Wedding invite confusion. Impolite?

That's because it wasn't. Most properly, each guest, including minor children, should be listed by name on the outer envelope if there is no inner. Likewise, children should be listed individually and by name on an inner envelope if one is used.

I'm not sure what you mean when you say you "let them." Let them what? Adult children should receive separate invitations to their own addresses. The phrase "and Family" is indeed confusing because you wouldn't address a couple that way, and your children are adults. In your place I would think your adult children were likely included, and they are just lazy or a bit clueless, but I wouldn't bet on it based on what happened last time. Before making any reservations or commitments I would recommend clarifying with the hosts.

"The XXX Family" is similarly vague, confusing, and not the proper way to address an invitation to a couple. Again, I'd contact your hosts.

Your niece didn’t go about this correctly. The XXX Family includes every member of that direct family.
I would explain that your children made travel plans based on the save the date.

I’m sorry, I misread twice. Too much going on today! The STDs should have been addressed properly, to you as a couple. The XXX family would have been confusing though not enough IMO to go on to make definite plans. I would have either contacted them or waited for the actual invitation. I think I got it right this time!

View Quoted Comment Thanks for all your insight! If it was not immediate family I’m not sure we all would have assumed saved the dates sent out that said our family name were for the whole family. But typically invitations for a couple just say Mr and Mrs Guest (especially in a situation where the bride and groom realize they are specifically not inviting people that would usually be invited I’d think they would be particularly careful to follow etiquette to avoid further issues). I also didn’t mention that the save the dates and invitations were both sent out last minute, so my one daughter in particular who had to book international travel felt she had no choice but to book that day. But alas, there are 6 cousins and spouses who will be flying in and doing their own mini reunion that weekend due to non refundable flights, and the bride and groom received several extra gifts from folks that they didn’t invite.

Sounds like the couple downsized their guest list after sending the STD's, which is a huge etiquette no-no. I don't blame you for being confused. That was really rude, and unfortunately that's what people will remember about their wedding.

I agree with the others, there are definite etiquette mistakes here. Honestly, I would ask your sibling (your niece's parent) what happened and why first cousins are now excluded. If they had an emergency and they downsized, then the proper way would be send cancellation cards to all, then appropriate invites to the new event even if date and time were the same.

View Quoted Comment Does your niece realize that because of the way the save the dates were addressed that flights and hotels and gifts were purchased? She's obviously not obligated to invite them but if I made save the dates that vague and found out all of these arrangements were made so they could attend I would do everything within my power to figure out a way to have them at the wedding.

View Quoted Comment Completely agree with this. It sounds like the couple had originally intended to invite everyone, then decided to cut down the guest list before sending out invites. Super inconsiderate on their part, and completely understandable why you were confused.

No that was not handled correctly. But nothing that can be done at this point. “The Jones Family” is when the invitation is sent to the parents and under-18 children. Children who are 18+ get their own invitation, regardless if they live at home or have since moved out. However because the save the date was listed to the entire family, the couple made a bigger faux pas by not sending invitations to everyone by name who received a save the date. At this point, there’s nothing you can do or say to them. Hopefully someone in the planning stages will learn from the lesson by doing the correct thing.

They might have originally intended to invite everyone but it’s also within the realm of possibility they intended X Family to apply to anyone living in a single household, and not adult children who live on their own. It was obviously confusing and incorrect. As I said, I would not have made nonrefundable travel plans on this basis without confirming.