Vows

I'm sorry he won't write his own vows even though he knows it is important to you. I do think it might seem kind of odd that one of you is reading something heartfelt and personal whereas the other isn't. We wrote our own vows and it was suggested by my husband. I was really surprised, but I later learned he meant it as more of a joke because he didn't think I would agree because I also hate public speaking. However, I love writing so I was excited to write my own vows and he is actually the one that had a difficult time. Maybe you could suggest that he gets help writing them from a close friend or family member? Or you could just tell him fine, but you are going to write and read your own and if he doesn't want to then he can be the one to answer questions if someone asks why he didn't also write his own.

View Quoted Comment That's actually a good idea. I will ask if he will be interested in getting help.

I think the ship for convincing him to do something he is this uncomfortable with has sailed. Does your officiant have sample scripts to choose from? I would pick one where you both do "repeat after me" vows, and you deliver your personal ones to him as a love letter before or directly after the ceremony.

View Quoted Comment Great IDEA thanks

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I hope he will actually listens because I would be really hurt if I told my husband something was important to me and he refused to even consider it. I know for our wedding I didn't want to do a first look, but I was planning on doing one with my dad and my husband was hurt that I didn't want to also do one with him because I wanted the first time he saw me to be when I walked down the aisle. After thinking it over and talking with my husband's sister who I am really close with I agreed to it because it was important to my husband. Marriage is all about compromising so the fact he isn't willing to compromise for your sake is kind of concerning.

Can you guys do something in the middle where you each write vows but have your officiant read them like normal? If public speaking is his issue then I don't know if having someone help write them will make him feel better if he knows he still has to say them out loud.

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He's still going to have to recite some type of vows whether he writes them himself, gets assistance with writing them or just says traditional vows. I do like the other person's suggestion to give them to him in a letter. Another idea would be to read the vows during a first look if you are doing them. That's what my sister-in-law did. Her and her husband each wrote their own vows and read them to each other in private prior to the ceremony then read the traditional vows during the ceremony.

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I would argue that forcing him to speak in public when he's not comfortable isn't something he should have to compromise on. In relationships each person needs to compromise but I also believe that they each get hard no's for certain things. This is a hard no for him and she should respect that.

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I guess my view was that he is going to have to speak in public either way. If he had said he isn't comfortable reading such personal vows in public I think that is one thing, but to say he isn't comfortable just speaking in public is something else. I know my husband isn't a huge fan of talking about his feelings which is why I was surprised he suggested writing his own vows.

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I love this suggestion!!!

My husband and I read each other our vows the morning that we got married, just us two so it was personal. We did the traditional "repeat after me vows" during the ceremony. He doesn't like speaking or attention at all!

As an alternative - you could both write letters to one another and read them during your first look. That way, you could still have that nice moment to share and have the vows be traditional.

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I think you are projecting your own issues onto the OP. Her future spouse being dead-set against writing personal vows* is not "kind of concerning." They are getting married in 5 days and I don't think it's kind of you to cast doubt on their whole relationship based on this one issue.

*There are plenty of reasons why someone may be opposed to writing personal vows that have nothing to do with their love for their partner. Maybe he doesn't think he's a good writer, maybe he has no idea how to convey how he feels in the written word, maybe the pressure of writing something "perfect" is just too much, maybe he has a genuine public speaking phobia that would make saying those personal words impossible but repeating some simple phrases after an officiant would be easier.

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I don't have any issues nor am I trying to cast doubt. I just know if something like this was important to me then my husband and I would work through a solution whether it is saying them during a first look, having someone help me if I wasn't comfortable writing my own, or writing letters to one another.

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OK. I still think this sentence is deeply unkind: "Marriage is all about compromising so the fact he isn't willing to compromise for your sake is kind of concerning."

My fiance is uncomfortable with the idea of writing personal vows that he then has to recite in front of a crowd. "Repeat after me" style is fine with him though, so we're using some traditional vows from our officiant. I would really like the personal heartfelt vows though, so I suggested that maybe we could just write each other letters to exchange before the ceremony. I still get the heartfelt sentiments that are important to me, and he isn't put in a situation he's very uncomfortable with. Maybe this could work for you two also?

Hi respect his wishes the key is UOU both want to be comfortable. I wanted to write our own vows. Though I am not a person who likes to speak on public. My husband is an EXCELLENT Speaker but he doesn’t want to so we went with traditional vows spoken by our pastor and it was beautiful. Do what makes you both happy… agree to disagree and compromise.

I don’t think there’s any disrespect or cause for concern here. He has a hardline, you have a hardline, now we have compromise time. Definitely don’t want to push him out of his comfort zone.


I do think it would be a bit odd to see one partner read their own vows and one not. But there are plenty of solutions, some goood ones already mentioned above but to lay them all out —Options:
Deliver your personal vows privately — before or after the ceremony (while doing a first look if you’re having one, or if not, maybe while doing photos post ceremony)
Share your personal vows via letter. I think it’s fine to ask him to do this too, to be exchanged morning of wedding, and read privately/separately, while getting ready. (I don’t mind writing sappy stuff but I don’t want to watch it be read, personally haha….though don’t necessarily expect him to sap out on you, lol, that’s not everyone’s style
Pick and choose some repeat after me vows with your officiant that are especially personal. We did not write our own vows, but did make sure the ones we were repeating from our officiant were ones that were particularly relevant and meaningful to us
I know some of these are repeats from ideas stated above, just reiterating they are all lovely and functional compromise ideas !

If he does not feel comfortable speaking in front of others why don't you two meet up before seeing each other down the isle? For example, have someone set you guys up where you are at a corner, but you guys don't see each other. You can exchange vows then and there by just holding hands, but still not looking at each other. It's more intimate that way and less intimidating. It's kind of like when couples get together to pray before the ceremony starts. Here's an example of what I mean.

Thanks Everyone for the GREA advice. I did speak it over with my fiance and he agreed to exchange vows privately. Thank you for this idea.