Weddings bring out the best (and worst) in people

Hello everyone,

i swore to myself that I wouldn’t make a multi paragraph post asking for advice on my familial relationships, but here I am, at my wits end, and needing some advice...

To make a long story short(er), my parents have been divorced since I was 9 years old (now almost 20 years ago). The divorce was messy when it happened; my 9 year old self and my 7 year old sister were drug into the middle of it and were asked to pick which parent we would prefer have custody. My mom wanted to move 6 hours away, and start a new life, so us being children opted to live with my father (and stay in our hometown with all of our friends... because that is what matters when you are 9). I am under no impression that I know all of the details around what happened between them, but at this point in their lives, they are completely amicable and friendly towards one another.

My fathers side of the family, however, despise my mother and her side of the family, even to this day. My grandmother and aunt in particular feel as though they had more responsibility in raising my sister and I then my did, and are very against the relationship that we have with her.

I love my grandma and aunt dearly, and totally understand the time, love, and dedication they put into my sister and I when we were younger.

but at the end of the day, I love my mom. We have a great relationship, and she is my mother. End of story.

Fast forward to the wedding planning process:

my FH and I decided before even getting engaged that a DW wedding was something we wanted. A vacation with family and friends to celebrate our love sounded just perfect.

However, with that decision, I knew that there would be those who could not attend for various reasons, and that is completely fine. My grandmother and father are among those who ultimately decided they could not make the trip.

Come to find out, my grandmother and aunt have been harboring hurt feelings around the fact that they are upset that my mother is invited and that we chose to have the wedding in Jamaica (my mother lives in the Virgin Islands, so they believe we chose the destination to be closer to her, and to exclude them).

This has led to every single person on my dads side of the family declining to come to the wedding, and any Pre-wedding festivities like our engagement party and my bridal shower.

I recently sent my grandmother a very lengthy and heartfelt message (she has hearing problems, so has a hard time speaking on the phone) about our reasoning for wanting a DW wedding, apologizing for any hurt feelings, explaining that was far from our intention... etc. it has been three weeks and I have still not heard anything back from her.

I am at a loss for what to do anymore. My dad is understanding of the DW, but I am having a hard time with all of the “talking behind my back”, and negativity without the willingness to talk, from that side of the family.

I love them and want to include them, but I am not giving up having my mother there.

If you read through all of this, I thank you. Does anyone have any words of advice or encouragement?

It has been very hard to get past.

Thank you ❤️