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Savvy June 2021

Wedding Destroying Mother-daughter Relationship

Angela, on April 20, 2021 at 4:25 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 11

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My mom and I used to be super close. 6 months ago, I would have said she was my best friend. Now, we are 6 weeks away from the wedding and my mom didn't express any concerns about the relationship until about 6 months ago. Basically, he doesn't match up with her idealistic and unrealistic ideas of what my future husband should be like (this isn't 1965 anymore). He is absolutely amazing and our relationship is strong. She expected me to break things off or postpone the wedding after she shared her concerns but they were all "shortcomings" that I was aware of and am willing to spend the rest of my life with. This inevitably snowballed into a war where I took the loss and tried to be accommodating in every battle. You have a wedding fund for me saved up but aren't going to give it to me? Ok. We can afford to have a conservative wedding on our own. You want your 4 best friends to be invited even though we are having a tiny wedding and have to cut family members from both sides. Ok. Your happiness and comfort is important to me. The list goes on and on.
I have stood my ground on 2 things and she's throwing a fit. I wouldn't postpone the wedding by 1-2 years or call it off like she wanted. I'm sorry. Not your decision. The other thing is such a minute detail but it was important to me. I wanted to go with her to pick out her dress or at least see it before the wedding and she's flat out refusing. I had planned on it being a fun bonding thing and we were going to match the corsages of the people in the processional to whatever color dress they picked. She won't even tell me the color. Now it's just a power struggle and I'm tired of constantly caving. Why should I have to go out of my way to accommodate you especially when you're not even contributing!?!?!?!?
I'm feeling super frustrated and want to fix it but don't know how without either cutting her off or caving to her every desire.

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11 Comments

Latest activity by Ka-Rina, on April 21, 2021 at 9:42 PM

Expert July 2021
Kris · on April 20, 2021 at 5:19 PM
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I would cut her off. If she doesn't want to participate in the excitement of your wedding, that's her loss, not yours. You deserve to be happy.
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Devoted October 2021
Chantelle · on April 20, 2021 at 5:27 PM
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Yep just like Kris said. I know she’s your mom, but if she acting like that at every turn, just cut her out of the wedding festivities. Enough is enough. Good luck!
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Super September 2021
Sharon · on April 20, 2021 at 6:04 PM
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If you and your mom were that close until a few months ago maybe there's something deeper going on with her. Her concerns might not seem to have much merit from your standpoint but she's looking at it from another angle, as someone who has experienced enough life to know that things that don't bother you now might become a big issue down the line. Maybe she's afraid she's going to lose you once your married. I think, at the end of the day, she's your mom and wants only the best for you. I hope you two can find a way to work this out.
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Savvy June 2021
Angela · on April 20, 2021 at 6:21 PM
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I 100% agree with this Sharon. I have a hard time accepting relationship advice from her because she's only dated 2 people and she married both of them (first my bio dad and now my step dad). Her concerns are nitpicky things like he doesn't currently own a home (do you know many 25 year olds in southern CA who own their own property - not trust fund babies?) He doesn't sing. Ok? He talks about sports when he's nervous. I like sports. It's little detail stuff or things that should be fixed after marriage (like buying a home), not major character flaws.
I do think something deeper is going on here but planning a wedding is hard, planning a wedding without mom's support is stressful, planning a wedding while trying to figure out what the underlying issue with her is she supporting her through it while bearing the brunt of her wrath is overwhelming. Any suggestions for how to nicely without offending her suggest that she seek therapy?
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Super September 2021
Sharon · on April 20, 2021 at 6:40 PM
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I know this must be so hard on you. It doesn't sound like any major concerns, especially the not singing...unless she was hoping you'd be the next Beyince & Jay-Z 😉 I wish I had some advice for you other than just saying to her that maybe talking to someone else will help her figure out what she's really upset about.
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Dedicated June 2021
Jessica · on April 20, 2021 at 8:08 PM
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If your mother was genuinely concerned, she would spend more time talking about her concerns with you- not making your life a living hell. This is some deep-rooted problem, most likely related to you transitioning from her child into someone's wife. Perhaps you, her, and a sibling could sit down and figure out what's really bothering her?
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Savvy June 2021
Angela · on April 20, 2021 at 8:50 PM
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Unfortunately I'm the only child that's local (older sister is married in Colorado and older brother is married in Texas). Maybe we'll try a group video call. I'm sure that has something to do with it, especially since I'm the youngest and closest to home. It's just really hard and frustrating to have her fears, disappointments, and anxiety projected onto me.
From my perspective a marriage would not even change much between us. I haven't shared a last name with her in 20 years, nor have I lived in her home for the past 6. I'm staying local (20 mins away). We used to split holidays because my parents are divorced. Now, that my dad is out of the picture, I would just split holidays between her and the in-laws (who live 5 mins from each other!) In terms of a mother-daughter relationship I don't see what has to change by my marriage, besides the way she's treating me.
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Master February 2022
Rosie · on April 20, 2021 at 9:41 PM
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I think it must be the transition to a new phase of life, based on what you've said here. I'm so sorry she is ruining this experience for you.
When I was talking once about hypothetical grandchildren, my mum thought for a minute, and then said she wasn't ready to be a grandmother. I should add at this point, she's 75. My mother in law was a grandmother at 55, and that's pretty normal! I think I laughed and said something like - it's actually not about you - at all. It would be about me and my fiance. Your situation is the same!
I can't imagine how hard it must be, but I think the only option is to steel yourself that she is not going to be excited or supportive of you throughout this time. The only thing I can think of that might help is to tell her that she doesn't have to like your decisions, but she does need to be respectful, and her current behaviour is damaging her relationship with you. This will be permanent damage. Maybe pointing that out will help?
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Liz · on April 21, 2021 at 2:39 AM
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I agree with others, it sounds like there is something going on here that is unrelated to the specific relationship of you and your fiancé. It could be that her youngest child getting married feels like a milestone she’d rather not be passing. It could be that there are other things going on that are e.g. making her feel older than she’s comfortable with. Whatever it is, and however understandable those feelings might be, she doesn’t sound to be dealing with things in a healthy way. And it’s definitely unfair on you that you’re having to deal with everything that’s resulting.
I think having someone talk with her would be an excellent idea - whether it’s you and siblings jointly by video call, or one of your siblings talking to her individually. (If your stepdad is still in the picture, do you have a relationship with him where you could ask him to have the conversation?)
I know that the corsage question is only a minor symptom of the overall issue here, but if she won’t tell you what she’s wearing then get her something neutral and be done with it.
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Beginner October 2022
Nicole · on April 21, 2021 at 11:48 AM
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When I had to have a serious conversation with parents (about their health) I found it helpful to write it down. I wrote them a letter to get all my thoughts and concerns down on paper, because I knew in person I would get too emotional. This is where you can give your perspective, reassure her that she's not losing you, and suggest therapy if you want. If your mom is anything like mine, I'm guessing there are underlying issues that probably have nothing to do with your fiance. Hopefully it helps but you have to be prepared for her not to change (at least right away). If that's the case, I suggest you continue forward with the wedding you want and stop caving to her demands. You can work on your relationship with her after the wedding. It would be sad if she keeps acting this way and regrets it later, but there's only so much you can do. If you think she might cause a scene on the wedding day, it might be a good idea to enlist the help of a relative ahead of time to be on standby to help. Good luck!
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