wedding gift ettiquette

There is no "proper" dollar value for any gift. It's a GIFT!! It is totally up to the discretion of the giver. They give what they want and your only job is to be grateful.

No you should not ask for money.

No you should not be upset with anyone for not gifting you.

You seem to be overly concerned with gifts.

Not really overly concerned...just curious... I know that the people that are coming to my wedding are spending thousands of dollars since it is a destination wedding just to be a part of something great and to me that is awesome...We did not have a shower, and some people have given gifts already on their own accord.. and i am grateful.. i was just wondering how wedding gifts work really and I had thought that if people didnt attend the wedding or couldnt attend they sent gifts... Like my cousin is getting Married in September and I cannot attend so what would be proper?

Like Emily said, there are no rules as far as gifts go. Your guests are not required to give a gift. That's why it's called a gift. If they give a gift great, if they don't that's okay as well. As far as asking for money this is in poor taste and you should never do so.

I personally don't think you should EVER ask for money. Every person has a unique situation and therefore should be able to contribute whatever they wish and you should accept with a smile.

I am guessing you are having a destination wedding? If so, I wouldn't expect a gift. I believe their gift is making plans to take off work, paying for airfare, rooms etc enjoy your big day. That is a HUGE commitment for people. In the past, I gifted the couple during their shower before the destination wedding. I bought something reasonable...maybe $50ish.

If someone is not coming to your wedding, they do not have to give you a gift BUT most usually still will. They will likely give you a gift at your shower or send you a gift/money. Again, proper gift size/amount will vary on the person. My rule of thumb is $50 shower gift and $100 (if we go as a couple) in cash at the actual wedding. We had people who gave way more and people who gave nothing (but I was just happy they attended)!

If you do not receive any gifts you should still send out Thank You notes to all of those folks who travelled to your wedding. At the end of the day, getting married isn't about getting an extra pay day, it is about the love and commitment that you are forever sharing with your spouse.

I hope you have a fabulous wedding and don't lose sight of what is most important!

I may be biased when it comes to wedding gifts.... but if you can't have a large $$ amount (like FH and I while we're in college) I go for sentiment as well. For example:

My gift (and FH because usually I'm the gift buyer) to my FCIL wedding in one week only really cost like $50.... white owl cookie jar and matching white owl salt and pepper shakers.... but I know she adores owls (obsessed) and I also made her cake toppers of hedgehogs (her other absolute favorite)

Attached is the cake topper.

We have 22 people attending our destination wedding.. we have purchased gifts for everyone in our wedding party, My FH bought the hats for all the guys and for my girls I purchased handmade silk tunics... We are very grateful for everyone that are coming to our wedding please don't perceive what I said wrong or distasteful.... i was curious. we asked for monetary donations on our wedding invitations in lieu of gifts because we already own our home and have all the appliances we could stand.. we actually want to remodel... most of FH family lives out of state as does mine and it is his family that is coming to Jamaica.. I have NO family coming.. we did not have a shower because all of his family are coming but for a small few...we have never done this before so I just wanted to know how it works.... Like I said I invited my cousin to my wedding and she is not attending mine and i am not attending hers but i feel obligated to send her gift even if she doesnt send me one...

My FH and I are having a destination wedding and we stated on our website that we did not register for gifts. We hoped they can come & celebrate with us (98% are coming!) but if not possible to please send us a recent photo to put in our wedding album.

We thanked them for their love and support and the positive influence they have had in our lives.

Like Emily said, a gift is totally up to the person giving it. It is always rude to ask for money in invitations because a gift is never required for a wedding (it's different for a shower, where the whole point of the shower is to give gifts so it's okay to mention a registry). Also, did you phrase it as "money donations"? That seems weird to me. They're not donating to a charity, they're giving you a gift.

Simply, people give what they can afford and are willing to give. I hate the "cover your plate" nonsense. I'm not giving a gift that's almost as much as my mortgage just because a couple's parents are paying for the wedding and went all out. I usually take into account how much I can afford (and I will usually budget for a gift) and how much I spent on travel. So for a DW costing thousands, I'd probably still give a gift but it wouldn't be very large honestly. I just don't have that much money.

If I don't attend a shower/wedding, I will still send a gift if I'm close to the couple. But we just got invited to a wedding for my FH's neighbor from his home town who I've never met and he hasn't spoken to in 10 years--wyeah, I don't think we're sending them a gift. I don't think there are any hard and fast rules. You give what you feel like giving and can afford.

You should not have requested "monetary donations" on your invitation. It is just rude. People don't need to be told to give money - they know they can give it if the choose. And for a destination wedding, guests are already spending thousands to attend. Many couples having DWs expect NO gifts because their guests are already spending so much.

Regarding your other question - there is no obligation to send a gift if you aren't attending the wedding. It's personal preference.

