So, this is going to sound odd, but I hate asking my dad for anything because of my step-mom. However, I figured for the wedding I would ask if he wanted to help with anything (him and his wife of course). For context my step-mom takes the utmost pleasure in yelling at me when I ask my dad for something as small as a donut from Dunkin Donuts. However, it’s completely okay when he son asks my father for $300 for something as stupid as clothes. Anyway, my fiancé suggested we ask my dad and step-mom for help with some stuff. So in order to word it as if I wasn’t demanding something (because I’m trying not to, but I know sometimes I can sound like I am) I explained that I was asking because my in-laws are providing the venue, some alcohol, and rooms for some of the wedding party that they can accommodate, and my mother is providing the wedding favors and the centerpieces for the tables. So, I asked my dad if there was anything he and my step-mom wanted to contribute. He suggested I contact my step mom with suggestions for things they could contribute and I’m freaking out because I’m not sure what to suggest without triggering her. (I would also like to mention she only ever does anything like yelling at me for asking my dad for stuff when she’s really drunk, which is why my fiancé and I request my mother in-law only provide a limited amount). I’m not sure what to suggest at all without making it seem like I’m just after money! Because she always seems to think I’m just after money.
I dont think its really ever a good idea to ask people to contribute to your wedding, even if it is your parents! After all, money is so touchy and just because someone else wants to contribute doesnt mean everyone is in a position to give money.
No offense, but isn’t asking them to contribute toward the wedding, just asking for money? I personally wouldn’t ever ask anyone to pay for anything for my wedding. If they offer, that’s great and you can totally take them up on it, but you shouldn’t be asking for anything.
What do you have that still needs to be paid for? Make a list, and the cost of each thing, and you and FH should decide what, if anything, from that list you should ask for. As for who to ask, I'm confused about why your dad is sending you to your stepmom to ask for money. Is she the one who handles their household finances? Why is it her decision? He's your dad, and the way I see it is his daughter is getting married. If he can afford to contribute something to her wedding, then he should be making that decision. So, maybe tell him you are feeling a bit awkward talking to stepmom, simply because he's your dad. Then make some suggestions to him. Otherwise, if I had to ask my stepmom for money, I would just pay for everything myself.
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I asked him more if he would like to, not if he would do it. I didn’t by any means ask him to do anything, just asked if he was in the position to contribute anything and if he would like to. If he had said no I would have dropped the subject entirely.
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Thanks, I did ask him if he would like to contribute and he said they would love to, but suggested I suggest things to my step-mom that they could help out with. I’m just nervous to suggest anything because I don’t want to seem like I asked to get money out of them, I only asked because I figured they might want to feel a bit included with the others contributing thing.
The problem with that logic, though, is that if people want to contribute, they will offer. They don't need to be asked. So if you're afraid your step-mom will have a bad reaction to you asking for money towards your wedding, then you're right, she probably will especially if this is her way of handling such requests for even smaller items. This could have even been a strategic move on your dad's part to pass the buck to her knowing that she will react badly and say no. This way he comes out the good guy.
Send her a message that states you asked your dad if they would be willing to contribute anything to the wedding and he told me that you guys would and to send you some suggestion. Then give her a list of maybe the least expensive like cake, or table linens or something but make sure you have the cost with it because i don't think she will be ok with just cake and then finding out later its $400. Honestly please don't let her think she can yell at you drunk or not. If she wants respect from you then she needs to earn it. IDC if they are blood relatives or my parents, they know better than to yell at me like child because I will stand up for myself and get loud back if needed. Don't put up with that S%$#. If she tries to say oh we will think about it or look into it then cut your loses and don't ask them for other but showing up on the day. Good luck, Stand up for yourself because if shes doing this now believe she will do it in front of your kids. You need to talk to your dad about her yelling its not right.
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My dad is unfortunately one of those people that even if you tell him something will keep his mouth shut. I’ve told him many times about her yelling at me and how I don’t like it, but to put it bluntly he has no back bone. I believe my step-mom manages a lot of their finances as it is, which is probably a good thing if anything my mom said about when they were married is to be believed. I was considering something small like the decorations (lights and table linens) as well as any tables they might have laying around so that we don’t have the rent tables and chairs. I know they won’t have a problem with the tables and chairs because they already have those, atleast I know she won’t complain about those. I guess I should find some comfort about the wedding though because my mother in-law already promised me that if my step-mom tried to yell at me for anything she will immediately make my step-mom leave since it is her house.
I don’t see any problem with asking for help if you need it. Weddings are so expensive and we don’t all have the luxury of being able to pay for everything ourselves! Plus, if they arrive at the wedding and realize that everyone else helped out, they may feel put off if they didn’t realize others were contributing. Basically, I’m just saying I support you; you’re not asking random friends or family members here, it’s your dad and step mom.
Anyway! I would suggest thinking of something special that you still need and asking if they would be able to help because it would mean a lot to you and your fiancé. Maybe the cake (or whatever desserts you are planning on)? My fiancé’s parents helped us with our cupcakes and our wedding bands and they felt really happy about contributing in that way. Plus the bands are so special because you will wear them forever.
Step-parenting is the hardest. And for her to behave the way she does is not fair but it is your reality. I would have the same conversation again with your dad with her there so that you dont have to have a 1 on 1 conversation about it. Or.... just let your dad decide. Maybe your dad doesnt realize how uncomfortable that conversation is. I know my Dad would have said the same thing. And my relationship with my stepmom is ok.... but i would not feel comfortable asking for money. My dad recently passed away and I was very surprised when my stepmom found out we were getting married. right away she offered to pay for our venue. I was shocked.... but she said my dad would have wanted it that way. Brings me to tears, I never asked for a penny but she offered.
Would it maybe go over better framing it as you want them to be involved rather than just asking them to pay? And picking something tangible that they can help with the process of so it feels less like just giving money. I think the cake is a great idea because that way you can take them to the tasting. You could also see if you can find something she likes, that may help her get on board a little easier. For example, my FMIL loves hobby lobby so she is eager to help with décor.
Either way I would make it clear that your dad suggested talking to her about how they could be involved and let her take a little bit of the lead in the conversation, just make sure you're guiding it in a helpful direction.
I would bring it up again when the two of them are in the same room. Say something along the lines of you spoke with your dad about the wedding and he wanted you to confer with stepmom about things. Your father shouldn’t send you off to talk to your stepmother whether you get along or not. He’s your father and should be involved even if it’s just to agree with whatever your stepmom says. I definitely think it’s ok to ask if they want to help out, but I agree with the others who pointed out that it may be more stress and aggravation than it’s worth.
I don't think it's ever appropriate (no matter how nice or polite you try to make it) to ask someone for money or a contribution. If they want to contribute, they will offer. Until then, plan the wedding you can afford and avoid the wrath of your stepmom.