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Savvy May 2023

Wedding dress shopping with mom advice?

Haley, on September 2, 2021 at 6:43 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 9

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Hi all!

I’m going to Dress shop in a few weeks and I’m honestly really scared because of a particular issue I am having with my mom. To preface this (TW

A) my mom is 1 of the 2 people I have kept contact with in my family. I cut contact with my dad, brother, and all other extended family except for her and my younger cousin. To keep it short, my brother and dad sexually abused me when I was a child and my other family members were on their side about it, so I completely removed them from my life. It’s been kinda rough maintaining a relationship with my mom but she’s been putting a lot of effort and even started therapy. My main issue now is that she will randomly bring my dad or brother up in conversations even when it has nothing to do with them. For example when I got a new car she said “oh your dad would be so proud” and it rubbed me the completely wrong way. I do not want anything to do with the people who sexually abused me and she does this kind of a lot

I have PTSD so bringing it up like that gets to me. I have tried to explain over and over why I don’t like to talk about them and how it makes me feel when she does. She swears she understands but then does it again when I reach another goal or accomplish something. She is paying for my dress so I need to have her at the appointment but I’m afraid she’ll bring up my abusers. I’m not past the abuse to where I can comfortably talk about it. I still cry when it’s brought up and my appointment just isn’t the time for other people to bring it up. What can I do?

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9 Comments

Latest activity by Veronica, on September 3, 2021 at 2:34 PM

Master July 2021
Rebelle Fleur · on September 2, 2021 at 6:56 PM
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It’s seems that since your mother is trying her best to maintain your relationship, going to therapy and support you in other ways that she may not be doing this on purpose.

I have a child and if his father we’re to abuse him I’d probably kill him BUT, raising a child with someone you often imagine their future and being there for certain moments and how it would feel. So, when you reach certain milestones she probably automatically thinks to herself that your other parent would be proud of you and then feels like crap when she realizes that she brought him up yet again.
It will probably take a while to break this habit and censor some thoughts that come natural to her and I hope that your remain patient and see that she is trying.
However, if it’s too much for you or if you feel as if she is doing it intentionally/without much care for how you feel I would minimize my contact with her. Your mental health is more important than anything and anyone else.
I’m very sorry that this is your reality and I feel for everyone that has gone through this. I wish you the best and that all the ways that you’re working on bettering yourself help take some of the pain away. Stay strong.
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Super December 2021
Alyssa · on September 2, 2021 at 7:48 PM
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Mention to her before you go you will not be discussing your dad or brother in any way as they will
not be invited to the wedding so you do not care for their opinion. If she doesn’t comply, make her leave.
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Expert December 2021
Samantha · on September 2, 2021 at 8:22 PM
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Speak openly and honestly with her about this a couple days before your appointment. Explain how much she means to you and how excited you are for her to be there with you while shopping for your wedding dress, but be firm when you lay the ground rules for how her bringing up your abusers makes you feel and how they aren't appropriate topics and will not be discussed. If she can't respect that, I'd reconsider having her in your life. No one deserves to constantly relive abuse, especially when someone says they'll stop bringing it up but co tinues to do so.
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Master February 2022
Rosie · on September 2, 2021 at 8:29 PM
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I agree with this. Make it very clear that this is neither the time or the place for them to be mentioned and if she does, that you'll pack up your things and leave.
I think maybe if this is causing you so much anxiety, it might be worth not relying upon her for the dress, so if she brushes you off, I'd probably say you appreciate the offer, but would prefer to buy your own dress than have to deal with this at what should be a joyous time.
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Expert December 2021
Samantha · on September 2, 2021 at 8:30 PM
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Preach, girl 🙌
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Super May 2022
Samantha · on September 3, 2021 at 8:48 AM
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None of my business at all, but did she stay with your father after she knew about the abuse? Honestly I don't think I could keep a relationship with my mother either if that were the case. But in any case, agree with PP, set your expectations before the day, and if she can't comply, ask her to leave. But be prepared to have to pay for the dress if she gets upset. So sorry you have to deal with all this
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Expert September 2022
Nichole · on September 3, 2021 at 10:25 AM
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I think its good that shes trying, would going to her therapist with her and discussing this with her and her therapist be an option? The therapist might be able to reword what your trying to say in a way she understands.
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Master May 2020
Kari · on September 3, 2021 at 11:19 AM
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I am really really sorry.
I applaud you for eliminating your abusers from your life.
Its good that your mom is going to therapy.
If you have a therapist, I would perhaps mention this to your therapist and see if they have any professional advice.
Otherwise, Samantha's advice is very sound. Create and clearly communicate firm boundaries and consequences for violating those boundaries. If you continue to involve your mom in your life, she needs to be held accountable when she violates those boundaries.
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Dedicated November 2021
Veronica · on September 3, 2021 at 2:34 PM
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I commend you for still talking to your mom and removing the toxic relationships. She seems to be making an effort to deal with the issues and maintain a relationship. It also sounds like she is trying to avoid mentioning those who bring on a strong reaction.
I had a situation with my dad's family. After my parents split, my dad's siblings did nothing but bad mouth my mom. I mean, I was a child and as adults they should have known better. They did it most of my childhood. When I became and adult and it happened again and I almost strangled an aunt. It was then I learned I couldn't control what they did or said, but I could control how much I let it bother me and how I reacted.
With all that being said, have you sought therapy yourself? She is trying, so I have to give her credit, but maybe you should seek help with the PTSD so you can learn how to manage your own reaction to those you wish not be mentioned. If she is still married to him and still maintains a relationship with your siblings, you can't really expect her to NEVER mention them. These comments come from love or her wishing things were different.
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