Vows

You need to get on the same asap. If you are reluctant, he needs to respect that. Parents need to chill and stay out of your relationship and planning. Also, every state has wording they require to make ceremony legal and valid. You need to find out from your officiant what that is.


This is practice for future interactions where he can't make a decision for both of you and go full steam ahead without respecting your wishes. It's a partnership where both people have input, not one person deciding for everyone.

*same page

I suggest that you and your fiancé work together to determine what’s best for the two of you. There isn’t one right way to celebrate your marriage.

Trevor and I each chose what was important to us as individuals. Then, we talked through our reasoning and asked the other for their thoughts. In some cases, we agreed; however, in most instances, we reached a compromise. The beauty of this is that we respect one another’s opinions, anxieties, and desires. This approach gave us an opportunity to feel confident in our decisions as a couple.

Google is a wonderful thing! I just googled it & this is one of the websites that came up. https://www.brides.com/story/guide-to-writing-your-own-wedding-vows

So, my fiance and I are in a similar situation - but opposite. I am an English teacher and I love to write. He hates to write. We came up with a couple different accommodations to overcome the differences in our writing comfort levels.

1. We agreed on an objective person (NOT a family member) to send our vows to who could read them to make sure they were of similar lengths, similar vibe (humorous versus mushy, etc.), and other factors that would make them sound like they are part of a cohesive ceremony.

2. We very loosely agreed on a "template" of sorts: Intro, sentimental story, vows/promises, closing. It was more detailed than that, but you get the idea.

Best of luck!

I'm not sure if either of you would be up for this, but as a compromise, could you write letters to each other instead?

I love to write, but I really struggle with writing about personal relationships and my feelings. On the other hand, DH is not a writer by any means but loves writing to/about me.

For our wedding, we went with fairly traditional vows, but our officiant read small excerpts from letters that we wrote each other. We then privately exchanged the full letters with each other a few days after the wedding.

Oh wow, that sounds romantic. I would go for it and have someone you trust that is good with writing/literature look over it and make suggestions. I would clarify with your FH with how long both of your vows should be though.

View Quoted Comment The state we are getting married in doesn't even require an officiant- we could just sign the license ourselves and it would be valid- so that isn’t a concern.

Why don’t you both write vows/letters to eachother and exchange them before the ceremony (and before you get your makeup done, in case it makes you cry!) to read in private. That way you both can have the special, personalized words from one another without them being said or read aloud (or triggering any negativity from your FMIL), then you can do the traditional vows during the ceremony in front of your family and friends.

View Quoted Comment Either way, he needs to respect that you are having hesitation with the idea.

My daughter and her husband did their private vows before the ceremony with only the photographer (holding hands each behind door so he wouldn't see her yet) so that it was just between the two of them and then recited traditional vows during ceremony.

We were in the opposite situation. I love to write and wanted to write our own vows. He is not a writer at all and was not into the idea. I could see that it made him nervous and I honestly didn’t want him to be worried about it so I just decided we shouldn’t write our own vows.
Talk to your fiance, and tell him everything that’s making you anxious. I am certain that he’d rather you be comfortable.
I like the idea from PP that said maybe write each other a letter that you can read prior to the wedding. That stays personal, intimate and that way he can still use the vows he’s already written.

I agree with Chrysta. I would do person, surprise letters to each other. You can always write your vows, that’s what we did.

Write your vows together *

My husband and I wrote our own vows. I think you may not be giving yourself enough credit. My husband always says he isn't a good writer, and he wrote the most amazing vows. You're writing about your love and promises for your marriage. It may be easier than you think. Also, you can have a trusted person read both of your vows to make sure they match up in terms of length/tone/etc.

You need to tell him EXACTLY what you told us. Everything. In those words.
1 - so he can really see how anxious you are
2 - so he can see how deeply his mom’s behavior effects you

We wrote letters and read them privately to each other before our ceremony. It was my favorite part of the day. Maybe you could do that as well? That way he could write like he wants to but you don't need to worry about what other people will think about yours.

We opted to write our own and have a mutual friend read them both and give us each feedback on them. This way we would know that we were on the same page but didn’t have to share them in advance.

I am less concerned as you should be about the vows and more about the ways of his mother. After whatever vows, she's in your lives forever, forever. That judgy behavior does not go away and will in fact be a theme in the decisions made going forward. How dare her judge your mother. What is that? Seriously, that needs to be addressed, by both you and your soon to be husband.

As far as the vows are concerned. Flip the roles, because that's mine and the groom's issue. I write for a living and have always been in love with expressive pieces (writing). But guess what, I know he's not going to stand up there and read some inspiring, moving, romantic vow about love, yada, yada. No biggie because I love him, all of him and so does your fiancé, he loves you and knows that you are not like him in that regard. Be yourself, think about a time you shared during dating one another that you realized, "he was the one." Then close your eyes, (I bet there is a smile on your face when you do) and think about what you would say or do differently in that moment had you not been "scared" to blurt out, "I think you're the man I am supposed to be marry and spend the rest of my life with." Start writing, then have a good friend, sister mom or his sister "proof" read and go from there. Vows are so intimate, so poignant to the personal relationship you have with him that there are no right or wrong vows. This is unnecessary stress because you are worried about the thoughts and opinions of others that are you are not marrying. That small window of time standing in front of those gathered is only about you two. Only. It is the single reason you bring everything together and when you stand there, in front of one another, the rest of the world will fade and it will be just the two of you. Take a deep breath, think about all the reasons you know he loves you, you love him and those are your vows.

Other sugggestions:

Pick a funny but loving moment that was intimate enough that he'll know the story but you may have shared with close friends/family. Share it with everyone in your own words.

Find love quotes from his favorite author, inspirational movie quotes that you both love, funny quotes about marriage, a bible verse you love. Then build a story around those words.

Have friends and family offer up some of their own sentimental thoughts about your groom. Add your own and finish it with, "you are so loved by everyone and I feel incredibly lucky to have you as mine, thank you for making me your forever." Or something similar.

You got this! Now, go text his mom and tell her to back off. Congrats and best wishes!

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Oh that is awesome!

I might totally steal this idea. Yep.