I
Dedicated December 2019

What happened after the non gifting

isabel1115, on February 1, 2020 at 4:18 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 11
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Ok we know guests are not obligated to give a gift but most believe its customary and do. It seems like from what I read, everyone has those couple or many guests who did not gift or card. I feel like there's a lot of threads about what to do but I want to know more: how did you deal, how did you feel, what happened after all that?

1. How many people didn't give you a gift? Did they have to travel, or did they give you a wedding shower gift etc?

2. Were they repeat offenders in other weddings or seem like they don't know etiquette? Or do you think they just didn't want to give a gift?

3. Did you send them a thank you card?

4. Did you talk to them as often/the same as before afterward? What happened? Did it ever come up?

5. How did it make you feel then and now?

6. Did you remember it when inviting them/gifting to other gifting occasions in the future and did that change how you handled it? Did you let it go on the surface or totally and completely let it go?

I'm not here to judge anyone or be ungrateful to the generosity of our friends and family. This isn't that. I just really want to know how it affected brides/grooms and how people dealt with it and their feelings.

11 Comments

Latest activity by Sherry, on February 2, 2020 at 12:15 PM
  • Andrea
    Master January 2021
    Andrea ·
    • Flag

    I haven't gotten married yet, and I haven't been to a wedding in over 20 years, so I don't really know my family's patterns on gifting at weddings. But, one thing I know is that for us, we won't be sending non-gifters a thank you card. The reception for them is a thank you. For those who actually gave us something, we will personally hand write letters and mail them out. We'd all hope that our family and friends will be generous and give us cards, gifts to show their appreciation for us, but you'll never know the true outcome until after your wedding day is over! Try to smile and enjoy the day! If you don't get a lot of gifts, don't sweat it! I'm having that mindset too. Some people have literally nothing to give as a gift, however there are some who don't make a lot but still find a way to gift a small amount of cash or a small gift. So you never really know! I sort of have an idea on who is going to gift us, as they've messaged us and asked us questions about our preferences. However, the majority is still unknown! Don't sweat it, girl!

    • Reply
  • Kelly
    Champion October 2018
    Kelly ·
    • Flag
    We only sent thank yous to people who gave gifts or cards. Honestly I have no idea who gave what and who didn’t give anything.
    • Reply
  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
    • Flag
    1.) We didn’t keep a tally.
    2.) I don’t ask my other friends or relatives who gives them wedding gifts.
    3.) Thank you cards are for gifts, so no.4.) All of our relationships remained the same, gift or no gift.5.) I truly couldn’t care less.6.) I was never upset about it in the first place. There’s nothing to let go.
    • Reply
  • Mrs. S
    Master November 2019
    Mrs. S ·
    • Flag
    1. Lots of people didn’t give a gift. Some gave who didn’t come to the wedding (I would have preferred their presence but I’m grateful they cared), everyone had to travel, some came and gave a gift or card, some came and didn’t. I only kept a list for thank you cards and then I deleted it. It was not important to me to keep track of that. 2. No clue and it was not important to me. I don’t think gifts are a requirement. 3. I sent thank you cards for gifts, thank you cards for parents and wedding party, and cards with pictures to parents, grandparents, wedding party and siblings after our official pics came in. 4/5/6. Gifts have no bearing on my future conversations, emotions or relationships. The only thing I’m still upset about is my brother in law not showing up to my wedding after committing to be a groomsman (and all expenses would have been paid for him). And someone telling my ex when my date was, causing him to contact and stress me out (and obviously that person disrespected my privacy and trust). But as far as gifts go, I appreciate what I got and have no feelings about not getting something from someone. I was grateful that people came to celebrate our special day.
    • Reply
  • I
    Dedicated December 2019
    isabel1115 ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    How did you write thank you cards if you don't know who gave what? Were they all generic messages?

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  • Kelly
    Champion October 2018
    Kelly ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Oh sorry. We wrote thank you notes as soon as things came in so it was like oh this package arrived from this person write them a thank you note. With the cards at the wedding we sat down and went thru them and wrote them then. But beyond that I didn’t pay attention to who didn’t give anything or remember who specifically gave what. Maybe because our guest list was pretty large and 3/4 of the guests were my husbands people so it was like oh a blender from John and Jane, don’t know who they are but thanks haha. I didn’t keep a tally in my head or remember who got each little thing.
    • Reply
  • MOB So Cal
    January 2019
    MOB So Cal ·
    • Flag

    I'm not exactly sure, but for the most part the few people who didn't give gifts were some of daughter and SIL's friends (mid-20's). Some of them (mostly the single guys), I'd guess they just don't know a card and/or gift is the norm for a wedding guest. Daughter & SIL sent handwritten thank you notes to everyone who sent/brought a gift, within a week or two of the wedding. I would imagine they will continue to gift for any wedding they are invited to.

