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Eden
Savvy April 2023

What do i do in this situation? Am i wrong?

Eden, on March 21, 2023 at 4:14 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 4 15
The entire wedding planning process I was under the impression and was told by my FH that we were paying for the rehearsal dinner. He has been in charge of the wedding budget/money. Since we were paying we discussed and agreed months prior to this that no one outside of the wedding party would be going to the rehearsal. We cut off the guest list at grandparents. My family tried to push and have my aunt and uncle there since they were from out of state to get more time with them. I brought it up to my FH and he simply said no we can’t have anyone else because we were already stretched thin with going over budget in a couple areas of the wedding. I didn’t argue or push it anymore and I simply told my family “no” that we were not having anyone outside of who would be in the wedding (grandparents walk down the aisle before the bridal party so we included them). I thought that was the end of it. Well, like a day later my FH calls me and says invite whoever you want to the rehearsal my parents said they are paying for the entire thing. I said “wait a second… they told us they weren’t giving us anymore money than what they had already given us towards the ceremony and reception.” He goes yeah I know but now all the sudden they’re paying for it I don’t know. I started to feel guilty I really didn’t want them to pay for the rehearsal on top of what they had already given us. I also said to my FH that I already told my family no that they’re not going to the rehearsal it’s tacky to all of the sudden invite them after that. I find out that my FMIL and her mother (my FH’s grandmother) were expecting to have my FH’s great aunt there at the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. Which makes no sense she would just be sitting there awkwardly. I said to my FH I didn’t want her there that I’m not having anyone outside of my side of the wedding party there. His grandmother is now threatening not to go to the rehearsal nor the rehearsal dinner because my FH has tried to stand his ground about having additional people there. My FMIL has been awful to him about it also. Yelling and screaming at him, not talking to him. There is absolutely no reason for his great aunt to be at the rehearsal or rehearsal dinner other than his grandmother and mother dictating who is going (Who knows who else they would will try to add to the list btw). This also isn’t the only aspect of the wedding my FMIL has tried to control. I’ll mention how much she talked bad about the venue we chose and how no one would go to the wedding because it’s an hr and half away from where my FH family is. She wanted us to have the wedding right in his hometown. My family lives all over and are traveling in with no complaints. She also mentioned to my FH that she feels left out of the wedding planning process. My FMIL also picked who she wanted to go to the wedding from my FH’s side I let her have that. I told my FH that we either still pay for the rehearsal dinner or we just won’t have one I’m so exhausted by my FMIL trying to control EVERYTHING. I start to feel guilty because I know how upset my FH gets about it and it’s still his mom. I keep my distance from her for this very reason to avoid any extra drama with what she might try to control. This drama should not be going on a month before the wedding just because they hurried and changed their minds and plans so now we have to just acclimate to what they want?!

15 Comments

Latest activity by Stephanie, on March 24, 2023 at 11:07 AM
  • M
    VIP August 2021
    Michelle ·
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    Unfortunately, one month before is precisely when toxic people amp up their demands. I would not back down. If FMIL continues to be abusive, have your FH threaten to disinvite her to the wedding she's not funding. Consider canceling the formal rehearsal dinner and saving $ for your future. You could practice with your WP in someone's basement with pizza in jeans.
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  • Jacks
    Champion November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    FMIL is wanting to pay so she can control things, and is using your FI to do it. Don't back down, hold your boundaries. Don't take any money from them at all, or there will be strings all over it. FI needs to stand up to his mother's behaviour and not accept it. If he doesn't right now you're in for a lifetime of this nonsense.

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  • Pamela
    Savvy April 2023
    Pamela ·
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    I am not so sure. A great Aunt can't be all that bad, If they want to pay for dinner. It does not seem like something you should hold your ground on for the sake of keeping the peace. It is just one person who is an older member of the family and may not be around forever. Your MIL will be in your life forever and this is over one elderly person. This is a celebration of family as well as it is your new life with your FI. She probably feels a very deep connection to this person, evidenced by her reaction, to want to include her in some of the wedding process with her son.

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  • C
    CM ·
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    Personally, if there were no other considerations, I would not be standing on ceremony if your in laws made a generous offer to host the rehearsal dinner. It's very common, traditional actually, for the parents of the groom to host this event. You could easily have modified the guest list if there were new hosts at that point because it's essentially starting over. A month ahead was plenty of time. One great aunt in tow at the rehearsal would probably not have been my hill to die on either. The yelling and screaming and the threats undoubtedly would be, though.