Why do people care so much about the gifts. Not one of these questions should be concerning to anyone unless you're getting married for the presents. None of it matters at all.

I don't see why someone who is getting married because they are in love with their SO and want to make that commitment would get upset about not receiving a gift. It's not about the gifts. Just like the ring isn't about the size but the commitment.

There is no proper amount. If they are attending a destination wedding I think their gift would be there presence since they are paying a lot of money to attend. Those who couldn't might send you a gift, gift card, cash, but they are not obligated too. Gifts are optional.

Making the suggestion on your invitations (rude) assumes that people are bringing/getting you a gift. If they do - great, but asking for money is uncouth. It comes off as - I'm spending all this money on you so you need to return the favor regardless of if they are spending a lot of money to attend. You don't know everyones financial situation - some people can appear to have it all, but in reality don't. Now you've added extra pressure to those attending and those not.

I wouldn't expect many gifts from your wedding given it is a destination wedding. If you receive them it will be the givers choice, and they will give what they are able. Do not count on using any gift money to pay for your wedding.

Regarding your second question , send s gift to your cousin if you are able, of what you are able to give.

Date Twin... When it comes to gift giving for weddings it's up to what the person who is attending or not attending can afford. Sometimes it's close to the price of the plate in which they are receiving and sometimes we as brides go overboard in planning and most can't touch the amount of the plates. Most people these days refuse to make the gift giving something they have to go in debt for. Many wish they had more to give and just can't. Never expect it and then it's awesome when it happens as a bonus. Just give to your cousin what you can afford that's all. As for your wedding and what you receive it's just a bonus!!

Hey Traci,

I personally wouldn't ask for monetary donations. There are other ways to go around receiving traditional gifts. We registered on honeyfund.com where people can give you money towards your honeymoon. You can also register for gift cards in lieu of gifts.

Side note:

Most of us on the forums have never been married before, and I haven't been to many weddings in my life. Etiquette adivce is something that I have had to rely on all of the amazing WW Brides for. I am seriously upset that people are attacking Traci. We should be supporting her and answering her questions without being so rude and judgmental. Please, be mindful what you say. Personally, I would be very hurt by many of these comments.

When i was doing the invitations it said to put on there where we were registered...we didnt "register" so we said we money would be appreciated... and those who have already given have given cash/checks gift cards...i have been grateful for what was given..i have already sent out thank you cards to those who have already given.. we didnt have a shower...understand we are older..not 20 something's just starting out...i'm NOT concerned i was just asking a couple questions.. i think people read it wrong!! Thank you Brandi for your side note!

Yea that wasn't a good move to ask for cash. They are spending a lot of money to attend your wedding so that was a gift in itself. If you need cash to remodel etc a wiser choice would have been to not have a destination wedding.

No one read it wrong. You asked for money on your invitations and you should not have. Registries are not supposed to be listed on the wedding invitation and neither are requests for money. It doesn't matter if you're older. It doesn't matter if you have "everything" you need. None of those things make asking for money ok. But it's already done, so too late!

Yikes. Not sure where you read that it said to put where you are registered on your invitation because you are never supposed to include ANY information regarding registries, gifts, etc on your invitation. That comes off as rude. I've always assumed if you are having a destination wedding, your guests "gift" to the married couple would be their presence at the wedding. Think of the costs involved in order to travel to attend your wedding.

Warning: I didn't read all of the responses.

My thoughts about gifts…

1) I'm going to two out-of-state weddings this year, both requiring me to spend money on airfare and hotel. I am giving a gift to both, but not as big as I would if it were local. I believe one will have a shower here, so I'll give her a $50 present to that, but not at the wedding (I don't want to fly with it - it's a destination wedding). As for the other, I'll have a $100 gift sent to her house. Why more? Because FH and I are going to it and he's a groomsman. Plus the second wedding travel will cost less so we can use the money there.

2) I do not feel obligated to give a gift if I was invited but can't go. And most the people who RSVP'ed no didn't give us a gift. It's all good.

3) If someone asked for cash only, I honestly wouldn't give it. I was raised that you give presents to help the couple out. Cash towards a wedding or a honeymoon doesn't do either, in my opinion. So if you asked for cash, you'd get a BBB gift card so that you can use it on something for your house. If you want remodeling and I knew that, you'd get a gift card to Lowe's or Home Depot.

4) There were a few who didn't give us gifts. That's ok. I didn't get married for the presents. Don't get me wrong - I like presents, but I'm still going to be your friend if you don't give me one. I had a few tell me they were going to, but it still hasn't happened yet and I'm still their friend.

5) I didn't get any gifts from my bridesmaids - and I think we only got two gifts from the groomsmen. Honestly, that surprised me. I wasn't expecting any gifts from my bridal party - they're spending enough and doing enough that I would feel weird if I did get a gift from them.

Edited because spell check was stupid. :-)