup in which all asset division would be defined.

Lastly, I’m not sure what type of accidents you are thinking of, but anything related to a car or a home or a work accident would be covered by car or home or workers comp insurance, so nobody would be wiped out financially in case one of you causes an accident.

This is not intended to change your opinion, I just thought to share some legal facts 🙂 Best of luck!

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Iva, you make a lot of great points!

Unfortunately I know from my Dad's 3 divorces, my boss's divorce, and two of my friends divorces, that "pre-marital assets" are only safe as long as they had zero activity during the time of the marriage. Ex 1: My mom made contributions to retirement accounts she had created before the marriage while she was married. Because of that the entire value of each account had to be split 50/50, not just the amount they grew during the marriage, even though my dad had never put anything in. Ex 2: My best friend inherited a lot when her grandfather died, then she got married and sold some of the investments to buy a house. Because of this her ex husband was entitled to half of all the investments in that portfolio, not just the house. I could give way more examples but it's not worth the time.

We know we will eventually have to hire a lawyer to create a will or trust but we really don't have enough to justify doing that yet. Also I understand that it is considerably more difficult to amend a prenup when a situation changes than it is to update a will, but I'm not 100% sure on that.

I am worried about car and work accidents primarily. Although insurance should cover those types of things, insurance companies are pros at finding reasons why they don't have to pay, or only have to cover a certain portion. Sometimes you have to be able to afford a lawyer to fight the insurance so you can get what they owe you. What if the person that causes the accident has no insurance or is under insured, which is extremely common! There are countless what if situations that leave individuals financially burdened because you can't be 100% insured against everything.

P.S. I've worked in accounting and real estate so I see financial horror story nightmares all the time! I suppose it has made me an excessive worrier. Where I work now, there were four elderly couples that had to get divorced in 2018 for financial reasons. It is said that the laws are what they are and I hoping it will change.

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Thanks for the reply. Those are indeed some financial horror stories lol. I was also talking from experience with several divorces from my family/friends & friends who are divorce lawyers, although all of them are in NY, so there might be differences. You are correct that certain activity of pre-marital assets during the marriage can convert part of it to marital assets. The examples you gave sound like unfortunate & unfair instances, so I can understand why you are maybe excessively worried about these things.

Prenup can be amended at any time, but both parties would have to be willing to do so in writing, with a lawyer etc. Will is definitely much easier to amend. My advice would still be to create a will or a trust, as soon as there are any additions to your financial situation, as time goes on, as you plan. In the meantime, good luck with your commitment ceremony & I vote for calling each other "my partner" or for more informal occasions "my woman/my man" 🙂

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Yeah, I'm probably just scared because my Dad is a pro at marrying hard working women then leaving them with nothing. With my boss and my friends, I thought they were marrying wonderful men, but the men changed as soon as they were married. My bosses x quit his job right after they got married, she gave him some time to start working again then got fed up and filed for divorce. She didn't realize that since he had been unemployed for a whole year and she was providing his support that she would have to pay alimony. Now she sends him money every month and he's retired in Florida. I wouldn't be with FH if I thought he would do anything like that but I also worry that if we actually get married it might be to tempting and he may due the same thing my friends husband did. It is no secret around here that eminent domain took both her and my families land and we got decent money for it. I haven't inherited mine yet but need to be sure I'm protected for when I do.

I like the my woman/man suggestion. It got me thinking about just calling each other my other/better half. I feel it is a little less casual. I know that is usually a term for husband and wife but not officially, and it really does suit how we feel so I wouldn't feel like I was being dishonest calling him that.

In our case we already have children. He’s raised my two boys since they were 3 & 5. If something were to happen to me I want to know my sons are taken care of, by him, and some relative isn’t dragging him through court trying to take them and have us not being legally married in their corner. If I had a real fear that this would end in divorce and our assets would be split I wouldn’t still be with him. I realize a large percentage of marriages end in divorce but I have opinions on that as well. We’ve been together for 7 years and have weathered some pretty crap months. There were times one or both of us could have said, I’m done! The “grass always looks greener in the neighbors yard” but upon closer inspection the animals still crap in theirs just the same as yours. Lol. I mean, marriage isn’t magic, it’s work. Choose someone you’re willing to do the work with and that is willing to do it with you and continue that and there’s no worry of splitting up assets. When we marry my health insurance will be better but much more expensive. I’m also about the commitment. Just telling your friends you’re together forever while still safeguarding your finances, etc from each other in the event of a split sort of seems like your foot is halfway out the door a bit. I hope this didn’t sound harsh! I was just sharing my reasons and opinions on this.

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Not harsh at all! I understand how wanting to safeguard my assets in case of a split makes it seem like I have one foot out the door. My FH felt the same way at first but now he completely understands my concerns. If you read my last reply to Iva you'll get a bit of an idea of why I'm afraid and my FH understands. My best friends x used to be FH's best friend, and he saw how the money changed his friend and realized it could happen to anyone, maybe even him. I totally understand your concerns regarding having children together and not being married but that wouldn't be a problem here. In Arkansas paternity rules, so if the biological father wants his rights he gets them. It doesn't even matter if the mother is married to someone else and that man's name is on the birth certificate.

P.S. FH and I use the saying "the grass is greener on the other side... because it's astroturf"

View Quoted Comment Well, that would be our problem. He isn’t the biological father but their father signed over his rights. So, in the event of something happening to me he would be battling only God knows what trying to keep the boys. I agree that money can change people. It sounds like you’ve just got some stuff from the way your dad and friends seemed to turn out. That’s completely understandable and my advice is you do you and if you both are happy more power to you. Also, I would go with husband and wife titles. When you’re talking legality you might have to call one another partners but as far as anyone else it’s not really their business if you signed a marriage license.

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Oh I'm sorry I read your first post too fast. Yes, if we were raising children that we weren't both the biological parents of we would get legally married without hesitation!!

You're right, my life experiences have made me distrusting. I feel so lucky that FH understands it's my personal problem and not an issue I have with him.

View Quoted Comment That's a pretty solid argument!!

View Quoted Comment Aside from formal commitment, um.... tax purposes????

View Quoted Comment Wow so in other words you want to defraud places that offer things specifically for “truly single mothers” who haven’t accumulated a bunch of assets and whose child may actually need help....