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September 2019

Wedding Gift as a Best Man

Jason, on March 13, 2019 at 7:58 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 12

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*I'm not sure what category this would fall under so I apologize if I've posted in the wrong section*
So I am the best man for my friends wedding. It's an honor since we've been friends since childhood and have been among that rare group that have been able to maintain our friendship throughout our life into our mid 20s. That being said, I'm in a bit of a situation where I don't want to offend him and his bride. As the best man, I of course am responsible for planning his bachelor party. We're not going to Vegas or anything wild like that, but it will still cost me a couple hundred dollars. It doesn't seem like that much but throw in the traveling expenses, 3 nights at a hotel, the tux rental, and the wedding dinner/drinks for both myself and my girlfriend, it all adds up. On top of that, the wedding party has asked for financial donations instead of physical gifts. I'm not in financial trouble but I am trying to save up for a house, wedding and family of my own in the next few years. My question is essentially: Would it be rude of me to not donate any money? My girlfriend believes that it would be fine considering how much I'm already going to invest in the event, but I'm not so sure. I don't want to insult my long time friend and his wife, nor do I want to be seen as cheap. If I don't give them money, should I explain to them why or should I simply not donate and hope they don't notice? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

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12 Comments

Latest activity by Jolie, on March 14, 2019 at 1:07 PM

Champion October 2018
Kelly · on March 13, 2019 at 8:06 PM
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I think it’s fine to not give anything, gifts aren’t required for a wedding and the wedding party spends a lot. I’m confused when you said you have to pay for wedding dinner and drinks though?
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Legend March 2017
Pirate & 60s Bride · on March 13, 2019 at 8:07 PM
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Because of the costs of being in the wedding party, I believe a card with a heartfelt message to them both is fine as an extra wedding gift since it sounds as though you’re covering your tux rental, which is part of your gift (being there is another part).

What are the traveling costs for? The wedding? If so, a card is definitely fine.

What are “wedding dinner/drink costs?” If the couple is asking the wedding party to pay for their own dinner/drinks for the wedding that is a HUGE no-no on their part.
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September 2019
Jason · on March 13, 2019 at 8:19 PM
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It's a cash bar and the dinner is sushi, which will be covered. However, since the venue has its own restaurant, you can order something else but it will not be covered by the wedding party. My girlfriend and I are not sushi fans and will most likely order something else.
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Legend March 2017
Pirate & 60s Bride · on March 13, 2019 at 8:29 PM
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A cash bar is rude of the couple. And even more so to not cover additional food options for those who won’t/can’t eat sushi! Very poor hosting.

What are the travel expenses for?

Honestly, if I had to pay for my own drinks/dinner at a friend’s wedding AND my wedding party attire, it would be only a card as a gift and probably no bachelor/bachelorette party (or *maybe* pizza & beer out locally that I’d ask other groomsmen to help chip in for). And if asked, I’d explain wedding attire + wedding dinner/drinks and me being there = my gift.
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January 2019
MOB So Cal · on March 13, 2019 at 8:36 PM
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Between the likely costs you're going to have for food and drinks at the wedding, and the fact that the B&G have asked their wedding party for "financial donations" instead of gifts, if anyone is being rude here it's the bride & groom. First, they should NEVER have mentioned gifts and they certainly shouldn't have asked their wedding party for financial contributions for their wedding.... Paying for the wedding is their responsibility, not their friends'. Second, since lots of people aren't fans of sushi, they are making a choice about the menu that potentially isn't very considerate of their guests' needs/preferences -- especially since they expect guests to then pay for their own alternative meals AT THEIR WEDDING. If I were you, I'd give them a lovely card and wish them well. After all your other expenses, there shouldn't be any expectation of an additional gift.
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Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on March 13, 2019 at 8:58 PM
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Wow...this is really something. Not gifting is perfectly fine and it shouldn’t be expected from the couple, however, (I mean this in the nicest way possible) your friend and his fiancée seem a little...stingy. They may be offended by you not gifting, but if it comes up, just explain the financial contribution you already made to their big day. A nice card is more than enough.
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Super June 2019
Tiffany · on March 13, 2019 at 9:01 PM
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Wow. I agree that it is rude of the couple. All around poor taste. I am not a stickler for etiquette at all and this is rubbing me the wrong way hard.
A heartfelt card and your presence is plenty.
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Super April 2019
Emilie · on March 13, 2019 at 9:04 PM
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Our wedding party isnt paying for and parties or extras, and we tried our best to keep everything very inexpensive for them because they all have to fly from out of state and pay for hotels. So GM paid $75 for their attire and we paid for shoes, and BM paid $40 for their dresses and we paid for their petticoats and shoes. And we still have told ALL of them to please not worry about gifts at all cause of all the travel expenses! I would hope your friends would extend that courtesy to you!! I think its the least they could do!!
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September 2019
Jason · on March 13, 2019 at 9:25 PM
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Oh boy I appreciate the responses but I'm afraid I may have made out the bride and groom poorly. They're great people and a wedding gift is not demanded. However I have always been under the impression that not giving a wedding gift is rude especially if you're very close to the couple. The sushi I'm not a fan of and it has peeved some of the other guests but the bride wanted sushi and I see it as their wedding, their choice. But thanks everyone for offering your advice and letting me know that a gift isn't necessary especially in this situation!
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September 2019
Jason · on March 13, 2019 at 9:27 PM
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And the travel expenses involve the rental car to the wedding. He lives 6 hour drive away from me now but we still keep in contact regularly and meet up at least once a year.
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Legend July 2019
MrsD · on March 14, 2019 at 12:40 PM
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I think it's fine since you are putting so much in to the wedding. But if you are worried, you could even do $50 or something small? But since it's a cash bar & you have the option to pay for additional food, I just wouldn't contribute. You & your girlfriend can give them a nice card and that's it.
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Master October 2019
Jolie · on March 14, 2019 at 1:07 PM
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So for myself when I am in a wedding party I do tend to give a smaller gift than if it was just a friends wedding I was attending. Between myself and my FH we usually give one of our friends $100-150 (we split this). But when I am in a wedding party, I have always given a nice photo album with a card. Two of my friends wanted me to do their makeup (which was free) it wouldn't have been free if they hired someone, so again that was like my gift to them in addition to the photo album. Especially for women as bridesmaids we already gift the bride at the bridal shower also. From a man's perspective though, I would say it goes just the same. You could do a card for sure, and a very small gift if you wanted. Even though they are requesting money, a simple photo album or even nice frame would still be appreciated for their wedding photos or any upcoming honeymoon photos.
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