Wedding Etiquette/ Bridal Shower

"According to tradition, a shower should not be thrown by the bride's immediate relatives, such as her mother, future mother-in-law, or sister, since it would appear that they were asking for gifts. The maid of honor or another good friend usually hosts, or several people, often bridesmaids, share the responsibility." -- Martha Stewart Unfortunately, today most weddings are so much LESS formal than even a decade ago, many women simply don't know what their roles are other than shop for a dress!

You're so close to your wedding date, my original idea is not feasible - which is, to give your MOH a book like "The Bridesmaid Guide: Modern Advice on Etiquette, Parties, and Being Fabulous", by Kate Chynoweth , which would tell her in plain terms that it's one of her responsibilities to do this!

Since you're so close to the wedding date, my recommendation is to have your mom, MIL, or an aunt call the MOH and tell her while she's *supposed* to do this, she will help her, and then make it a team effort with the BMs. You're cutting it pretty close, so this is not really the time to mince words. Your MOH can be the host, even if the party is held at a family member's house.

To save time, she should buy shower invites at Papyrus or Target or somewhere - she shouldn't bother to order printed ones, that's unnecessary and you don't have time. She should consult with you on the party, so this doesn't need to be a surprise.

I would also create the list of invitees - you do NOT invite every woman on your wedding invite list - you only invite those women and friends in your family and truly close to you, plus BMs.

It's unfortunate, but not uncommon, that BMs don't know they are supposed to do a lot more than just help you the day of... don't take it personally!

Please don't throw yourself a shower! Do you have bridesmaids, or a maid/matron of honor?

I am having 3 showers. 1 thrown by my moms friends, 1 thrown by my bridesmaids, and 1 from some of my mom and my mutual friends. At this point I think a Aunt, Mom, or someone else super invested in you would be best. If your friend is that person then great.

My mother ended up hosting mine. Though family "shouldn't" host it. If they want to thats on them. A lot of bridesmaids don't know how these things work.

No one is obligated to throw a shower. A shower is optional and is a nice gesture from anyone who *offers*. If no one offers, then unfortunately you don't have one. You never throw one for yourself. It is in very poor taste since the purpose of a shower is to "shower" the bride with gifts. You don't those a party for yourself to receive gifts.

This is not in the job description of a bridal party. If they want to do it, great. If not, you don't have one. You don't throw it yourself, and you don't ask your mom or MIL to do it either.

I can imagine it is a bummer to not have one, sorry. But as the other ladies have said, you can't ask anyone to throw you one or throw one yourself. Btw, a lot of us here are having our "first and only marriage" doesn't change the bridal shower issue.

Seeing as your wedding is in less than a month, I'm just going to break it to you that you are going to have to accept that it looks like you wont be having a shower...even asking your FMIL to host it just says to her that you are begging for a party to be thrown to give you gifts.

Its not a "required" wedding event and many people are opting out of having them.

Ah crap, I totally missed the "first and only wedding" comment too. [grumble grumble]

Yeah, looks like you're SOL about the shower. I'm not having one either [shrugs].

Thanks for the advice ladies.

Just an observation...

This thread is really interesting to me b/c I think it really opens a larger discussion about wedding etiquette in 2014+. The threads here are filled with 'bad etiquette' stories, of people who do not feel a need to RSVP, disagreements or disappointment over who's paying (or not) for the wedding costs or reception costs, Facebook horror stories, etc. And here we have a bride who isn't getting a shower, because no one stepped up to do it.

I hate to play the "when I was young" card LOL, but truly, it would never occur to me or anyone I know not to reply to a written invitation, or to show up to a wedding that I was not invited to - you just. don't. do it. Except, today, people do - and do not appear to feel bad about it, and also don't seem to have a problem thinking the wedding is for their pleasure, instead of the couple's marriage!

The fact that people are asking Richmond Wedding who's throwing the shower means there are people WILLING to do it - but probably just do not know what the etiquette is around the process.

So, I have to disagree with you for the first time, Celia! I *do* think it is the responsibility of the MOH to either host the shower, or rally the bride's friends/BMs to host it - or even family, if logistics require it. This was the way I was taught, and most bridesmaid/maid of honor guides speak about this. It doesn't mean the MOH or BMs must *host*, but the MOH is there to support the bride and help things go smoothly not only on the day of the wedding, but leading up to it.

