Post content has been hidden

To unblock this content, please click here

Master April 2021

What are things you've learned from others' Marriage & Family

Mrs. Spring, on January 26, 2021 at 6:58 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 11

Saved

Flag
Hide content

What are things you've learned from others' Marriage & Family 1

I absolutely love this poster that I saw in my 3rd grade class. It's hilarious! No, but really, what have you learned (good and/or bad) from others' marriages and family life that will prepare you for your own?

Mine are to: *take care of my mental & physical health.* My mom struggled with obesity and it caused many issues in my parents' marriage. She always told me that I would be obese like her by my late 20s and here I am just shy of 30 and I'm a size 4 due to eating healthy and exercising.

*Marrying and/or having kids after career and education goals are completed* my parents went through undergrad and grad school while raising my siblings and I and I disliked it. I felt like they didn't manage their time enough to spend time with us. Kudos to couples who can manage marriage and/or kids in a healthy way while pursuing education/career goals. I dont think I would be good at it.

*Being on the same page of finances* my inlaws have beeb married for 50 years and still argue a lot about money. FMIL frequently asks my FH for money without ffil's knowledge.

*holding spouse & children accountable*My in-laws have never held their kids accoubtable. FMIL still allows her son (FH's older brother) live at her house for free, he'll be 48 this year and he has 2 kids of his own that he did\does not raise. She also raised her grandson (from fh's middle brother) and is currently raising her GREAT granddaughter. And FBIL (middle brother) has the audacity to call himself a single parent when he has never lived with his child???!!! And FMIL never argues with him on this. If my mom raised my child and I called myself a sibgle parent, oh Lord her head would spin around like the girl in the Exorsist!

This puts a strain on my in-laws' marriage. They couldn't even attend our original wedding out of town (no kids) bc if they leave grear granddaughter behind, her parents don't make sure she logs on for school and then she's behind in classes.

Flag
Hide content

11 Comments

Latest activity by Rebecca, on January 27, 2021 at 4:48 AM

VIP May 2020
Jai · on January 26, 2021 at 9:38 AM
Flag

Hide content
Those are important and great lessons. I learned to prioritize my marriage, like my partner comes first and so does his feelings. I've watched my parents marriage where my dad always put his mom first and never his wife, my mom; and they are still married today and he has no contact with his mom due to her toxic nature but for many years their marriage suffered.

To be on the same page about kids- we decided to either have a child biologically then adopt another or to have none. Decides on how much of our educational and personal ambitions we accomplish. His dad married his stepmother 20 years ago and they never had kids of their own- they raised my hubby n his half sister, and his stepmother regrets not having kids biologically.
- Reply
Master April 2021
Mrs. Spring · on January 26, 2021 at 10:04 AM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
Hi Jai,
Thank you for sharing. It's super important to put a spouse first.
- Reply
VIP May 2020
Jai · on January 26, 2021 at 10:07 AM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
You're welcome!
- Reply
VIP November 2021
Allie · on January 26, 2021 at 10:07 AM
Flag

Hide content
I think the biggest thing I’ve learned, honestly mostly from people whose marriages DIDN'T work out, was to always make sure our communication is a top priority and that we do it effectively. My FH and I have always been good communicators, but this year really tested that and we had a point in time where it fell apart. It’s the one thing everyone who couldn’t make it work said they needed to do better and had they done it effectively, their relationship might have worked out.
- Reply
Master April 2021
Mrs. Spring · on January 26, 2021 at 10:12 AM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
Hi Allie, thanks for chiming in. Could your provide an example of a lack of communication? Was it something like one person bringing home takeout and when they walked in the door, the other person waa slaving away in the kitchen preparing a meal?
- Reply
VIP November 2021
Allie · on January 26, 2021 at 10:50 AM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
It could be something very small like that to something much larger. One example I have is one of the couples had a child and they weren’t communicating about their own needs when it came to the child. The mother felt really burnt out, but never told the father that she needed help. The father felt that the mother wanted to play that role in their child’s life and he never voiced that he didn’t know where he fit in. It ended up getting so bad that they would argue, then pretend the argument didn’t happen and try to go along with life. But it caused a lot of resentment between them and ultimately ended their marriage. Another example is my best friend...she really wanted a dog. Her husband also wanted a dog, but he felt their timing was wrong to get one, but he never voiced that. So she got the dog after he said okay, and then he was always mad at her over things with the dog. They had more to their marriage that caused issues but the timing of getting the dog and not communicating efficiently about it was one of the standout things for me. So now because of these examples, I always try to make sure my FH and I are on the same page about everything, no matter how big or small it may seem. It just really showed me how important communication is and that the other person should always be taken into consideration because you may think it’s not a big deal, but it could be to them.
- Reply
VIP January 2019
Maggie · on January 26, 2021 at 12:14 PM
Flag

Hide content
My husband and I are both children of divorce. We learned, by example, to choose the RIGHT person to be married to.
- Reply
Master November 2022
Chrysta · on January 26, 2021 at 12:49 PM
Flag

Hide content
I have learned that it is important to create a safe space in your relationship. I’ve seen so many times people have been in toxic relationships full of jealousy, etc. and have felt the need to hide things from their spouses because they were afraid of the fallout that would occur because of it. I made sure to create that safe space with my fiancé from day one. We both know we can share anything with one another, even if it’s super difficult, and that we will never judge/be judged by the other, and will work together as a team to solve whatever it is. Because issues swept under the rug never get dealt with and eventually end a relationship.

I also learned that having babies do not make you happy, make a marriage good, or make your life feel fulfilled. Every single couple I know that just “couldn’t wait to have babies”, ended up being incredibly unhappy and unfulfilled in their lives and marriages because it wasn’t the fun fairytale that social media portrays. They placed unfair expectations upon their babies to make their lives complete. And when all the not so fun aspects came up, it really strained their relationships. I’ve definitely learned that having children is a huge responsibility, and should never be the basis upon whether or not you are happy or fulfilled in life. You have to become a person you love, create a strong relationship with your partner, and build a happy, fulfilling life before choosing whether to have children. Having kids should enhance your life.. not be your life.
- Reply
Master April 2021
Mrs. Spring · on January 26, 2021 at 1:37 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
You're absolutely right. Many people choose to have kids bc that's the "normal" thing to do. Whether you are religious or not, I love the story of the King with Four Wives: https://theflyingmantis.medium.com/king-and-his-4-wives-33099c834bce.

Too many ppl put kids or family first when really we need to put our inner self first.
- Reply
Master November 2022
Chrysta · on January 26, 2021 at 2:12 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
💯 You can’t rely on external factors to make you happy or whole within
- Reply

Master August 2019
Rebecca · on January 27, 2021 at 4:48 AM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment

As a child of divorce, oh, do I feel this!
My ILs are still going strong, but we learned MIL had a marriage before that ended rather quickly.
But my Ex - the one who was abusive and awful - was a lot like... my mother (gee, I wonder why).
DH is... omg, he is my father in so many ways, it's kind of hilarious. (No lie, I have an entire text thread that goes to *BOTH OF THEM* at once. Why? Because I'd text them separately, and get the *exact same answer* back *at the same time*. I was tired of the text echos!)
Mostly, it comes down to this - you need to understand the difference between being each other's main support system, and the only support system. The former is healthy and good and intimate, the latter is toxic and destructive. Trust, communication, and kindness are the pillars of being the main support system. Relying on the other person to be your happiness or your reason for being... are the tunnels undermining those pillars. (...Which the pandemic has made incredibly difficult, yay!)
So.
TL; DR: marry someone who has your flank.
- Reply