I don’t even know where to begin, but planning my wedding has been nothing but chaotic. I was so excited to get engaged some months prior, but now I’m not excited nor am I enjoying my engagement. My fiancé and I decided that we wanted to get married this year even though we got engaged in May. We didn’t want this whole wedding process to drag on for another year, and I didn’t want to combine the wedding with my graduation (I’m graduating with my master’s) next year. I also didn’t want to go through the planning process while I’m in school/working full time.
My dream wedding was to have an intimate forest wedding. I wanted a wedding where I would feel like a fairy or an elven queen haha. Me wanting it to be an intimate wedding would require not as many people. The problem is that I have a really big African family. I knew that it would be difficult for me to have the wedding of my dreams with a big family. My fiancé and I decided that we were going to compromise (we both didn’t want a big wedding in the first place) and have elope with just our immediate family and then have a reception that’ll have everyone else. I went to tell my parents that that’s what we wanted to do, and my mom freaked out at me. She told me that she would not be happy at my wedding if her siblings are not there. Then she started to give me all of these analogies on how would I feel if the kids of my siblings didn’t invite me to the ceremony and only the reception. All the guilt tripping made me start to give in. I have not felt any peace since. I am the oldest daughter that will be getting married. Being the oldest, I have felt like my life isn’t my own. I’ve done everything to please my family. I lost out on my childhood due to having to raise my two younger sisters, I went to a good college and got a degree in international business (even though I am not a business person), I waited until college to have a boyfriend because I wasn’t allowed to, and the list goes on. I am and have always been the obedient child/reliable child. Because I want to have a small ceremony, my parents are making me feel like I’m doing the most disrespectful thing because I’m going to upset other family. The crazy part is my mother has always put aside my happiness/wellbeing to keep the peace in the family, and I’m supposed to do the same. The sad part is my siblings (whom I’ve always had a close relationship with) have chosen not to support me. I feel os alone.
At first my mother was having me pay for some of the things for the reception. I couldn’t wrap my head around paying for something I didn’t want in the first place. She said that it’s not only my wedding, it’s her wedding too. She asked me if I’m excited for my wedding, and I told her no because it’s not what I want. She’s not listening. I told her that I want 120 max people, and she got mad and said that it’s not possible. She then said that the family is going to pay for the entire thing, so she’s going to invite all these people that has not been involved in mine or my partners life. They don’t even know his name. It’s going to be a total of 200+ people. Again, we didn’t want that in the first place. My partner has extreme anxiety when it comes to speaking in front of people or being the center of attention, and I have communicated it to my family. My family said that he needs to “man up”. They’re doing everything the opposite of what I wanted, and not the wedding is not about my relationship; it’s about them. All of this has taken a toll on my partner, and he said that he doesn’t want a marriage where I can’t stand up for us. He said that he can’t have a marriage where he feels second to everyone, and I agree with him. It’s not fair.
I guess the point of this post is that I feel extreme anxiety due to all of this, and I’m really scared to lay down the laws to tell them that we’re going to elope (or have a small ceremony with just immediate family). I have always let them walk over me and manipulate me, and I can’t allow it anymore. I do take some responsibility for not holding my ground, but I’m ready (just anxious lol). I just want to know if I’m crazy or not? Any advice?
