We are not inviting anyone except immediate family to wedding, but future Mother in Law wants to have a Bridal shower

As a rule, you don't invite someone to a gift giving event if they aren't invited to the wedding. If she threw bridal tea or luncheon, with the understanding that you're having a microwedding, and asked people to bring their favorite family recipe, you'd *probably* be okay as far as most people go.

I wouldn't invite anyone to a pre-wedding event to celebrate something they aren't going to be invited to. Even if its a "no gifts" shower. The only exception is work parties.

View Quoted Comment I have to agree. It may be awkward to invite guests to celebrate an event they aren’t going to be invited to attend. Instead of a shower could she maybe host a post-wedding dinner/celebration?

So I was in a similar situation and I agreed to let my aunt throw me a bridal shower, even though she/I both knew that I wasn’t inviting all the cousins who would be attending. (she had thrown showers for every other cousin who has gotten married).


It did feel a little weird, and I did make it very clear to everyone that I was not expecting/needing gifts, but I think the family honestly just enjoyed having a happy excuse to get together. We hadn’t had a family event in over 2 years (ugh COVID), so the only other places we’d seen each other were at funerals.
So etiquette wise was it right? Probably not. But I think it was right for my family dynamics.

View Quoted Comment

I agree with this. I think it depends on your family/friends. You know them better than us.

I think with our families it probably wouldn't go over well. However, my friend did this (not by choice, but because of COVID) and everyone was understanding.

If it means anything, I would enjoy attending something like this, as a guest.

I tend to disagree with PP. In times of COVID, people understand that traditions are falling to the wayside, and large gatherings aren't as common. You could always call it an engagement party. And people might still bring gifts if they want to, no harm in it, but I wouldn't register or anything. I'd say make your FMIL happy and let her do this for you

You could meet her in the middle and let people join virtually over a zoom or something similar, but making sure they are expressly told that the wedding invites are for family only. I would let MIL explain that to them since this is her bright idea and this is against tradition and people who are invited to the shower are always invited to the wedding.

My mom threw me a shower and put me in a super uncomfortable position by inviting three people who are not invited to the wedding. She first tried to invite cousins who aren't invited to the wedding and I very firmly put my foot down and said no. A week later she said "oh by the way I invited M, N, and A!" These three are family friends who I like, but we simply could not invite everybody and their mother to the wedding. There was nothing I could do at that point, uninviting them would make it worse. I made it crystal clear to my mom that even if we have enough "no" RSVPs to go under our contracted minimum (unlikely), there are other people on our mental B list who would be invited before these three. She assured me they don't mind, etc.

Now I'm awkwardly writing out thank you notes to these people for the very nice gifts they brought.

Anywhoooo. I think the recipe thing is a good idea. "Come celebrate the bride-to-be and bring your favorite recipe!" I think as long as you make it clear that gifts are not expected you're okay. Verbally, you can spread the word that you are disappointed that you had to keep the wedding so small (even if that's a white lie) and that you wanted a chance to see everyone.

View Quoted Comment Thanks so much!

View Quoted Comment Thats a good idea! It's a lot to think about!! Thanks

Probably in the minority here, but I honestly think having a bridal shower just so your future MIL can have the experience of throwing one is a little bizarre. Its not on her children or children's partners to give her that experience. You don't decide to be a mom in hopes you can throw a bridal shower one day. Becoming a mom is a supposed to be a selfless act, and while I can understand there is excitement in experiencing your child find love and get married and to partake in the traditions that go along with that, expecting any more than just supporting the couple is overstepping, IMO.

I have a mom. She didn't throw me a shower. She didn't go wedding dress shopping with me. She really had no part in any pre-wedding anything. She was still happy for me, and she attended both our Covid elopement and redo wedding celebration held at a later date. While I'm sure she might have liked to be a part of those traditional wedding experiences, I never felt obligated to include her in them and she never made me feel guilty for not doing so.

Now it sounds more like you want to do these things for her instead of her pressuring you to include her in them, which is very thoughtful. However, if you are choosing to have an intimate wedding, I don't think a shower is called for. Deciding to have a shower just so your FMIL can throw you one basically says that her experience being able to throw a shower is more important than the experience of all "would be" wedding guests that aren't going to be invited to your wedding but will be included in your shower. You are saying its more important for your FMIL to get to throw a shower than for your friends to be invited to your wedding. Regardless of the intentions, it comes off as your FMILs feelings mattering more than those of your friends.

Now I do love the idea of recipe sharing, and maybe you could have a little "celebrate the future bride" brunch or something where people bring recipes if you really want that experience for yourself. But steer very very clear of calling it a shower or referring to it as a shower replacement. Maybe that is what is will be to your FMIL but it should not be that to anyone else. And there should be no registry and no gifts. If anyone brings any gifts at all, they should be set aside and opened at a later date. The emphasis should be on togetherness and nothing else. While its fine to talk about the excitement of being married, I would avoid a lot of specifics about the wedding or planning because it could make people who aren't able to attend feel sad. And again, you should be doing it for you, not for her.

I do think there is a little more leeway for this type of thing with very intimate weddings and during Covid. In general, I do find including people in prewedding events but not the wedding itself to be distasteful and you need to be really careful about how you approach it. Having said that, I would be open to attending a pre-wedding event for a bride whose wedding I wasn't invited to in a situation similar to yours (as long as the event was for your benefit, and not your FMIL's)!