Wedding and finances

Oh man I'm sorry about the stress you are dealing with. I honestly would suggest sitting down with him and seeing where his head is at. Maybe he feels like a big wedding is not something he wants to do and doesn't want to tell you. I will admit I was hard on my FH after a couple weeks of him not contributing much to our wedding savings. My checks were set to automatically put a certain percentage into the wedding savings each week and he was putting as he goes. I had to finally tell him he needs to up what he puts each check because we have a lot to pay off and what hes putting isn't helping. He final just adjusted his amount to automatically add to the savings and I went on planning the wedding. Maybe see if hes willing to just provide his portion into a different joint account each paycheck so you can just take over and pay whats needed? That way he wont feel like he has the extra money to spend on stuff he shouldn't.

Do you currently share other expenses? Honestly, that would be a bigger question for me. If you haven't yet combined your finances, will he be like this with living expenses and other common financial goals? If that's a possibility, I would make getting counseling the highest priority possible. Is he going to buy unnecessary things rather than contribute to your joint mortgage? I disagree with your perception that "this is just typical male processing." It is not "typical." Mature adults, male and female, do all they can to live up to the agreements, financial and otherwise, that they make with people they care about. Unless this is absolutely JUST about the way he approaches finances related to the wedding, I would be very concerned and address these issues before moving forward with the wedding. Even if he's great about all other financial issues/planning, and it is just the wedding, that's not fair to you since he agree to split costs and I still think that's a major issue to work through on your own or with a counselor. Good luck to you!

This does put into question larger financial questions once you're married. But anyway, I would sit down with him and see what he's comfortable with affording and paying and see how that works for the wedding you want.

Oh man I here you on this one. My fh and I have had some squabbles about this ourselves. Now I make more than he does and so I am able to save a lot more than he can. When we got engaged his mom said she would pay for half, and so that took a lot of stress off but I still have to save to pay for the other half. I know that he tries to save but he had to switch jobs to move back home so we could be together so he took a big pay cut. He happily pays for things day to day. Maybe if your fh can agree to have you put the cash away in your account and he picks up more day to day bills that can help you save more and make it easier for him to contribute.
If he’s going to spend on stupid stuff picking up the grocery tab or the whole electric or cable bill will help you to put the money in the savings.

Set up a joint account and you each contribute monthly to it. It’s a good habit anyway.

That’s not “typical” behavior at all. Money stress and issues are a big deal and you definitely need to be on the same page. If you can’t agree on finances now, how will you when you get married? You guys need to sit down and really talk about how you’re going to handle finances, not just for the wedding but for your lives together

This sounds oddly familiar lol.

We did the same thing and when we booked our venue (12 months in advance) I set an amount we each needed to contribute each month. Well holidays happened and my sister passed in January and before I know it the only thing we have contributed each month was our deposits on vendors. So in march I said he re evaluating this is what we need to pay and this is when it needs to be paid. I need x amount from you each month. My FH is terrible with money as well he is the person behind those amazon memes (except he doesn't have to be drunk he just buys random stuff). lol I talked to him about his spending and decided I would be in charge o wedding expenses (arranging it and getting money from him to where it needed to go). Every month when rent was due I would take the x amount I gave him that he needed to contribute and I took it from what I would give him for rent (we split rent) and then the remainder went to him so he wasn't broke. This worked great until the last 3 months because his bachelor and my bachelorette weekend cost money and what not so finances strained a little again and he was super stressed. I picked up a secon job so we could afford to do things we enjoyed doing with out depleting wedding money and I started getting groceries 3 out of 4 weekends a month. It was a trade off. Yes he makes more than me but hes genuinely not good with money. He does realize this though o he lets me take control when he realizes its getting out of hand. We are 2 weeks from our wedding and the only thing we owe is $220 for my alterations and $600 on our cabin (and I have it all in savings) just waiting till I pick up my dress next weekend and when we check into our cabin in a week in a half.

You will need to sit down and have a legitimate talk about it. Finances are a big deal breaker in a lot of peoples relationships so its better to head it off before it becomes a bigger issue. If its meant to be it will work out you just need to find what works best for you guys.

I’m seeing a pattern that most had to just ultimately take control of the finances. Lol. We’ve talked about that and FH is totally fine with me having the purse strings (for wedding and future). I really haven’t wanted to do that because I feel it’s important to have personal responsibility and I’ve been trying to get him to save better in general. He’s not opposed to saving, I just don’t think he has had to before or really understands finances in general. I’ve even thought about having him talk to financial planners, etc so he can start learning what he should/shouldn’t do with his money (which makes me feel worse because I’m not his mom). but it does seem like the easiest way to approach at least the wedding is to just take control and i probably just need to get over trying to “make” him be better with money.

View Quoted Comment I wouldn't "get over trying to make him be better with money." While it's easier, you are opening up problems for the future. He's an adult and very much needs to be responsible with money. Helping him learn this isn't acting like his mother, it's acting like a partner who wants to be on the same financial page as her future spouse.

For us, I'm the one who physically takes care of all the bill-paying, but we have sat down and created a budget together (revising that budget over the years). When we were wedding planning, we both met with vendors and negotiated prices together. We also discussed how much we were willing to pay when in the search phase. Couples can manage finances in many different ways, but just "giving up" and accepting that he is bad with money can cause larger financial stressors down the line. Money management is skill. It can be taught. I think the idea of the two of you meeting with a financial planner and talking at length about money management, debt, and financial goals is a great idea and very important to the overall health of the relationship. I may be off base, but it sounds like his spending habits aren't just wedding related. If you can't afford to meet with an actual financial planner, there are tons of free online resources. You'll see David Ramsey's name on this board a lot.

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While I agree it may be easier if one person is responsible for the day-to-day responsibilities of managing finances/paying bills, I do think it is critical that both parties are on the same page about how that's going to happen and their individual commitments/responsibilities. For example, if he doesn't decide he's going to change his spending habits, your "being in charge" is likely to set up a power dynamic that might be frustrating to you both. (You said you don't want to feel like "his mom," and his kind of teenage boy response of "well you're the one who wanted the wedding" are examples of how this might go unless/until, together, you find a different way to approach it.) Educating yourselves together about financial planning and openly discussing your thoughts and goals are really important to a successful marriage. Daughter has always been very good with money. SIL didn't grow up with great role models, but honestly, he's been very open to learning, and they've talked for years very openly about their short- and long-term goals and how they plan to meet them. They've read a few of the Dave Ramsey books cover-to-cover (and love him...), and are completely on the same page about their finances. Using that approach, they are currently living on one salary and banking the second toward a down payment, and setting themselves up for how they want to be able to live once they have children. It's gotten to the point where they almost obsessively enjoy budget tracking and watching their saving grow. You don't have to go that far, but truly being on the same page about finances will make married life so much easier. Good luck to you!

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PP, we were both typing basically the same message simultaneously! OP, please don't resign yourself to "this is just the way he is," unless you want to argue about and struggle with financial issues in your marriage.