What should a moh do?

I would have to say you are expecting too much.

In terms of paying for things, you can choose to cover what you want, but I would be honest and advise people in advance so they can save for it.

I don't think you're expecting too much. Especially since it sounds like you and your friend have been dreaming of this since you were kids. I'd just be honest and upfront with your friend

Definitely don't cut her until you have a discussion of expectations. Not everyone is a step up kind of MOH. So I don't think its weird for her to not bring up things. We're always more excited than everyone else.

I don't really understand the bridal shower thing, though. I thought that was just an extra party that people threw for you? I didn't have one. No one offered and I thought it'd be weird to throw one for myself. To me it feels like I'm throwing a shower honoring myself...idk maybe I don't understand it lol.

Best of luck to you!!

Unfortunately you are expecting a bit much- all she really has to do is show up in the dress the day-of, and attend a rehearsal if you have one. I thought the same thing after watching all the wedding movies of the bridesmaids and maid of honor doing so much, but in reality, they don't really have those responsibilities lol. You don't have to pay for the hair and makeup if you aren't requiring it to be worn a certain way. However, if you tell them they have to wear an updo and have a specific style of makeup, you're expected to pay for it.

Haha you guys so far I am expecting too much and I'm not!😂 I think the only thing I was expecting was for her to bring up my shower and like get the wheels turning on that, because like pp mentioned, it kind of feels like I'm throwing one for myself which I don't like. I never even expected her to pay for it, just plan food and decorations and send the invites on her and my moms behalf. I said I would even gather names and address for her so when it got to the point where I'm just doing the whole thing myself I just let out a small "ugh". But like pp mentioned, not everyone is a step up type so I think she may just want to let me choose.

Sorry I wrote that before seeing your reply @Ashley! Thanks for your advice. Maybe I have just watched too many movies, although I did watch them all with my MOH coincidentally 😂

Yes, you are expecting too much. Her life didn't stop because you are getting married. You shouldn't plan your own shower. It is a gift giving event and that is against proper etiquette. If someone offers, great. If not, you don't have a shower. Sorry you may be a little disappointed. If you ask them to pay for hair and makeup you should also offer them the option to do it themselves in case they cannot afford it.

View Quoted Comment You asked, we are just giving our honest opinions. You stated she “hasn’t helped with anything wedding related,” but she isn’t responsible for planning your wedding hence why I said you are expecting too much. As for your shower, the bridal party isn’t obligated to throw one, but she was clear on being able to do so if your mom helps so I fail to see the issue?

View Quoted Comment

Obviously, I asked. I just thought it was funny how the first response said I was expecting too much and the one right after said I wasn't. I admitted two posts ago maybe I have watched too many movies and expected too much in terms of planning my shower and helping here and there, but I never expected her "plan my wedding". My "issue" was I was the one who had to ask if she was willing to help plan one at all. I'm fine with her response saying she'd do it with my mom, but that was the extent of it. I have done everything for it so far so she might as well had just said no. Even then, I admitted I probably did ask for too much and she isn't the step-up type of person. Maybe lighten up a bit?

Has she ever been in a wedding before, as a bridesmaid or MOH? It might all be new for her. I'd default to your mom planning the bridal shower so you don't have to plan your own. She could send out a group email/text/etc. to all the girls and ask how they could help. My mom is giving my MOH $500 for my bridal shower. And the other girls are helping how they can. When I've been a bridesmaid, I prefer to be given a task for the bridal shower like invites or food or decor so I can shop for deals & bargains rather than just handing over money to the MOH. So your mom could do that? You really can't "ask" the MOH/bridesmaids to pay for anything besides their dress. But when I've been a bridesmaid (only 2 times), I've paid for a portion of the bridal shower (decor usually), my share of the bachelorette party, my dress & shoes & my own hair & makeup, as well as travel and accommodations. My bridesmaids are paying for their dress, helping with the bridal shower and bachelorette. I'm paying for their hair and makeup. If you can't afford to pay for their hair and makeup, you can ask if they want to get it done and pay for it, but you can't require they get it done.

View Quoted Comment

She hasn't! I'm the first out of our friend group to get married, so it's very new for all of us. That's why I think growing up we always watched the movies and thought about what it would be like, but now its come to the time she just wants me to be happy and pick things to my preference which I now recognize and appreciate! Thank you for sharing your experiences being a bridesmaid and what yours are doing! I'm not having a bachelorette party, my mom is paying for shower & we're paying for their dresses/shoes/accessories, so I figured asking to pay for their hair and makeup is pretty fair and just letting them do what's comfortable! Thanks for your advice & kindness

She's not obligated to hold a shower or a bachelorette . Those events are held, if at all, by someone who has volunteered to hold one, which need not be anyone in your wedding party. And if no one volunteers, you just don't have one.

