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Just Said Yes April 2021

Weddings Hurt

Emily, on January 12, 2021 at 8:36 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 8

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I did not anticipate how emotionally challenging this would be in a negative way...after years of attending everyone’s wedding and baby and engagement showers, and, of course, NEVER missing a wedding— I have extended family who I thought I was close to —opting out because they have a 7 day vacation, 4 hours away (doesn’t even require a flight) and don’t want to cut it short by a DAY. This includes an aunt, uncle, two cousins and their spouses and two kids. I can’t help but feel insignificant. Not one of them thinks my one in a lifetime wedding is a priority? This makes no sense to me and really hurts. I told my Aunt I understood because she took me off guard on a random phone call but I’m tempted to tell her I don’t. I just don’t want the drama or to risk becoming a “bridezilla”. Has anyone experienced family or friends who you have been there for every time just not showing up or prioritizing the most important event of your life?? Do you say something? Do you just let people hurt you? I never ever expected my aunt and all of her family would not attend my wedding AND their reason makes it that much worse.

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8 Comments

Latest activity by Pirate & 60s Bride, on January 13, 2021 at 12:10 AM

Master April 2021
Mrs. Spring · on January 12, 2021 at 8:40 AM
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Yes, I typically let it go. I usually agree with the quote, "you know who your real ppl are when you have an event," but during this pandemic one needs to be more patient and empathetic. Maybe a lot has changed in your aunt's life.
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Master November 2020
Kristen · on January 12, 2021 at 8:41 AM
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Yes. I felt like a good friend was like that for my pre wedding events even though I have been there no matter what for hers. I am going to chalk it up to COVID times but it still hurt. If you say something they will go on the defense. I think you have every right to feel hurt but honestly I treat it as I will treat you how you treat me. Maybe I am not the bigger person but I won't go out of my way for someone that won't do the same for me. I will say think of it this way, less heads to pay for and best to have the people that truly love you present.
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Master September 2019
Sarah · on January 12, 2021 at 8:43 AM
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No one is required to attend every event they’re invited to. While I can understand being hurt by their decision, I actually think their reasoning is valid. I wouldn’t address this with her, as that’s likely to make her defensive and lead to more strain in the relationship.

H had two decades-long friends who “couldn’t wait to attend” our wedding who ended up declining our invitation for a co-worker’s (his two friends work in the same place) wedding. Several of my family members didn’t attend, including a cousin who rsvp’d yes and then just didn’t bother taking the day off work. While it hurt, we still got to celebrate with those who truly wanted to be there and it was an amazing day.
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Master January 2022
SLY · on January 12, 2021 at 8:44 AM
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My first question is whether or not your wedding date was set before their vacation was. We've had to miss out on a close friend's wedding because we already had a vacation scheduled. That could be the case for them.
Your feelings are valid though. It's hard spreading yourself thin to please everyone and make sure you prioritize loved ones' special moments, and then not have the same reciprocated. Communication is always key, and hiding your true feelings isn't always the answer. I would be honest with them, and let them know that while you respect their decision, you're left feeling hurt because of xyz. You never know, their reasoning and/or vacation may not allow them to cut it a day short, even though it's a few hours away from your wedding location.
Expressing your feelings and being honest in a respectful way doesn't make you a bridezilla. It just means you're a human.
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Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on January 12, 2021 at 8:45 AM
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Sorry to hear that you’re feeling disappointed. Would saying something to your aunt truly change anything? I don’t think it would. Even if they do decide to change their plans and come back in time for your wedding, it’s not going to repair your hurt feelings. I would also try to keep in mind that vacations are planned and paid for months, even years, in advance. Did you send save the dates?
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Devoted August 2023
Hhh · on January 12, 2021 at 1:22 PM
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I can definitely sympathize with your disappointment and hurt feelings, but I also think your expectations are unreasonable. They have planned a big vacation (regardless of location, a week duration is significant) with multiple families/kids after a year when everyone has been stuck at home and anxious to get away - and you want them to change those plans?! You also may not know know why they picked those days (minimum nights for hotel, availability of activities, required to take consecutive days off from job, etc).
As just a guest, you often hardly even see the bride and groom at the wedding. If you truly will miss spending time with them on your big day, then maybe it is worth opening the conversation back up, BUT if it is more that you think they should be there even if their presence won’t have a big impact, then I suggest you try to just let it go.
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Champion December 2022
Michelle · on January 12, 2021 at 2:52 PM
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My first question is did you send save the dates?

Your feelings are valid but you will 2 things: people have their own lives already scheduled and can't change plans at the drop of a hat; and others show their true colors whether that is mean, manipulative, bullying, etc. Not everyone will be able to attend and others use it as a way to show their indifference to those around them.
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Legend March 2017
Pirate & 60s Bride · on January 13, 2021 at 12:10 AM
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I so get this. When I got married 2 of 3 friends from a very tight group told me AFTER they RSVP’d yes they couldn’t go (I was there for their weddings and those were destination weddings). One was tired, one was out of town. I absolutely shared how hurt I was and asked them to please make it to be there for my special day and because now that our group lived apart, it might be one of our few get togethers. They both came.

You can’t change their mind but it’s ok to express your hurt and sincere hope they would be there for your special day.
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