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Master October 2020

vip Guests with Dementia

Mandi, on August 22, 2019 at 3:39 PM Posted in Planning 0 8

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Hey everyone.
We are just a little over 7 months out from our wedding.
When we got engaged and set our date 6 months ago, my grandma lived independently, drove herself to work, and worked 40 hours a week.
In the last 3.5 months, she has had to give up working and is currently living in a home, and has been diagnosed with dementia. (The past few weeks have been a fast paced roller coaster.)
I could sit here and wish I had set my date earlier. But no one expected this to happen this fast.

Ideally, my grandma will be having a good day, and be able to attend. But what if she's not? Basically, my best way to describe dementia is that sometimes a demon kinda takes control of my grandmas brain. Some days she's fine, some days she relives traumatic events in her life over and over again, and other days, well dementia makes her act like a terrible person.

Every solution I can come up with wont work. I thought if shes having a bad day, maybe dropping by after the ceremony with our officiant. But our families won't be there, theyll be flipping our venue.
Inviting her to the rehearsal, but we wont be dressed. And she'll be angered by the menu selection. Or just bring her to the ceremony and chance that she won't start screaming at people throughout the ceremony?

I guess I'm just wondering if anyone has any suggestions or gone thru anything similar and has thoughts on making things go smoother?

To me, the most important part is to get some photos with her. So I've considered dropping by during photos. But I'm sure to her, being there is the most important thing, even though she probably won't remember.

Idk. I realize in 7 months, she could deteriorate even further and faster, and possibly be gone by then.

But if shes not, I need some backup plans.

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8 Comments

Latest activity by Susan, on August 22, 2019 at 10:40 PM

Champion November 2016
LB · on August 22, 2019 at 3:47 PM
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Is there someone at the nursing home you can hire to be with her for the day? Someone she "knows"?
My Nanna has pretty bad dementia and has 24hr care now. We had her aide come to the wedding with her as a guest. It was nice cause she was able to enjoy herself and then the aide could judge and remove her from unpleasant situations if necessary.
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Dedicated September 2020
Shanita · on August 22, 2019 at 4:00 PM
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I was going to suggest the same thing as LB mentioned. Make sure her nurse/caretaker comes with her to the ceremony. If you and FH aren't opposed to first look pictures, maybe take some photos with her before the wedding so that you have those memories, just in case she has an episode. Then if she does have an episode during the ceremony her caretaker can either calm her or take her out, but at least she will be able to somewhat participate. I would say it's definitely worth chancing it, especially with not knowing how much longer you will have her around.
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Legend July 2019
MrsD · on August 22, 2019 at 4:09 PM
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I would look into a nurse (probably call the home she is living in) to hire for the day to be with her. I'd obviously make a decision the day before or the day of, depending on how she is doing. But I'd have a caregiver handy for the day of.
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Super January 2020
Cassie · on August 22, 2019 at 6:52 PM
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My grandmother has Dementia as well and I’ve often wonder how the day will go. Most of the time she is fine, but sometimes she yells at her husband, or doesn’t remember who he is. She also just randomly talks about something she sees, repeatedly. I don’t think that they will stay long for for this reason. I’m having their maid(a long time friend of their family) drive them to the wedding since it’s about an hour from their home and I want my aunt to stay as long as she wants without having to worry about them. My suggestion is just to have someone there that can help care for her. Your guest will be understanding if something does happen, but hopefully it won’t.
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January 2019
MOB So Cal · on August 22, 2019 at 7:52 PM
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My mom had a massive stroke that left her with very significant cognitive impairments.... For my nephew's wedding, we hired two of her regular caregivers (she lived in a group care home) to bring her to the wedding. She clearly enjoyed it, but was able to leave as soon as it became too much for her. She passed away about three weeks later, but the memories and photos of her the day of the wedding are wonderful, wonderful keepsakes.... Good luck, it's so hard when a loved one is declining.
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Devoted January 2020
Laura · on August 22, 2019 at 8:56 PM
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Are you taking bridal photos? Not sure where you live. That’s very popular in the south. I know it’s unpredictable, but if you have a flexible photographer available, maybe they would be interested in doing a shoot and including your grandmother. You could both get dolled up and take some photos together. Then whether or not she can make it the day of, you have photos to remember forever. ❤️
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Super February 2020
Jeanie · on August 22, 2019 at 10:06 PM
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I'm so sorry you're going through this. That is an extremely fast progression of dementia, which makes it even harder for everyone to deal with. I would try and find a family member to be your grandmothers keeper for the day. You may need to take someone away from helping with actual wedding things, but it is usually best to have someone who is known helping with a person with dementia when they are out of their normal routine. Try talking to the nursing home or her doctor to see if they have any suggestions of how to best manage her. I wish you the best.
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Devoted October 2021
Susan · on August 22, 2019 at 10:40 PM
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My mom has severe dementia, and I've had similar concerns. My mom is a wanderer, and someone would have to keep tabs on her if we can get her there--no easy feat given it's 450 miles from where she lives to where I live. I can see her getting up and wandering off in the middle of the ceremony--and given that we're getting married on the water, I'm terrified for her safety. On the plus side, she has very little memory left, and I'm sure she can't remember I'm engaged and I doubt she'd remember being at the wedding. But I would know she wasn't there and would miss her in the pictures and all.
At my first wedding, my late husband's grandma had dementia. They had a cousin bring her over to the reception after the ceremony and meal were done. She had no idea who anyone was, including my husband, but she loved to dance and she hit the dance floor pretty hard. She had a great time and didn't notice that she had missed any of the other festivities. If it's not a huge inconvenience, I'd suggest that for your scenario.
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