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Just Said Yes November 2020

Wedding party dilemma

Lakin, on October 14, 2019 at 6:33 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 4

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I’m on the struggle bus with choosing my wedding party! Obviously my closest sister is in it and so are my two daughters (yes this is my second wedding but first to be planned) I plan on asking my best friend to be my MOH, but here is my dilemma: I feel obligated to have my future sister in law, a friend that I’ve been friends with for 20+ years who was my MOH at my 1st wedding and another friend that lives in another state, but feels like a sister.

As far as the out of state friend, she’s a single mom who doesn’t have a lot of extra money just laying around. So I don’t want any financial burden on her.

The future sister in law is married to my fiancé’s brother and cause many issues in the beginning of mine and his relationship. She and I are in a good place now, mostly because she decided I wasn’t going anywhere despite her attempts and that she just needs to make the best of it (this is my assumption)

The friend that I’ve had as a friend for 20+ years, I’m having a hard time even wanting to invite her to my wedding because I don’t want her husband there(he’s a drug addict—like big time and needs rehab). She and I have really drifted a part in the last few months.

I also have a step sister that is doing my hair and make up but I can’t help but wonder if I should have her in the wedding as well!

What do I do?!

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4 Comments

Latest activity by Sarah, on October 15, 2019 at 2:45 PM

Master May 2021
Cristy · on October 14, 2019 at 7:10 PM
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Ok. First, you're not obligated to have anyone stand up with you. Second, I believe that you should only have your nearest and dearest standing with you on such an important day. That eliminates FSIL for you! Let me remind you, you are not obligated to have anyone. You choose. Try to think of it like this: when you think of your wedding, who is it that you can't imagine your day without (besides FH, lol)? For me, it wasn't about a number, or even their title (friend, sister, cousin). It was about the women in my life who have been there for me always. The ones who love and support me no matter what. The ones who support my relationship/marriage. That's who I want up there with me. In my case, that happens to be 3 women: my sister (best friend), my daughter (other best friend), and my cousin.
You should NOT choose based on: what they can/will do for you; who they are in your family/FHs family; how long you have known them. I know a lot of women feel like they should ask the one they've been friends with 20 years. But that's not always a good choice. What is your relationship right now? Do they support your marriage? Are they there for you in good times and bad?
As for the out of state friend, you shouldn't assume she can't do it because she's struggling financially. She may decline for that reason, but if there's any way you can help her afford the dress/shoes/accessories, then I think you should. My daughter is one of my BMs, and she is a struggling single mom. I plan on buying her dress and shoes, so it doesn't cost her a fortune to be in my wedding. I worked that into my budget, so it's part of the overall wedding cost.
If you can't afford to do that for her, then at least have a conversation with her. Say something like: I really would love to have you stand up with me, but I know that it can be expensive to be in someone's wedding. I wanted to talk to you about whether or not you can see yourself affording to buy a dress/shoes, etc. Let her make the decision. You're still 7 months away, so it's possible that if you ask her soon, she'll have time to save up for the costs associated with being a bridesmaid.
Sorry this ended up being so long. I hope it helps. Good luck, and happy planning!!
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Devoted July 2020
Brandi · on October 14, 2019 at 9:29 PM
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Honestly, outside of your stepsister it looks like you really shouldn’t have any of them considering your concerns. First, I would say to give the single mom a chance to make that call for herself. You’d be surprise. So, she’s fine. I wouldn’t include FSIL unless you honestly think the relationship is genuine and you can see yourself years from now calling her a sister. Moreover, the friend with the drug addict husband... you stated you’ve two drifted apart. What would be the point?

Consider those who you love and love you the most and you couldn’t see your day without them there. I wouldn’t put people in my wedding party just because. They have significance and you have concerns or worries about them (except for their financial strains) than I wouldn’t make the suggestion to ask them. You’ll regret it later.
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WeddingWire Administrator January 2025
Sinéad · on October 15, 2019 at 7:41 AM
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Hi Lakin! Welcome to the WeddingWire community! It's so great to have you join us here!
To reiterate what the pps have already mentioned, You should not ask people to be in your wedding party out of a sense of duty. You should truly consider who you could not imagine your day without and that will tell you!
You still have time to figure this out!
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Dedicated May 2021
Sarah · on October 15, 2019 at 2:45 PM
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I think "less is more" when it comes to a bridal party. I think your sister and daughters are enough. Reserve your girlfriends front-row seats instead?
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