Want a marriage, absolutely terrified of having a wedding

Could you compromise and have a tiny wedding with only parents and siblings?!

Alao discuss a budget. How much is he wanting to spend? If he wants a wedding that bad, then is he okay with planning everything?

Why not elope? You need to get on the same page if you aren't able to compromise so both are happy, maybe you both need to find someone who can give you what you need/want to make that happen.

I feel the same way for a lot of the same reasons. Honestly, your post sounds like it’s your way or nothing which isn’t fair to him. We’re compromising by having a small wedding. It took lots of communication and deciding what was a deal breaker but we found a way to make it work. It sounds like this is really important to him and you are refusing to compromise at all. He’s vocalized how important. Weddings don’t have to be super expensive or with lots of people. Plus after the ceremony and dance (if you do one, not required) people do their own things so you aren’t the center of attention the whole time.

Totally agree with PP- there’s gotta be a compromise. That’s part of what makes a marriage work.

I wish your dh could give that wedding motivation to my dh. I am exactly the opposite of your situation. I hope you too could compromise. It’s though when a couple have totally different opinions. Keep communicating in a positive way. Good luck.

I’m in the opposite situation. We did not get engaged until we could reach some ground rules about what the wedding would be like. Which for me means giving up a lot of things—including not inviting some of my family members, not posting our engagement photos on social media, doing almost of the initial outreach to vendors (subject to my fiancé’s approval),and standing up to my mom on some things. And he’s obviously compromised by agreeing to a wedding with a reasonable budget. But it’s worth it to us to compromise. My advice is to talk it out before you get engaged/announce it to others.

I have a friend who was in a similar situation and they did a small destination wedding as a compromise. Is there a particular destination that may excite you? Perhaps it may justify the cost of the wedding by it being a trip too?
I agree with previous posts a compromise is best. It’s obvious you love him and he clearly loves you. He sounds very romantic and sweet ❤️ A lot of guys would love to skip an engagement ring purchase and seems like he really wants to present you this symbol of his love for all to see.
For what it is worth, I too don’t like being center of attention and having a great MC/DJ keeps the attention on his announcements, whoever is giving a toast, etc. so that helped minimize attention. Good luck and I wish you all the best ❤️

U need to straight up tell him the issues u mentioned here and come to a compromise ... u have legit reasons, he needs to hear you out... otherwise he wasn't meant to be,... or its not the right time...

I agree, somehow you need to find a compromise as impossible as it seems. I find wedding planning is actually great marriage preparation as it is an highly emotional and stressful season with tons of decisions.

Does he understand your thoughts and feelings? Have you explained to him why you don't want a big wedding? Could you get married in your home country? Or could you have two celebrations? Can you have a smaller wedding with 50-100 people?

I moved continents to be with my fiance and when we get married next months, I'll will only have lived here for 6 months. Due to covid none of my family or friends can come. It makes me sad but it is more important to get married and start our life together soon. I have also about 5 guests that are "my" guests and my fiancé has invited 110 and easily could have invited more. And there moments where I was angry at him (especially when he wanted to add yet another person and I felt like he can only invite so many because I am inviting none) but most of the time I don't think "my guests", "your guests", I am thinking about our guests. I am super grateful for a new family that welcomes me in and new friends. Everyone is so happy for us and I am grateful for the people who want to celebrate with us. I have also met everyone we are inviting before. Maybe this perspective could help you a little bit. And maybe you can try to narrow the guestlist down to people you both know.

It sounds like yours is an intercultural relationship. And some things you describe might be cultural differences. And both of your opinions count and it's about creating a new blended culture for you as a couple/family. I can relate for example to the engagement ring. In my culture they are not super common. While I wanted a ring, I find my diamond to big (lol) and I think that is at least in part due to culture but the ring was super important to my fiancé and the diamond size is actually a compromise. He loved seeing this ring on my finger and I love him, so I start loving the ring.

Maybe (premarital) counseling would help you and your boyfriend to find a compromise. It seems like at least in this area of life you have very different priorities, dreams and expectations. There is no other way than addressing these and finding a way. Even if you are scared how exploring this topic further will affect your relationship. Not addressing these questions will also affect your relationship and I don't think just by waiting you will find a solution.

If you can't compromise over a one day party, your marriage will be a struggle. This is about more than a wedding.


I'd get into couples therapy

I think this is already harming you as a couple. Like Willow said, if he is putting down hard "non-negotiable" demands right now about your wedding, which belongs to both of you, how is the marriage going to work?


Went through this exact struggle with my fiance and it was the make or break point in our relationship. We both had to just learn to try to do what the other wants.
If you guys want to get past this, your boyfriend will have to try to give you what you want and you will have to try to do it for him. That could mean a dozen different compromises, but the mindset is what's important. You both have to be willing to get 0% of what you want if that ends up being the best for you as a couple before you can actually work through this. If you don't change the mindset, you'll keep going round and round.
So I would ask you, what can you do to give him what he wants? Can you maybe elope first and have a celebration later that includes his friends and family? Can you offer a destination wedding with a smaller guest list and that is too far away for your mom to find? Can you wear a modest engagement band instead of a big ring?
But he needs to be thinking like this too, or it won't work. This is a two way street. Can he help come up with a way to keep the wedding on a tight budget? Can he offer you a minimony and then have a big party with his family after? Can he come up with a way to avoid the anxiety of inviting your mom?
Marriage is a million of these kinds of decisions. It truly is two people becoming one, and joint decisions are crucial. Until you can shift from "what I want" to "what we need," you both are not ready for marriage.

A wedding, like marriage, is a compromise. Have you sat him down and really explained your thoughts and feelings? If he isn’t willing to budge, you may need to suggest counseling or rethink your relationship. No major decision gets to be solely made by 1/2 the couple. 😔


I hope he listens and ask him to suggest a few ideas too.