What does this actually mean?

Hey, this is my second wedding so maybe coming from me this might help you. Your FH and his ex wife are exes for a reason. That relationship is done and he loves you, enough that he wants to go through the process of getting married again- which is wonderful. I’m not sure what led to his first marriage falling apart but I do know that any divorce is very painful. So to find someone who makes your heart sing again like it’s the first time is very wonderful. You do that for your FH. I know it might be very hard go let his past go, but he loves you and cherishes you just like I love and cherish my FH in a way that makes me forget the pain and regret of my first marriage! You don’t have to compare yourself. Try to go without tomorrow. Then go without for two days. For d yourself into wedding planning with this man you plan to spend your life with. Focus on your wedding day and making that your best day ever!

The reality is that for the majority of us, there was someone else in our significant other’s life before we came into the picture, just the same as how our significant other may not be the first to steal our hearts. These prior relationships all ended for one reason or another. With that in mind, I think you really need to try and change how you feel about your partner being married before. You say that it hurts you but you can’t change what has happened in the past so letting this get to you will drag you down and you (and your relationship don’t need that). As a starting point, I highly encourage you to block the ex-wife on social media (or ‘hide’ her accounts) so that you can’t keep doing this to yourself by sussing her out – it will not help you move past these feelings in any way and if anything will fuel them.

I also would highly encourage you to speak to a therapist/psychologist/counsellor if you feel that you can’t easily let go of this behaviour. I myself am in therapy for anxiety and have realised that a whole range of everyday behavioural things I say and do are all traced back to certain things and it has really been insightful for me to understand why I do certain things (and how to break bad habits) so it might offer you some sturdier tools to beat this if you can’t break the habit yourself. Good luck!

I'm sorry this is bothering you so much, but you seem to be letting this consume you as you have made numerous posts about this. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like this is something you are willing to let go of without seeking the help of a professional so my advice is to talk to a therapist. This may not be the type of relationship that you can continue to be in because you are letting his past come between you. He is obviously willing to marry to you since he asked and not letting his past marriage interfere with your relationship, but you are obsessed with the fact he was married before to the point you are stocking his ex-wife's social media and you've watched their wedding video. None of this is healthy behavior and will end up leading to relationship problems if you don't stop this type of behavior and thinking. I will tell you my husband is the only person I have been intimate with, but he has been intimate with other women before me. While I obviously wouldn't want to sit around and think about that, it is in the past. There is nothing I can do to change what he did with people before me so it would be pointless for me to dwell on it. You either need to learn to let it go or be honest with your fiancé that you don't think you can be in a relationship with someone that was previously married. It isn't fair to him.

Dear Missells, you already answered your own questions when you admitted to yourself and us that you are or becoming "emotionally weak", feel "hurt", and stalking his EX.


All of this shows you're not ready for marriage with him or probably not anyone right now and definitely need to seek professional help with your insecurities OR release this man in order for you to seek and secure a relationship with someone who has no previous marital experiences. In essence, you're driving yourself crazy...😢

Since you posted the question, I think it’s safe to say you realize it’s not a normal (or healthy) behavior. But I think there’s information missing that might help people provide advice. For example: why exactly are you checking his ex-wife’s social media? What are you looking for? Why are you concerned with her life? What occurred that made you feel emotionally weak only “lately“?

It sounds like your stuck in a loop - you keep checking her media and it’s causing you distress but you keep doing it.
STOP. This is not good for you. Nothing can good can be gained from this.

View Quoted Comment This. I think this is the 3rd post you’ve made about this. Please see a counselor if this issue is causing you this much pain. For your health, and the health of your relationship, you need to work on letting this go. A counselor might help.

I agree with all the other posters. You don't gain anything by dwelling on this issue, and it seems to be really bothering you. As others have said, counseling to understand why you are so fixated on this issue and fixated on her may be really beneficial for you personally and for your relationship.

Considering that this is your third post in ~2 weeks on this subject, I think it means that you should see a therapist.

I think the only way you’re going to overcome this is by putting wedding planning on hold and seeking help from a counselor. Mostly everyone has previous partners. If you’re stuck in this pattern of needing to check on his ex, you are never going to be happy.

View Quoted Comment I’m just surprised of myself that this wasnt an issue. I have had a partner too for 4 years, but the fact that they were husband wife makes me sad.. that it was official, not even the party but the paperwork makes me sad..while this wasnt an issue

View Quoted Comment Again, I think you’re hanging on to something you shouldn’t be hanging on to OR you shouldn’t have started a relationship with someone who had already been married. While I think it’s normal to at first have a few “oh he’s done this before” thoughts, your obsession over his ex and the fact that they were married is not healthy.

Your fiancé‘s previous marriage seems to be becoming an obsession for you. It is causing mental self-harm, as well as harming your relationship. You need to seek professional help to work through this issue, as it is clear you cannot do this on your own. If you do not want to have face-to-face sessions, or if insurance/cost is an issue, there are tons of therapist that now offer affordable online sessions. If you do not work through these issues now, you can pretty much guarantee this relationship will end.

Hi,
I did this at one point too (ex girlfriend, not wife). It was weirdly maddening. Ultimately, it came down to insecurity. My FH never gave me any reason to think he was hung up on his ex, but she was and still is close to his family. One poster suggested therapy & I would HIGHLY recommend it if you haven’t done it before. I never thought I would find myself talking to a therapist, but it really changed my life and the health of my relationship.

As an aside, I was always soooo offended when someone suggested this to me. Ultimately, I decided to do it because I needed to change.