Wedding guest attire/ Adult only reception

I put at the bottom of my invitations:
Adult Only Event
Formal Evening Attire Everybody thankfully got the hint lol

You cannot tell people what to wear because it is rude. Guests are not props. Many people do not view black as appropriate for a wedding. If you go ahead anyway and tell them to wear something specific, they will wear the opposite out of spite and they are not in the wrong.


14 is a random cut off. There is no way to do this without offending guests. If you said no one under 18 (the only way to do that is not list kids' names on the invite) then there will be less backlash.

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Thank you, I might try that and hopefully, people will understand.

You could maybe say “Black tie encouraged” at the bottom of your Save the Dates, but I’m not sure if there’s a way you can specifically ask of everyone to wear black. As for the age cutoff, I think it’s more appropriate to just only address your Save the Dates to certain members of the family to avoid any confusion, or maybe saying reception is limited to adults only.

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I know I can't tell people what to wear and they are not props your reply was not helpful at all. I just needed help figuring out how to ask them. but THANK YOU FOR YOUR OPINION.

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I only did save the dates for the bridal party. I was thinking when I send the invitation I would put the attire on it. Also if I do a website I can put the attire code on it. Thank you for the idea about the age cut off.

View Quoted Comment There really isn't anything you can say to them about it though.

I would put the dress code on your wedding website and spread it through word of mouth. On your site you can say something like this is an all black affair, black suits and dresses are encouraged. But there's no way to truly enforce it. There will likely be people who either forget to wear black or wear a color other than black on purpose because they don't agree with you.
For the kids, again website and word of mouth. Start telling parents asap, so they can plan for it and aren't surprised when they get your invitation. Fair warning, parents will push back and talk crap, but stand your ground. I have a cut off of kids under 10 and some parents were insulted that I didn't want their kids at my wedding. One thing to note that I've seen on other posts is to make sure you don't break apart families. E.g. you shouldn't allow a family with a 15 year old and 7 year old to only bring one child.

Like the one girl mentioned, your guests aren't props for photos so you can ask then to wear black, but I don't think there is really a way to enforce it unless you plan on having your guests turned away at the door if they don't follow your instructions which would be extremely rude. You can certainly put on your invites or wedding website that black attire is encouraged, but that doesn't mean people will listen. The other issue is they might wear black but then have colorful accessories like a green tie, silver purse, or red shoes.

As for age, I think it is better just to say no children period rather than an age cut off. We had an adults only reception. We had a question on our FAQ page on our wedding website that said while we love everyone's children we have decided to have an adults only reception. We also made sure to address our invites to specifically who was invited. For example, Mr. Smith & Ms. Jones. We also put on the reply card that X number of seats were reserved in their honor.

Unless you are having a true black tie event (not as in attire, but as in formality), then according to proper etiquette the attire is not supposed to be listed on the invitation. The good news is that you can definitely list your attire on the wedding website. I would write something along the lines of "all black encouraged." Now I don't think there will be a way to reinforce it (some people may forget and show up in other colors), but you can certainly highlight on your wedding website that wearing all black is encouraged. I agree with the others that 14 is an odd cutoff and you would be better off doing adults only. You can simply address the invitations only to the names of those invited and then you won't have to deal with explaining 'adults only' to anyone.

Don’t force your guests to wear all the same color. As a guest, it would seem rude and awkward. If pictures are that important, tell your immediate family only and see what they think. But really it’s not that big of a deal.

Hi Stephanie! For the kids, we wrote on the RSVP card “We have reserved x seats in your honor”. So the parents would see if 2 seats were in their honor, means their spouse only. My fiancé aunt helped me (she is very polite, goes to a lot of upscale events and knows how to graciously do everything) and she told me how to do it. Plus if anyone has an issue, just let them know with covid, it’s difficult for little ones to understand social distancing and you want to ensure everyone is safe.
For guests to wear black, I would begin by spreading word of mouth black is encouraged and place on your website. I have found talking to the matriarch of each family unit (grandmother, aunt) is a good place to start and they are good at spreading the word within their unit. 👍

There is no polite way. It is fine to let people know the general formality of an event. But it is considered very rude to ask or tell any guests, or your family members, what color or style of clothing. You say you want them to make your vision come true. These people are coming to see you get married, a social and emotional bond. It is rude to treat a guest like a movie extra, or model, or actress or prop.
Film makers pay professional actors to carry out their visions. But your photos, videos, or show are not more important than your guests. And it is wrong to expect them to follow your every whim. Wedding Day does not mean day for bride to get every thing her heart desires, reasonable or unreasonable. Guests are adults, who choose their own clothing. It is not for you as host to do.

You and your future spouse absolutely have full control over what you both wear, so matching your decorations and your photography vision is perfect for the two of you.

And of course you have control over what your bridal party wears to a certain extent (control isn't really a nice word among friends, but as long as you respect their budgets and body types/comfort level), you can ask them to wear black to match your decorations and your photography vision.

But for guests (including family not in the wedding party), you can hardly expect to exert control over clothing. Everyone else has already covered the rudeness of treating your guests like props, but I just want to caution you against focusing too hard on having everyone match your decorations and your photography vision. That is setting you and them up for disappointment. Read every wedding "back and married" post here, and bride after bride says, "Don't worry about the details; focus on you and your spouse and just enjoy the day!"

TBH there isn't a way to enforce the color that other guests wear. You can say that wearing black is encouraged on your website but I don't see how you'd enforce. Sorry

This (the attire request) is not an appropriate request.

I’d put on your website as a suggestion or request, and pass by word of mouth.

For the kids thing, we put "adult only reception" on our invitation and website.
Basiclaly we are doing no kids because we want everyone of enjoy themselves not worrying about their child. Our venue is at a hotel so the idea is that nobody will bring their kids, and those who do they are only at the ceremony (but most of our friends have kids under 5 so we expect them to just leave them at home). And then for those with the older kids who want to be there (mainly my cousins), we plan to send them away to a room with a couple of pizzas (and they'll have more fun anyways). Hope this helps!

Thank you to everyone who helped me figure out what to do with this topic. Some of the comments were just what we needed to hear like I mentioned it wasn't an easy subject to bring up to our guests. It was great reading all the different ideas, moving forward I think we know exactly how to address them.