However, let me be clear I'm not trying to slam Richmond Wedding's MOH or anyone else! This is a hazard of the way our culture's evolved with regard to weddings. Most of it is very good. The downside is just that our lives have become so informal, and work and personal relations have become so casual, that while the wedding *industry* has grown, people actually are less equipped to know how to get their friends and themselves from engagement to married smoothly.

Just my $.02.

Thanks, Rebecca. I'm not slamming any of my wedding party either. They're all young, and I'm sure don't know that they are the ones responsible for hosting showers. They tried to plan the Bachelorette party, and it fell through the cracks- so there is now no bachelorette party.

In the grand scheme of things, my fiancé and I are getting married and that's what it's about. It's just something that girls dream about forever (or me anyway ) I was just hoping for more participation and celebrations.

But thank you for the advice and your $.02 !

I agree with Celia in that it is not the bridal party's responsibility to host a shower or bachlorette party - they can if they so choose it, but it is not an expectation. My Aunt ended up hosting one for me, with just family a 2 or 3 of my close girlfriends, just so my mom could experience her only daughter having a bridal shower (and for me too, of course).

My MOH and I worked together to plan a girls trip as my bachlorette party, so it wasn't just her by herself. If this was something you wanted your bridal party to plan, you should have talked to them about it shortly after you got engaged...

@Rebecca, I strongly disagree with you. Members of the bridal are chosen to honor them, because we want them by our side on a very special day, NOT because we want them to throw us parties. Note what you quoted from Martha Stewart--it's USUALLY the maid of honor or another good friend to host, not always. As someone who's been a bridesmaid/MOH several times (and, yes, helped to throw showers), I really hate it when I see brides on here expecting their bridal party to do X, Y, and Z (not saying that you are Richmond Wedding, this is more of a response to Rebecca). There's a lot of time, money and work that goes into doing all these little things that people expect. And it's not universally expected anyway--in my circle, it's often a family member such as an aunt or godmother who throws the bridal party. The maid of honor is NOT a job, so there are no "responsibilities." It's a position of honor.

@Richmond Wedding, when people ask about your shower, it's perfectly fine to say "Actually, no one has offered to throw me one." You may be surprised to see who steps up. And I'm sorry if you don't get one, because it sounds like you really would enjoy it. Unfortunately things don't always work out the way we expect. I don't think I'll get a bachelorette party either.

I haven't asked anyone to throw one- That is my last resort.

I thought about asking my future MIL because she seems upset and disappointed

every time I say i'm not having a shower- yet she doesn't step up.

I thought about throwing one, only because I have family and friends ask all the time. They want to come, they want to be a part of it- no one wants to host it.

I think I'll just give up that idea, because I'd hate to look "desperate" or that I'm "begging for gifts"

I don't "expect" anything from anyone, but you have to admit- showers are an activity that go hand in hand with weddings. Just like a baby shower for an expecting mother.

Lori, I hate you're not getting a bachelorette party! I know how you feel. My MOH informed me that they all gave up trying and if I wanted one, it was on me to plan!

Your wedding is around the corner! I agree with the other ladies that you shouldn't throw yourself one and you can't really ask for one. You could drop some hints since I think every bride should get one if they want it but...it's so close to your wedding you may be out of luck.

Richmond Wedding, when your MIL asks and you say you're not having one, do you say it's because you have no one to throw it for you or just that you're not having one? Maybe she is disappointed and hasn't offered because she thinks you don't want one.

As per the bachelorette, ask your girls if they would be up for dinner and drinks a weekend or two before your wedding. It can be low key, and then you can still have a good time celebrating and don't have to miss out!

That's too bad. Normally it should be your BM's that host it. I would just ask your Mom or sister to host it. You could ask your FMIL if you feel close enough to her to ask.

If someone really close to you happens to ask about a wedding shower you could let them know that no one has approached you to let you know they were going to host one for you. Since people seem to be interested in one they may not realize no one else has offered to host one for you. You could bring it up to your mother and tell her people have asked and you don't know what to tell them, she may ask an aunt or someone to help organize one.

all of the wedding showers I have been to recently have been hosted by the mother or MOH/sister.

apparently that's not how its written in etiquette books.

It would be GREAT if they did, and sad when they don't. Don't let it dampen your excitement for the day and having your bridal party supporting you up there!