Wedding etiquette faux pas - Dear Abby

Abby's answer:

DEAR STAYING PUT: According to the rules of etiquette, because you don't plan to attend the wedding, no gift is required. However, in light of your more than 20-year friendship, consider sending a token gift to the daughter -- the price range is up to you.

Readers, there is a common misconception that the price of wedding gifts must be in line with what the hosts spend on the food and beverages at the reception. According to Emily Post, that is a "modern myth," and "the amount you spend is strictly a matter of your budget."

So tacky!

I saw this the other day and almost snarfed my cereal. Honest to goodness, if I was told my husband (or SO if I wasn't married) was not invited because of trying to "control the costs" I wouldn't be sending any kind of a gift at all.

Oh dear lord . I wouldn't go either. She implied what your gift should cost? Barf

I can't believe she told you how much you should spend on a gift! So tacky!

And then to "imply" that a gift should be a certain price? Holy moly.

There's a good one on Carolyn Hax too. March 24 column. Bride had a DW with just a few guests. The letter writer (a relative of the bride) wasn't invited. Relative sent a card and a bottle of champagne to Bride's hotel room, despite not being invited. Bride had a cookout/housewarming a few months after her DW, and the invite said nothing about the wedding. Relative showed up, and some people have brought gifts. Relative didn't. Bride is livid that Relative didn't "acknowledge her wedding properly."

@Zaz you can totally cut the guest list but not by splitting couples!

And yea, "here's what you're costing us so make sure you gift us that much." What?! I felt like I was reading a WW Bingo post, haha.

In the part of the country where I've lived for the past 9.5 years, I have heard of people turning down wedding invites because they don't think they can afford a gift that would cover the cost of their plate. I don't agree with this one bit, though "pay for your plate" is well entrenched in some circles in the Tri-State area.

The bride mentioned in the Dear Abby article is clearly beyond the pale. Gift her an etiquette book from Amazon.

@Runaway omg how rude can you get!

@Danielle I can understand a guest feeling bad about it, and it could certainly be a good rule of thumb if you can afford it, but it's so rude to actually ask for it!

Wow!

@Emma: I agree with you. I have heard of guests asking the couple how much the venue/caterer cost, however! Etiquette cuts both ways.

/tangent

Good lord, this is awful. I'd be so pissed if FH wasn't invited to a wedding and I was. She even didn't invite someone's husband?! How could anyone think that was okay?

@A&W, FH and I are a package deal!

Oh man, the whole "gift minimum" reminded me of a great story. A few years back, when I worked at a wine store, I had 3 customers come in with the same wedding invitation. It basically said that, for gifts, they only wanted 3 specific bottles of wine ($150-$250 price range), otherwise, don't bother with a gift. I think 1 guest bought the cheapest bottle, the other 2 walked out.

Wow so much of that brides actions were just rude. I would politely decline and not send a gift since she wasn't spending any money on me to come, since that seems to be her logic in cost of gifts.

@reirei are you serious? I would've sent them beer.

@emma 100% serious! They all brought in the card insert regarding gifts, so I read it with my own eyes! I had to stay professional, but I just wanted to tell them, "Get them a box of Franzia wine". One guy was just flabbergasted when I showed him the wines and their prices. Some brides man....

@reirei that's just nuts. Can't people just be happy that their friends and family are there celebrating with them?