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Just Said Yes October 2018

Wedding Date Meaning For Other People

Jane, on July 7, 2018 at 6:22 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 10

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We’ve been engaged since Nov 2015 and picked out date and booked it two years in advance (Oct 2016). All our VIPs were made aware of the date and had no problems. Fast forward to this past April as we were attending my cousins wedding that I found out its the exact day my uncle passed away 7 years ago and that my other cousin might not attend because of it. Im was totally devastated that I inadvertently did this.

I asked my dad (its his brother) and mom if they knew about this and my dad said he knew it was around the time but didn’t remember the actual day. And only realized it later when his other brother told him. I asked why they didnt say anything to me and he said he knew how much i wanted that date (FH wanted it for sentimental reasons). I was so mad because i never would have picked it had i known or was made aware. Cause now ill never think of my date and anniversary without thinking about my uncles death (it was very sudden due to aggressive cancer).

Im am not close to my cousin or his family and the last time I spoke to him was at my sisters wedding last year and it was just a quick hello. Otherwise we do not communicate at all. I feel absolutely awful and it must have been a slap in the face when they got a save the date in January. My sister was the one that told me as she is the only one of us that really talks to my cousin. My cousin told her that he usually isnt himself on that day and mopes around. I totally understand if he doesnt attend.

I suggested to my parents that maybe I should write a note when I send the invite and they thought that was a good idea. My problem is I have no idea what to say or how to go about it.

My other dilemma is whether to do a memory table. My FH didn’t want to do one initially, but both my cousin and my sister did one so I thought id do one too. Now I feel like I should or would it be too much on my cousin? Or if I dont would it be like i dont care?

I just dont know how to handle all this and my parents aren’t being helpful. We are a very keep your feelings to yourself kind of family and dont talk about these things. My FH is leaving the decision up to me.

What do yall think of this situation? Am I overthinking this?

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10 Comments

Latest activity by Jane, on July 7, 2018 at 11:58 PM

Super October 2017
OrangeCrush · on July 7, 2018 at 6:36 PM
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My advice: Keep your date. What you did was not intentional, and your cousin or cousins may not come because of it? Instead of looking at a date that you can have has a happy day some relative or relatives might sit home and mope. Okay.......
Tell then you will miss them.
Memorial tables: I am in the UO here but skip it. A wedding is a happy time, not a time to look at deceased people. Other posters have written that seeing their dead grandma, grandpa, whoever caused them to burst into tears.
The fact that your dad forgot the day (and it was his brother) shows you that he is moving on, as well need to do/should do at our own place. Your cousin is too, and sadly that is conflicting with your wedding. Oh well.......
Don't write a note on the invite. Truthfully, that is just feeding into his "mopiness." Look, I have lost both my parents, plus all my grandparents and I have one aunt left, she is 90. Life is here for the living, a wedding is a happy time to celebrate.
You are overthinking this, don't dwell on it, have your October 2018 wedding!!! Your FH wants that date for sentimental reasons, that trumps your cousin.
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Expert August 2019
Marissa · on July 7, 2018 at 6:44 PM
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I would keep your date. Any date you choose is going to have complications due to one thing or another. In your case it was an accident. It’s also been seven years (not to downplay grief in any way) but it’s not like it’s the first anniversary of his passing. I actually like that your wedding is that day because it’s a new happy memory and im sure your uncle would want people to be happy not miserable every year at the time of his passing.
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Master August 2017
firstoneat56 · on July 7, 2018 at 6:47 PM
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In my opinion you are overthinking it. I don’t understand attaching a feeling to a date of death. I think you honor a person’s life by celebrating happy times, especially with family. I know for sure my mom wouldn’t want me sitting in the house on the day she passed, she’d want me to take every opportunity to celebrate. I could understand it if it just happened a year ago but it’s been 7 years.

If if you don’t want to do a memorial table, then don’t. Generally, I think these should be limited to immediate family. It’s slways best to ask people affected how they will feel about it before displaying any pictures.
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Just Said Yes October 2018
Jane · on July 7, 2018 at 6:48 PM
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Thank you! I appreciate your point of view from someone who has lost loved ones. Thats really puts things in perspective.
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Super October 2017
OrangeCrush · on July 7, 2018 at 6:56 PM
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You are welcome!!
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Dedicated September 2018
Jennifer · on July 7, 2018 at 7:50 PM
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Keep your date. When we picked, every single person had some kind of conflict - birthdays, anniversaries, memberable days of loved ones passed on, etc. We finally picked a date, and it turned out to be FHs college roommate anniversary. FH was in the wedding. Oops. Follow the advice of orangecrush.
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Expert November 2018
Kristin · on July 7, 2018 at 8:11 PM
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I lost my dad to cancer 6 months after he was diagnosed, given it has been twice as long (14 years) but I still went to weddings 2 days after the deathiversary at the 6th and 7th year (2 Dec 30 weddings, he died Dec 28th) and his birthday is/was 2 days before mine so sometimes it falls on the weekend I'm away trying to celebrate my birthday. I do get a little sad/mopey but guess what, life goes on, I still celebrate whatever cause for celebration there is. If your cousin can't do that by now he needs to go to therapy so he can get some help moving on because missing a wedding is ridiculous. Have your sister explain the good reason your FH picked the date and that you didn't realize if maybe he thinks it was intentional but you didn't do anything wrong.
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Expert April 2019
Ashley · on July 7, 2018 at 9:14 PM
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Keep your date. My wedding is on my FMIL and FFIL’s wedding anniversary. After we booked our date his dad had told us that it was their anniversary. And we wanted to change it but they’re fine with it. And when joke saying they’ll never forget our anniversary
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Expert October 2018
CountryRoads · on July 7, 2018 at 9:56 PM
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Keep the date. Personally, I would hold off on a memorial table, it is a loud statement, and yes, i think it could possibly overwhelm some family members. Maybe something more subtle, like a memorial vase with a floating candle? There are lots of things you can do to honor the memory that is not as blunt as an empty chair or photo table. https://www.etsy.com/listing/610573400/in-loving-memory-memorial-cylinder?gpla=1&gao=1&&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=shopping_us_c-weddings-decorations-candles_and_holders-candle_holders-unity_candle_holders&utm_custom1=7bfb2f67-3d6f-41a2-9741-7b56e6bff98f&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI7r7VirOO3AIVDp-fCh05Rwe-EAkYECABEgLvBfD_BwE
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Just Said Yes October 2018
Jane · on July 7, 2018 at 11:58 PM
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Thanks for all the advice!! Its nice to know that other people went through the similar situations. A date will always mean something to someone!
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