Well said Miss Manners!

Growing up in our Detroit neighborhood, it was not unusual to attend the wedding masses of our neighbors. This was done without an invitation--more of community support. We didn't expect to be invited to the reception. Obviously times have changed

I really like how MM worded this.

@Tina, my FMIL and both grandmother's have told me about doing this! They all grew up in Detroit, they have all agreed that it's not how it goes anymore though. She did a great job with this!

It wasn't just Detroit, we did it in Chicago, too. Any wedding ceremony in a church was open to anyone who wanted to attend.

You're right Sharon, all the old ethnic neighborhoods like those two cities had did this. The Italian weddings would have cookies and liqueurs for everyone before heading to church and the Polish had the "porch ceremony" with musicians.

Whereas I grew up in San Jose CA (total suburbia) and NEVER did such a thing.

I grew up in a tiny little "coal patch" village in Pennsylvania and everybody invited just about the whole town to their weddings because you knew everybody. As a side note, we weren't even a "village" till I was a teenager and one of my aunts had a baby--that made us have enough people to have a "village of__________" sign!

My sister's friend asked her if I was getting married in a church because she wanted to come to the ceremony. When my sister said no she asked if I was getting married outside so she could hide in the bushes to watch the ceremony lol. She'll actually be invited to the whole thing, but I thought it was really sweet that she really wanted to watch me get married even if she wasn't invited to the reception.

I had several co-workers ask if they could come to the ceremony. I said I was sorry but I didn't have enough space at the reception and they all said they didnt care at all. They just wanted to come see me get married and be part of the ceremony. A few even said they would love to come to the reception after the dinner to dance the night away. So that is what they are doing. I brought an invite for the one who originally said that and a few others were like "Where is mine?" so I brought one for them too.

I know everyone says this is wrong and bad and taboo but this is what they said they wanted to do. I wasn't going to turn them down. They are going to make a day of it, go to the ceremony, then out to dinner somewhere and then stop by the reception later on.

Barbara, please check your venue contract as having people come after dinner for the drinking and dancing part may invalidate it.

Still happens in Ireland , not unusual at all to get an invite for reception only. It's not insulting and no one takes offence. Just had it is back home

Beachie, at the weddings we attended in Italy, the whole town turned out for the wedding mass, actually walking with the bride and her family to the church. Then a fancy hotel reception luncheon by invitation which took hours upon hours to eat! Then back to the home of the groom's family for a huge buffet spread and dancing til the week hours that the whole town showed up for. So much fun!

This post makes me not feel like the bride from the freak culture. Whew. The Nigerian community in L.A and in Nigeria still do this and I'm freaking out because I'm marrying an American and don't want to freak out FH family and friends like why are there so many people and its just like Tina described. I have been to more weddings I haven't been invited to than weddings I have been invited to.

Olo. love love love Nigerian weddings and the sense of community they espouse!!!

Same thing still happens here. If a couple from our church (or even half the couple) are being married it is placed in the church bulletin the weekend before. There are a group of maybe 10 women who are at every wedding held at my church.

Leanne, a lady I work with and a group of her friends go to their church when there is a wedding to make sure the details are in order and to see if the couple and their families need anything. I call them the Mother Hen Society

Actually in the Catholic Church the couple has to make the ceremony public. It must be announced in the church bulletin 3 times before the wedding.

Gonefishes, exactly, the banns! We still have all three parish bulletins

I have a huge family and extreme anxiety. Which is a hard mix when it comes to weddings.

I am doing the big family wedding because it is important to my clan and they mean EVERYTHING to me.

However I am only doing my parents and his, our siblings at the ceremony and than the big reception with everyone after.

I explained, as nicely as I could that if I have a panic attack and pass out from having 300 people starring at me, I won't BE married, and that is the most important thing, that at the end of the night I am married.

My aunts were a little hurt, but they got over it. Its the only way I can manage this, and honestly I am not sure how I am going to handle the first dance, but I know I can't do 2 or 3, its too much.

(thinking about having everyone staring my hands are covered in hives)

My suggestion is that if it is important to her to have a small ceremony try to be supportive. This day is theirs after all, and the hurt feelings should be set aside for the love and support of the new marriage.

At the church I grew up in it was very similar, it was common for women (esp older women) to be at every wedding ceremony at the church. But these women were always very helpful. They'd gather the decorations and put them away & tidy up after the ceremony. Rarely were they just spectators. In fact there use to be a hospitality committee what would serve food, cut cake, help decorate, do light cleaning after weddings (all for free as a part of ministry) but they had to officially cut it bc too many church members would marry nonchurch members or nonchurch members would pay to use the church for their ceremony or reception.

In my culture, weddings are open invitations to everyone. Ceremony and reception. Parents will call their VIPs to officially invite them, but the date and location gets passed around and whoever wants to can show up.