My wedding is next Saturday and I have had the worst luck the past week, I was sunburnt (fortunately it’s fading now), I got hurt (nothing major but I will probably go to a doctor after the honeymoon if it’s not healing, my lip just randomly started swelling up out of the blue like a bee bit me??, I got in a HUGE argument with FH over something kinda stupid.
I found out he was going to have to go to school for his job in the future and go on several business trips hours away (I have abandonment issues, he knows this, my family knows this, basically everyone it’s very obvious) he never told me this before I never knew about it and it just flipped me out, I told him I wanted to go with him and he basically told me I can’t because no one else brings their wife and they’ll be eating at steak houses and that made me really mad because the people he was talking about are legit snakes! You cannot trust them. They gossip gossip gossip but make 100k a year, I hate knowing he’s going to be hanging out with them I fear they will influence him over time because he’s around it so much.
So we argued and it resulted in a lot of cussing and slamming doors and he even called me evil at one point, then I grabbed my purse and keys and was ready to bolt, I felt like I didn’t know him atm, he stopped me and told me he said that bc he hates that I don’t trust him and it hurts him because he has changed so much since we met and became a better person, that it’s not fair for me to throw his mistakes in his face which I agreed was wrong on my part but, it was relevant to the situation, he asked why I didn’t have trust in him and I said I do but not as much as I’d like at this moment due to (this&this&this&that) then he asked me why we are getting married if I don’t trust him, and I didn’t even know what to say.
I love him with all my heart, he has hurt me in the past but he is a good man deep down, I know I should trust him and I mostly do but I have a lot of doubt when it comes to him being hours from me for weeks, that’s scary to think about because I know how the people he works with are, they take advantage of being away, they cheat on their wives and go to bars, he tells me about it cause they have invited him and he has declined several times (we don’t drink, and we don’t “hang”) so I was scared they would try something, I was mostly not trusting them.
I wrote him a very long and honest letter that night and he read it, things I can’t bring myself to say out loud, my fears, my insecurities, my issues inside. I told him everything. And I told him why I reacted the way I did even though I knew he wouldn’t understand, but he came and found me after reading it, I was cleaning and when I saw him his face was red and puffy and soaked in tears and he just hugged me and told me he knows how I am and he knows what I’ve been through, and that if I could’ve said that all out loud instead of saying things that didn’t make sense and walking away that he would’ve understood, but that he knows I can’t say things out loud (I break down and sob like crazy when I try), we just stood there in front the dirty laundry hugging for like ten minutes and I wiped his tears away and I apologized for not being clear and he apologized for forgetting what I’ve been through in the past, so that drained us both.
Then I found out 2 of my flower girls (nieces) won’t be at the wedding due to their overbearing mother, who refuses to let them experience anything unless it’s with her family or her girlfriends/boyfriends/other partners that don’t classify as either, that broke me, I really wanted them there.
Then we met with the preacher and it was awesome I love him but it drained me.
Then my car broke down in the middle of the intersection at a green light everyone was honking but I couldn’t do anything, I managed to get it to go 30mph to a tractor rental store and called my mom she brought gas then I went to a gas station and filled up, then leaving there my car completely spazzed out and I thought a wheel was about to fall clean off the car was jerking (wheel too) I lost control and went all over the road and then it stopped, I was trying to get off the road and when I barely touched the gas it flew and I went off the road, I got back on the road and it was going 30 again that’s all it would do, I was looking for somewhere to pull over traffic was crazy this truck was riding my tail and a car was in front me too, I was panicking, got Siri to call FH and told him my car is practically controlling itself, he told me to pull over in the next parking lot/yard I see, I pulled into a church parking lot a few minutes later. He arrived shortly after and we switched cars, I really didn’t want him to drive it but he insisted bc he wanted to see what it was doing, I followed behind him in his car and I saw him swaying and slowing down and speeding up and then he pulled in front someone’s house (asked them not to tow) and I pulled in front him. He said something is wrong, that it can’t be driven, we left and later him and my brother got the car and brought it back and okay, so like 9 months ago I told FH and my dad something was wrong. My dad and brother drove it and told me I was being dramatic. So I dealt with it, my car would shake and slow down and not stop sometimes and I just drove like that and did my best to control it, but that was way worse and they all finally witnessed it and believed me... yet still I was wrong my brother and dad said I must’ve been riding the brake or something , I lost it. Literally I threw my drink and I slammed the house door so hard a picture fell. I was beyond fed up, I was already stressed, I’d expressed my worry about the car several months ago whenever I got my license and had first driven it.
FH calmed me down and told me he knows I didn’t mess it up (he felt it before I even first drove the car), I told him I feel like I have no voice just bc im a girl. That’s how it’s always been I have all brothers and they all think I’m oblivious about cars and stuff, ok I don’t know how to fix a car that doesn’t mean I’m the one that messed it up?
So I have no transportation at all right now.
I was 3 days late but finally started my period yesterday, so I shouldn’t be on it on the big day, but I’m overly emotional, breaking out and so bloated.
I’m mentally and physically exhausted but can’t seem to relax, having nightmares and sleep paralysis which I’ve always had but it’s somehow worse now, I just feel like jumping off a bridge atm (I won’t)
I still have so much to figure out, so much to still do. And I am getting more nervous by the second. Our officiant (my favorite preacher, and friend) suggested a shorter vow to do because he knows how my nerves are (I get faint, oh gosh please don’t let me pass out up there!!!!!! That would be a disaster!!) I have social anxiety disorder which has improved over the years but it’s still very much there. I am hoping I can hold it together long enough to get through the ‘walking down the isle, saying I dos’. My brain is so fried I am certain I will forget something important!
Did any any of you forget anything the day of the wedding? How did y’all stop stressing and being overly anxious? I am desperate for comfort, I’ve been watching funny dog videos.. that’s my favorite thing to do when I’m depressed. It’s a cry for help lol