As for hair and make-up, if you require they have it, you pay. If they are allowed to get it done anywhere they want, or do it themselves, then they pay.

View Quoted Comment Yikes. You are reading too much into this, I legitimately did not understand what the issue was as your exact words were “she hasn’t helped with anything wedding related.” Some brides truly think their bridesmaids are their employees who accompany them and run errands for them. But I’m guessing you’re referring to the bridal shower as the wedding related things she isn’t helping with. It’s possible she may have had it in her mind that she’d help with the shower, but it’s still a bit early? Or, they may be planning it but not giving details as these events are often a surprise?

Yeah, you don't throw yourself a bridal shower. And you don't "cut" people from your bridal party unless you are prepared to wreck the friendship.

And your bridal party doesn't have to do anything but stand by you at your wedding, so to answer your question, yes, you are expecting too much.

And as far as what you expect them to pay, you figure out what their budget is and stay within it. If you expect them to wear their hair/makeup a certain way, then you are the one that should pay for it.

I disagree that you are expecting too much but MAYBE from the wrong person. I would think your mother, maybe sisters?, and future mother in law can plan your bridal shower (I would not put it solely on the MOH). Now I was in one wedding where all her sisters planned the bridal shower at a restaurant but all bridesmaids had to pay. I am pretty much planning my bachelorette since we are doing a dual trip with the guys to Vegas. I would not expect my sister (MOH) to plan that. But for one bestfriend, all the bridesmaid collaborated her bachelorette to OCMD as a surprise (she wanted it to be a surprise).

Disagree ENTIRELY with the poster up there that you NEED to pay for their hair and makeup. No, wrong completely. They know the cost of being a bridesmaid when you asked them. I paid for my hair in one wedding and I did my own makeup because it's a hobby of mine. I did the makeup for my other bestfriend for her wedding and only she got her hair done (we all collaborated and did our own updos/makeup). I think if you are choosing for hair and makeup to be a gift for your bridesmaids then sure pay for it, or you can gift them in other ways such as jewelry or clutches for the day of!

I think some of these posters are being too strict with their lines as to what should/should not be expected from the bride. I think it is a matter of sitting down and talking with her and your other bridesmaids on what you like and what you want help with. Hang in there

View Quoted Comment

If someone asks me to be a bridesmaid I think the cost is a dress - to which I give the bride a budget when she asks - a gift for the shower and wedding, and a portion of the bach party. Hair is NEVER in my budget. If the bride isn't paying for my hair, I do it myself. It is completely inappropriate to tell someone they are required to get their hair done and then not pay for it.

View Quoted Comment

That's where we disagree. From my experience that is not the case and I do not find it inappropriate. If the bride wants them all to have up-dos and they can do one themselves then they don't have to pay, obviously. If they have no clue, then they pay. Or if one bridesmaid knows how and she can do it for other girls more power to her. It's situational on who is able to do their own or not, but it is the brides decision on WHAT their hair looks like. But, especially if other gifting of other items/money are involved from bride to bridesmaid I would not say hair and makeup need to be at the cost of the bride.

Up until the wedding, your MOHs role is exactly the same as any other day (plus getting a dress). Sounds like she's behaving like a normal friend listening to you when you need her etc. which is exactly what I would expect.
A bridal shower is thrown by someone who offers to. You messed up by asking her to do it and she may have felt pressured. It wasn't her responsibility and I would apologise.

If you're requiring your BMs to get something specific then you need to pay. So if hair and makeup are optional and they can do it in whatever style they're able to then you don't need to pay but if you want it done professionally or in a specific style they might not have the skills to achieve then you need to cover it. Same with shoes, asking them to wear black or nude heels is fine because they probably have them or can choose something cheap but if you want a specific pair then that becomes your responsibility

Thanks for your input ladies! It’s definitely interesting to hear everyone’s experiences. All weddings are so different with different budgets, expectations, family situations etc so it’s definitly a puzzle trying to do what’s right while also not getting walked all over. Clearly a lot of us have all different opinions, but I think the best advice across the board is to just talk to them

View Quoted Comment

I love everything you said.

Also, I totally agree with people being too strict. I get that there are etiquette "rules". But damn. Some people act like you can't stray from them in the slightest, lest ye be burned at the stake!

View Quoted Comment

Completely agree. I have never heard of said rule about hair and makeup... It's up to the bride how she wants to gift. I personally would much rather pay a portion for my bridal party to have an amazing trip to Vegas for Bachelorette and I know they would appreciate that! They would enjoy getting their hair done also (that'll be cheaper than the portion I'd pay anyway for their plane/hotel). Screw the haters! I feel bad for their friends if they have to be in their weddings. Yikes