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  • S
    Just Said Yes April 2023
    Stephanie ·
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    Oh boy. This sounds stressful. So, I've been married once before, and now moving on to the second marriage in two weeks! Yay! I know what you are going through. My Ex husband's mother tried controlling everything for the wedding, from wedding date, wedding colors, church, guests lists- just drama all around because they paid for everything. Biggest regret I had was not sticking to my guns about what I really wanted, and my whole wedding drama was a foreshadowing of what our marriage was going to be like. That is over now. On to the second wedding planning - I'm (we, my FH) our doing it completely our way and this has been the best wedding experience ever. Please do not let your future in laws control every aspect. You will regret it and harbor all that anger for years, trust me! You can be polite and tell your future husband that you both need to be united in your decisions to what you picture every aspect of your wedding to be. It doesn't matter if they are paying for it. That is totally beside the point. And guess what, your FMIL will get over it. This is YOUR union. Your day and every event leading up to it. Sit down with your man and lay it all out. He can love his mom, but at the end of the day, you are becoming his wife. You are becoming one, and he needs to be in your corner. Best of luck!
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  • M
    VIP August 2021
    Michelle ·
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    I read this that FMIL didn't offer any money, only the bride's parents. She yelled, the grandmother threatened. It's a generational cycle waiting to be broken.

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  • Eden
    Savvy April 2023
    Eden ·
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    She did offer to pay for the rehearsal, but of course with strings attached. My FH is so hurt by his mom with the way she reacted to us only wanting to have the wedding party there. He’s also upset because his grandparents (mom’s parents) are threatening not to go to the rehearsal nor rehearsal dinner. I feel guilty, but I’m so sick of her and mother getting whatever they want and them trying to manipulate my FH. Their newest argument is that they told the great aunt a couple of months ago that she was going and already got a shirt for it blah blah blah. First of all why would THEY tell her that she’s going second of all we had our mind made up in October with our rule for the rehearsal dinner. There were two occasions way before this that we know we mentioned she was not to go to his grandmother and now they’re trying to blow it up on us!
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  • Eden
    Savvy April 2023
    Eden ·
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    The great aunt is not sickly and she’s much younger than his grandparents. They’re not together ALL of the time. Honestly it’s almost out of left field as to why they’re having a conniption about us not wanting her to go. I’m really tired of accommodating what his mother and grandmother want and walking on eggshells around my fmil. Their reactions to my fiancé when he tried to explain and give other options for his great aunt to do in the meantime I think has proven enough for us to stand our ground. I would like for me and my fiancé to pay for the rehearsal or just not have one. I don’t want anymore money from my in laws it just gives my fmil that much more to hold over my head.
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  • Eden
    Savvy April 2023
    Eden ·
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    Oh we are having a combined bachelor and bachelorette party and she tried to control that also. My fiancé can’t even tell her the exact price of for example the flowers or the planner etc. because she will FREAK out if it’s more than what SHE thinks is necessary. My FH and I are mainly paying for our wedding btw. I can’t completely knock my in-laws they have given us money towards the wedding. I’m am just so exhausted by his mother’s behavior.
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  • Eden
    Savvy April 2023
    Eden ·
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    Exactly, their reactions just put it over the top. Just to show what happens when they don’t get THEIR way. Forgetting or not caring that it’s a day for their son and not them! Now my FH has to worry if his own grandparents will be there celebrating with us or not. I think that was the lowest they could go with threatening not going to the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner!
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  • M
    VIP August 2021
    Michelle ·
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    I think you need a couple days to let feelings settle. You have many !! Let your FI voice his disappointment to his family and lay down boundaries. Whether they apologize for their abuse is up to them. You cannot control them, but you can walk away and reduce contact. For this reason, I think you should cancel. This would prevent your FI from being further hurt by emotional blackmail as there's nothing more to fight over. And you needn't worry how cancelling one-month ahead looks to others. Just tell people it didn't work out. But, I do want to clarify, if you had let the In-laws host, they get final say on the guest list. It is not up to you to control a party where you're not a host and they would have rights to be annoyed, but certainly not abusive. Good luck.

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  • S
    Just Said Yes April 2023
    Stephanie ·
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    Even if they are giving money towards the wedding, that should always be done just out of the goodness of their hearts, not because they want a say in anything. That's the way it should be. It is YOUR guys' wedding. I think it's easy for me to see because I've been married before, planned a wedding, and the end result was utter disappointment and drama. This time, I'm having a micro wedding, 30 people only, guest lists, venue, decor, everything is what we want. Just remember what is important to you and don't let anyone change that .
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  • Eden
    Savvy April 2023
    Eden ·
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    We are having an intimate ceremony and reception of only 40 people. Get this… because our wedding isn’t going to be big enough for my fmil she’s insisting that she’s going to throw us another reception after we get back from the honeymoon. I don’t even want it. She has to make everything a huge ordeal.
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  • Jacklyn
    Just Said Yes September 2023
    Jacklyn ·
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    Just tell her thanks but no thanks and move on. She had her wedding and now this is your wedding.
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  • S
    Just Said Yes April 2023
    Stephanie ·
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    Oh wow. Tell her you don't want it. That's too much.
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