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Just Said Yes June 2021

Weird bridesmaids situation

Maddie, on November 16, 2019 at 9:54 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 14
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So I’m in an awkward place with choosing this one girl to be my bridesmaid.
So my fiancé’s family has this girl that lives with them. She came from a rough situation and his parents took her in when she was like 16. She she wasn’t adopted or related.
She just got married and I wasn’t in the wedding (fyi this isn’t me being petty for her not putting me in her wedding, we don’t really know each other so I wasn’t mad at all) but my fiancé was because she thinks of him as her brother (but he doesn’t really feel the same way). Anyway, it’s my turn to get married and I don’t want to have her as a bridesmaid because I never really have hung out with her, we’re not close and I don’t feel obligated because she isn’t actually my fiancé’s sister. But here is where things Are awkward, my mother in law is going to expect me to have her as a bridesmaid because she has lived with the family and considers her family and as a “child”. But none of the other siblings really think of her that way. I don’t wanna piss anyone off but I feel like I shouldn’t have to have her in the wedding. I wasn’t in hers because she doesn’t see us as that close but my mother in law will want me to anyway. I already have 6 bridesmaids picked out and don’t really want anymore but I don’t want my mother in law mad because I didn’t put the “adopted” sister in the wedding.Side note: the girl didn’t really live at the house that much after high school, she went to college and didn’t really come back to often unless it was holiday or something. So I really never got to know her that well when I met my fiancé What do y’all think? And sorry this is kinda long and complicated

14 Comments

  • Kristen
    Super October 2020
    Kristen ·
    • Flag

    Nope. It is your day and do what you want. Tell your fh the plan in advanced so he can have your back just in case. The main reason can be you want people closest to you as bridesmaids and you already have 6. I do not think it is petty since you were not her bridesmaid why would expect to be yours. Do not feel obliagted...even if I were having a big wedding I would not have my SIL as my bridesmaid and we get along lol.

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  • Madelyn
    Savvy June 2020
    Madelyn ·
    • Flag
    I agree with Kristen. It’s your day and you should only have people stand up beside you if they’re the people closest to you. Sorry you have been put in this situation but your future mother in law will either understand it or get over it. Best of luck!
    • Reply
  • Destiny
    Rockstar May 2020
    Destiny ·
    • Flag

    Tell fh to talk to his mom about it if she insistes then she can be a groomswomen

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  • Alejandra
    Expert November 2020
    Alejandra ·
    • Flag
    I don’t think it’s necessary. Clearly this girl feels the same about you, so I don’t think there will be hurt feelings. If her feelings aren’t hurt, why would your fiancé’s mom’s be?
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  • Hilda
    Just Said Yes April 2020
    Hilda ·
    • Flag
    Congratulations on your engagement, and you shouldn't ever feel obligated to have her as a bridesmaid. Ask your fiance about it, doubt he would mind. Don't stress it's your day, not theirs. Enjoy your wedding!
    • Reply
  • Courtney
    Super September 2019
    Courtney ·
    • Flag
    You shouldn’t feel obligated to have someone in the wedding if you don’t want to. You and your fiancé both don’t sound close to her, why should she be standing next to you on the day? I wouldn’t ask her and if your FMIL asks why I would be honest and say you picked your lifelong friends.
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  • H
    Beginner May 2020
    H ·
    • Flag
    I don’t think you have to ask her at all! your BMs should be people who are close to YOU and matter the most to YOU, not your FMIL. If you really feel like you have to explain yourself, sit her down and just tell her your feelings, although I don’t think you necessarily have to explain yourself either. But if it will make the situation a little easier, then by all means tell her your reasoning.
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  • Cyndy
    Master May 2019
    Cyndy ·
    • Flag
    I agree with everyone else. No! You don’t have to have her. It’s your wedding! Hopefully your FH is supportive of this decision and can back you up if his mom questions it. If not he can have her stand with him. Make sure to stand up for yourself and what the two of you want when planning your wedding or it won’t be yours. Good luck.
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  • Sarah
    Devoted June 2020
    Sarah ·
    • Flag
    Can you think of another way to include her? Could she be a reader? There are ways
    To have her a part of your special day and “appease the masses” without having her as a bridesmaid
    • Reply
  • Cassandra7
    Super August 2006
    Cassandra7 ·
    • Flag

    Time to set boundaries for your future mother-in-law so she can get used to not getting to run your life. For example, don't have as a bridesmaid someone only your mother-in-law thinks should be in your wedding.

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  • Emma
    Beginner May 2020
    Emma ·
    • Flag
    This is harsh. But it’s your day. It should be exactly what you want, especially when it comes to the bridal party. You have to think of the festivities that come along with a wedding, would you feel like yourself around her? Would you be able to speak freely as you would with your girlfriends? I started out with 6 bridesmaids, lost one (no hard feelings, it was mutual; she lives too far away). Gained two and then just recently lost them as well. So now I am down to 5.
    You could always designate a task her to such as pass out programs, attend the guest book and let her dress coordinate somewhat with your bridesmaids dress and color.
    • Reply
  • Cristy
    Rockstar May 2020
    Cristy ·
    • Flag

    You're not obligated to have anyone in your bridal party. FMIL can just get over it. The people you pick for your bridal party should be your nearest and dearest in your life. The ones you can't imagine doing this without. You should never choose your bridal party out of obligation. It sounds like you and FH are on the same page about this, so I would just do what you want. If FMIL freaks out, FH can deal with her, and calmly explain that your bridal party is chosen, and that is the end of the discussion.

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  • Cher Horowitz
    Rockstar December 2019
    Cher Horowitz ·
    • Flag

    You don't have to ask her to be a BM! It's rude of anyone to expect being asked to be part of a wedding party. You're under no obligation. Let FMIL be offended. She's an adult who hopefully has the maturity to get over it

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  • J
    Super April 2020
    Jennifer ·
    • Flag

    You aren't obligated to have her, like you said! Pick your closest friends/relatives that you want beside you! Smiley smile

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