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Just Said Yes July 2020

Wedding Guest Dilemma!

Sarah, on January 8, 2020 at 3:01 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 7

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I need some advice. I have a very good friend who I’ve known since high school, and I am planning on inviting her to the wedding, but she is in a really bad relationship. The man she’s with is borderline abusive, they have broken up probably close to 50 times in the three years since they started dating, but he has always manipulated her into staying with him. Some of the things he’s said and done to her are really terrible, and she knows that I will always love her but I don’t support their relationship at all. I absolutely do not want him at my wedding, however, I feel like she might expect me to invite him because they’ve been together for so long and I know him through school as well. I don’t want to hurt her feelings, and I’m afraid that she’s going to be mad at me for not inviting him, especially if they’re in a “good place” at the time of the wedding (even though that never lasts for them). She is one of my best friends and I really want her to be at my wedding, so I need to handle this as kindly as possible.

Any advice is appreciated!

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7 Comments

Latest activity by Maggie, on January 8, 2020 at 4:07 PM

VIP August 2021
Jennifer · on January 8, 2020 at 3:08 PM
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I don't think you have to invite him, but I would be honest about it if your friend asks why! I definitely would not want someone like that around at my wedding!
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Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on January 8, 2020 at 3:09 PM
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If he is truly abusive, it’s likely that not inviting him is only going to make things worse for her. That’s obviously not your intention, but this is her relationship. Unless you or your other guests are in danger from him attending, I would invite him.
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Legend July 2019
MrsD · on January 8, 2020 at 3:11 PM
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I agree with this. I doubt she would be allowed to go by herself and not inviting her boyfriend would cause more fights/abuse.
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Master January 2015
null · on January 8, 2020 at 3:12 PM
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If she's one of your best friends and they've been together for three years, I would invite him unless you think he's a loose cannon and can't be trusted to behave during your wedding or something like that. I had a similar situation with a friend of mine. She and her baby daddy are on and off again all the time, basically only keeps her around when he doesn't have another girl to sleep with. Aside from sleeping with other girls, he constantly kicks her and their son out of their house and is just all around a terrible person. I hung out with the two of them once at their house and he was such an obnoxious and horrible drunk, I knew there was no way he was getting invited to our wedding. I sent her the invitation and she asked if she could bring a date and I told her no because of our venue limitations (which is partially true) and she didn't seem bothered by it. I'm all for the etiquette of inviting couples as a unit, but I definitely don't buy into it being a rule across the board. But unless you can make it about your budget or venue capacity, you may just have to bite the bullet on this one.
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Just Said Yes July 2020
Sarah · on January 8, 2020 at 3:29 PM
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He’s never threatened her or been physically abusive to her, he’s just really terrible when they fight, like he says awful things with malicious intent just to hurt her. I don’t think he’s dangerous in the sense that he would physically abuse her, even if she came to the wedding without him. He’s just a toxic person, and I don’t want to be condoning their toxic relationship in any way by inviting him to my wedding. I would just feel uncomfortable with him there and I don’t think she would get to enjoy the night as much if he was there, but I’m afraid she won’t see it that way.
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Master September 2019
Sherry · on January 8, 2020 at 4:04 PM
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I would invite him. Regardless of their relationship or how you feel about it, they are still together and come as a pair. Never know, they could be broken up again by then.
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VIP January 2019
Maggie · on January 8, 2020 at 4:07 PM
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With the additional details you have provided, I really do think you need to invite him, if you want her to attend. Not liking someone (no matter how justified) isn't a reason not to invite a dear friend's longterm partner. Threats of violence to you or your guests WOULD be a valid reason not to invite him, but you have stated that is not the case.

I don't think you need to worry that inviting him means you "condone" the relationship. If you are really close, she probably already knows how you feel about him. If you really want her to attend, you need to respect her choices, even if you don't agree with them. She is going to need your support some day if she ever leaves this relationship and if you cause a rift by excluding him from the invitation, she may not feel comfortable coming to you for that support.
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