    • Reply
  • Kari
    Master May 2020
    Kari ·
    • Flag

    I'll just throw out there that its socially acceptable to give gifts up to one year after the wedding. Some people choose not to give a gift before or the day of because they want to wait and see what the couple didn't get or didn't think of but truly needs. Or, they're like my FH and just put it off and then end up buying the couple some nice alcohol to celebrate their first anniversary with once they are reminded by me that almost a year has gone by and we haven't gotten them a gift yet.

    • Reply
  • Gen
    Champion June 2019
    Gen ·
    • Flag

    1. How many people didn't give you a gift? Did they have to travel, or did they give you a wedding shower gift etc? - 4 people didn’t give gifts (at least not yet)



    2. Were they repeat offenders in other weddings or seem like they don't know etiquette? Or do you think they just didn't want to give a gift? -Not sure if they’re repeat offenders or anything lol. One of them was my husband’s friend, who is local and idk what his excuse was 🙄 Another was one of my friends who came up to me and apologized repeatedly saying she forgot her gift at home and she’d mail it to me (but it’s been 8 months and I still never got it lol). She did give me a shower gift though too. My MOH also didn’t give a gift because she also forgot hers at home... again still haven’t received it in 8 months lol, but she also is from out of town and obviously spent money on her dress and helped me out with a lot of stuff, AND she’s in medical school so I know she’s totally broke and don’t really care about not getting a gift from her lol. Best man also didn’t give a gift, but he’s also from out of town and spent a decent amount of money on my husband’s bachelor party AND helped with a bunch of wedding stuff too so I don’t think a gift was really necessary from him either.



    3. Did you send them a thank you card? -No, I only sent thank you cards to people who gave gifts



    4. Did you talk to them as often/the same as before afterward? What happened? Did it ever come up? -we still speak to best man and MOH in our situation, clearly. Haven’t spoken to the other two since the wedding... but they’re also people we don’t see on a regular basis as is. Like obviously we are close enough with them to have invited them to the wedding but they’re people we were closer to in the past and now only see on occasion. Not sure it’s related to the lack of gift.



    5. How did it make you feel then and now? -like I said I feel like our best man and MOH not gifting is 100% fine and I don’t hold anything against them for that. My one friend who forgot I genuinely believe she forgot, and probably also forgot that she still never gifted... she’s kinda flaky as is. It’s a little annoying but I’m not holding it against her. My husband’s friend.... idk what his problem is lol. I kinda judge him for it.. I feel like it’s pretty rude to show up to someone’s wedding, eat, drink, enjoy the party, and have no intention of giving a gift.



    6. Did you remember it when inviting them/gifting to other gifting occasions in the future and did that change how you handled it? Did you let it go on the surface or totally and completely let it go? -I’m not sure since i have no idea the next time we’ll host a gift giving event lol. Especially since we’re not super close to the main person who I felt was rude about it, idk that we’d end up inviting him to anything else we’d host anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️

    • Reply
  • Kaysey
    Super February 2020
    Kaysey ·
    • Flag

    I haven't gotten married yet (27 days though!!), but I do think that I know how I will answer these questions;


    1. My FH and I not expecting gifts from anyone. We invited our guests b/c we love them and we want them to share our day with us. If they bring us a gift, okay. It is appreciated but not expected. For those who have/are going to give me a bridal shower gift (my bridal shower is Thursday evening), I will be grateful to them, but again, I do not expect anything.


    2. I don't think they would be repeat offenders. Some people just don't give gifts. It's not a requirement at weddings to give a gift. Some are not financially able to give gifts and that's okay.


    3. We plan on sending thank-you cards to everyone who attends our wedding; gift or not. If they happen to get us a gift, we'll include the gift in the thank-you card. If they don't give a gift, we still want to thank them for attending the wedding.


    4. Whether or not we get gifts from them will not determine our relationship after the wedding. We're just glad they're coming to celebrate with us. Smiley smile


    5. I imagine it won't make me feel any type of way. Again, we aren't expecting anything. We're just happy they're taking the time to celebrate with us.


    6. I don't think I'm going to hold it against anyone if they do not bring us a gift or card. For example, we're going to one of my FH's groomsmen's wedding at the end of the year. The groomsmen and his fiance are traveling from out of state and staying in a hotel for the wedding. It doesn't matter if they bring us a gift or not, we will still give them a gift at their wedding b/c we like to give gifts and we are financially able to give them a gift. His groomsmen is paying for their accommodations while in town for our wedding, currently paying for his wedding, paying his own bills, and just bought a house, so they may not be financially able to give a gift to anyone right now, which is completely fine. I'm grateful they are taking the time out of their lives to come to our wedding.


    I'm sure it does effect some brides and grooms who think they're going to make a lot of money or get a lot of gifts from their wedding. Personally though, my FH and I don't care about any of that. We're excited to spend time with our friends and family and celebrate our marriage. Anything we're given we will be grateful for but we aren't going into our wedding expecting to receive gifts.

    • Reply
  • Sherry
    Master September 2019
    Sherry ·
    • Flag
    We didn't keep a count of who did or didn't gift. If they gifted, we thanked them for coming and the specific gift and if they didn't gift, we thanked them for celebrating with us on our special day.
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